“Cassa you deserve peace sweetie. What happened between you and Shame was fucked up on Shames part but he had his reasons. It doesn’t mean you didn’t have yours too. I’m a prideful guy Cass and I know where your mind was when you realized you were pregnant.” He paused on the word like he forgot how deep that lie buried me. “Had Shame known he would have come foryou but he would have come because he loved and missed you. Your baby would have been a bonus.”
“Well we are never gonna know the truth Chad and I’m left with little to offer any guy now so lets call this what it is and let the world decide.” I rolled over and cringed from the pain in my stomach. Corey had taken my body and created a road map of scars across my groin. He had removed in haste my uterus and carved apart the rest of me.
No I had nothing left to offer.
Now I was living for me.
Six months later
“I cannot believe you are pregnant!” I cry and smile from ear to ear hugging my closest girlfriend besides Roni my sister in law.
Chad, Noah and Carrie had come by the small apartment I share with Candey, this morning to spread the good news. Noah had shocked me stupid when he was bouncing on his heels in excitement of becoming an Uncle.“We found out yesterday but I had tried to surprise Chad.” Carrie glared at Chad who winked and I knew that wink the dirty bastard.
“I definitely one upped you baby.” He kissed her on the bridge of her nose and I felt my heart swell at seeing them both so happy. Carrie and her brother Noah had walked right out of hell themselves…Carrie just walked into Chad’s arms as soon as she could.
“How?” I ask and start pouring a glass of wine for myself and handing the guys beers. Carrie glares at me and I smile handing her a water. Ah the joys of pregnancy. I flinch at my own inner monologue but mask my face so they don’t see.
“Asked her to marry me first.” Chad takes a pull from his beer and Carrie starts jumping up and down in excitement.
“Holy shit!” I screech and pull her to me for a hug. I am overjoyed for her, for the both of them.
We laugh and reminisce about the upcoming wedding and how it will take place after the baby is born and the guys are back from touring. I know then that the days of ignoring Shamus and trying to move on quietly are behind me. I know this when Chad explains his groomsmen as Cal, Shamus and my big brother Mike and Carrie of course tells me I will be her bridesmaid as well as Celeste and Roni. Candey is her Maid of Honor, Noah the Best Man. If we weren’t coming full circle no matter how deep I dug my heels in, we were now. My hiding out and hanging with Jerry, Shamus’s dad are going to come to an end too. Shamus and his dad had a falling out when he left for the big time and were just now starting to rebuild their relationship. Jerry had been my rock through everything. He had kept all my secrets and loved me through them. Jerry was the only one who knew the truth about my abusive marriage. Just like I was the only one who knew how deep his drinking went. I wouldn’t deny being there for them or how I was always there for Jerry in a vain attempt to protect my shattered heart.
Shattered heart…
I make a mental note to tuck away those words later as a poem starts forming in my mind. Poetry that I probably suck at but write none the less. I started writing when I wrote the letter to Shamus because it actually helped me release my pain. Most of them morphed into poems of longing for Shamus and fear of Corey.
“Will you?” Carrie asks and I feel like a shit friend for tuning them out.
“What?” I ask with a chuckle. “Sorry just thinking of us all changing so much. Will I what?”
“Will you write something for us, something that we can use in the ceremony?”
“Carrie”- My words fail me when I see both Noah and Chad watching me with a grimace and Carrie waiting for my answer. “Care, I love you but my poetry is shitty at best let alone it’s private.”
Carrie looks shocked and I immediately want to take my words back.“First Cass, your poetry is un-fucking-real. Second I know it’s private and close to your heart. I wouldn’t have said anything if I thought Chad and Noah didn’t already know. I would keep it a secret but would have still liked that personal piece from you. If you cant I understand and we will use the John Donne poem we both love.”
Chad looks at Carrie and I want to cry at the look he gives her.
That look defines love.
I had that look once too.
I start thinking of ways I can play off of Elegy by John Donne and decide then and there I can and will do this for them. “No, I will do it and I am going to make it as special as I can for you.”
“Really Cass? You sure?” This is Chad asking and I love him for it.
I nod and Noah steps beside me for a hug kissing me gently on top of my head.“Strong as fuck Cass.” He says and I hug him tighter for his words. When Noah Beckett calls you strong you can’t help but whither the bad shit away.
Noah Beckett is strength defined.
There is nothing left of you
I can see it in your eyes
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye
