So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my voice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you
Smashing Pumpkins
Chapter Twelve
Cassa
I walked into an apartment full of people. People who wanted answers about Shame and I. Answers I couldn’t give. It wasn’t that I didn’t love or want Shame, it was that I loved him enough to finally let it all go. He had walked away from me two years ago without a word…closure was, in fact, important and I gave us both closure this time. He could go and have his groupies and stardom and I could finally find some peace knowing we had our goodbye.
This was for the best, I knew it was even though it was shredding me. I had involved so many people when it came to my secrets and now I had freed them all. I knew Shame was mad and hurt because he had been kept out of the loop but now I was hoping he understood it was my constant begging that kept them all silent.
I dropped my keys on the table and took a deep breath before turning to the group of friends and family in my living room. “Hey beautiful.” Chad said and took a sleeping Noelle from Carries arms when she made her way to me.
“The guys said you showed up at the studio when they were there.” Carrie wasn’t the nosy type. She would not ask me about the details of going to the studio to confront Shame. She would however find a way to make me think I wanted to open up about it all. Sneaky girl our Carrie.
Little did they know I wasn’t hiding secrets anymore. “Yeah. We talked about my fears, the secrets, the anger between us both…” I trailed off when I saw Mikey roll his eyes. “What Mike? Just say it I know you’re dying to chime in here.”
My big brother was awesome. I would never pretend to be bothered by a brother who took concern to a whole new level, but Mike was also a serious gossip girl. The man loved knowing all the drama.“Well I cant just sit here and pretend like we are all not a bunch of dicks. I knew Cass, I knew every minute he was gone that he regretted it. I knew and yet I took your side and I was right to do so. I hated how he left you and I was mad as hell. But like everyone of us in this room, I knew Cory was bad news and didn’t stop you. I knew if I had called Shame he would have come home and stopped you from marrying Cory.”
“Same here.” Chad said and leaned back with Noelle on his chest sleeping and sighed.
“All of us knew.” Cal said and looked at Noah who stoic, as ever nodded once.
“Not all of us.” Candey said and slapped Cal along side the head. “Carrie and I had no idea that Shame would have come home. We pushed her to go out and fuck countless randoms in order to forget Shame. Do not categorize us as knowing. We didn’t know and as women we could have butted our pretty little heads in and saved the day.”
Carrie and I both snorted and laughed at that.
Mainly because yeah, Carrie and Candey would have nutted Shame for leaving if they thought he would have come back to me. The problem was that he never said a word to anyone about missing me…not until tonight.
“It doesn’t matter now because we have made our peace.” I say and look at them all with guilty faces and sadness in their eyes. We had all managed to hurt him and it ripped me wide open because they were willing to do it in an attempt to protect me. “You guys need to talk to him though and try to sort the whole thing out.” This I said to my TAT guys…and they knew I was talking to them.
“He wont talk to us. Cal has been texting him for the last two hours trying to get him to meet with us and he wont answer.” Chad was still lying back looking at the ceiling as he spoke, his hand stroking over Noelle’s back.
“After you guys left I explained how much pressure I put on you to keep quiet. I took full blame for the entire mess.”
“Of course you did.” Noah snarled and stared me down as he stood. “Of course you took the blame because it’s easier to take it all on. You forget that we are adults and members of the band too. Do you think Shame would have been better off knowing the hell that went down? Even if he didn’t love you anymore Cass, he would have went bat shit crazy knowing what you went through and he wouldn’t have been able to play and focus. We didn’t do it just for you. We did it for us as a band, for our friend who was dying fucking slowly and for the girl he left behind broken and bleeding. No offense sweets but it isn’t all your fucking fault.”
“He’s right Cass. We placed the greed of success top dead center of the whole mess.” Cal said and stood to stretch his back. “This band has been my life for a decade and it was no different when we had a chance to make it big. I took that chance just like the rest of the guys and ran with it. We all knew what was going on at home and the decision to remain quiet was easy because knowing would have robbed us of Shame and he is and will always be irreplaceable.”
“The wake is tomorrow and he’s still sorting out the pain from Jerry passing. I don’t think bombarding him now is such a good idea.” Noah looked at his sister with a little pride but clearly aggravated by her words.
“Well I sure as shit aint sitting here and boobing about what a shitty friend I am. He’ll either hear me out or not but I’m still gonna try.” He walked to Chad first and leaned down to drop a kiss on Noelles head before going to hug Carrie.
“Where are you going?” She asked.
“I'm going to talk to Shame, maybe let him hit me a few times.” Noah pulled me in for a hug. “Don’t get in your head beautiful. I can handle Shame. I understand the anger he’s in right now. Let me try getting through to him.”
I nodded unable to speak through the lump in my throat as my tears fell. I loved Noah Beckett and the way he stood up and took the hits as they came. He wasn’t a giant man, but he sure as hell cast a giant shadow.
