The cracking voice was not mine. It couldn't be. I was cool. I was Shamus fucking James and my shit was together God damn it! I look to Chad because he has been at my side, every fucking day for four years. Mikey had loyalty to Cassa, well Chad Blake had loyalty to me.
“Start talking fuckers or I go ape shit right fucking now. You two think I hit drums hard and fast just wait until I'm knocking your fucking skulls!” I had no idea who I was right now. The absolute worst images were swarming through my mind in rapid speed and they weren't talking. I was always level headed, always cool and chill but right now I was in a murderous rage. I didn't know if the stress of my dad dying combined with seeing Cass and learning of how bad life had sucked for her, or if I had finally had enough of my miserable barely tolerable life after being home with Cass for a day. Either way I was losing my shit, and fast.
It was a very small and very adorable cry that reeled me in fast as lightening.“I have my daughter, my life, curled in my arms so you better calm it down now before I show you how to crack a fucking skull!” This was Chad, Chad who had a temper and very rarely showed it. He was also proof of how a woman could make you crazy in less than a second. This time it was his daughter he was protecting, but had Carrie been here and scared his reaction would have been the exact same. Chad loved hard and his girls knew it, hell all of us knew it and we respected it.
My anger was because nobody was talking. “Then talkfucktards!”
“Cory hit her sure, but that’s the sugar coated version. He tried to kill her, almost succeeded.”
I felt my vision go dark with fury at Mikes words. Gripping the counter and trying to breathe I looked at the men who had been my brothers since childhood.
“What?” I couldn't even hear my own voice over the pulse in my ears.
Mike just nodded unable or unwilling, I wasn’t sure, but either way he was struggling with talking. He was a gossip hound that would rival any valley girl and he wasn’t talking. All that did was freak me out more. If Mike was quiet then this shit was bad, way bad and way worse that his non-challant admission that Cory almost killed my Cassa.
“How?” My voice soft but no less menacing. I had some bad ass security and lawyers just waiting to fuck shit up when I called and if that is where I need to start so fucking be it! If she needed help staying safe it would be on my dime and my time. In that moment nothing mattered. Not the band or the upcoming tour. Not the new album and not the hot and cold routine she had been playing since last night. This changed everything and the time for playing and testing thewaters had passed. Cassa was and would always be mine no matter how bad I had messed things up when I left.
It was then the reality hit. I did this. I fucking did this.
“TALK!” I roared and chucked my bottle of miller against the wall. Chad was up and outside in seconds, returning only with Noah and Cal at his side. “What the fuck is this? You guys come to party? Come to check out your friend lose his mother fucking mind?” My eyes drilled on Mike and I absolutely disregarded the sight of my band in the room. They were dead to me. Mikey was dead to me. All I wanted now was answers. “Talk or I will beat the ever loving fuck out of you!”
They were looking at me like I had lost my mind. Shock and concern on all their faces, how funny they care now. They didn't think I deserved to know what happened, so why they care now is beyond me. But as Candey walks in the door, her eyes on mine and tears streaming down her face I realize that their shock is at me, the sight of me and the fact I am sobbing.“Stop!” I say and turn my back before Candey can touch me. “Don’t.” I whisper.
I don't feel her touch and I know she is respecting my request. I dry my eyes, humiliated that anyone see's me in this type of sadness.“Just someone talk.” It's not a request and they know it, but I have no fight in me right now. I am disgusted with myself for all of this. I somehow made them all think they couldn't tell me. I left and I never spoke her name and all along I was hoping and wishing like hell she was happy. She wasn’t she was in hell right there with me all along. I didn’t save her, I left her.
“I can’t Shame, I wouldn’t know where to begin.” Mikey knew the whole unedited version and was sure the hell not about to drop that bomb. I understood the loyalty between siblings even though I had none. I had shared that loyalty with Mikey and the members of TAT.
No longer.
“Try the basics.” I said through gritted teeth. The idea of someone hurting her was more than I could handle right now. My mind was trying to adjust to the one slap she had told me and the fact he almost killed her. There was a lot of negative space in “almost killed her” to make me crazy. If this story got worse, then I was going for blood.
“The basics? Umm… well... uh… ok.” Mike stumbled his words nervously. He stood and paced the patch of carpet in front of the fireplace. “He beat her and controlled her to no end for the six months they were married. Then the night your Dad wrecked she left without Cory’s permission. Cory went crazy, found some shit out that Cass thought she had hidden from him and tried to kill her.”
“What shit?” I asked feeling my eyes burning for more un-shed tears. I was beyond tears now, I was nothing but rage.
Mike knew that I wouldn’t accept the basics.
“Nope sorry my brother but no way in hell I am going there. That’s Cassa’s business. Her very own Pandora’s Box and you need to respect that it’s not my place.”
“Fine I’ll just ask her.” I said like it would be simple. “What about trying to kill her? What did he do?”
Mike held his breath and with tears in his eyes he looked at me.“He sliced her open, took some of her insides, her uterus and ovaries amongst other damages; a real ‘Jack the ripper’ job. She lost a lot of blood and he figured she would bleed out. He left her to die and thank God he did because she crawled to the phone on her nightstand and called 911.” Mike stopped talking and looked out the window as Roni pulled in sans Cassa.
“What the hell where is she?” Mike yelled when he met Roni at the door.
I bolted out the door and headed for the car where I hoped I would see Cassa.
She wasn’t there.
“She doesn’t want Shame to know what happened so she sent me to get you and bring you back to her place.”
Mike lost all the color in his face when he looked at me as I was getting in MikesDurango“Shame what are you doing?” Mike asked as he rushed to his SUV.
“Cassa is mine Mike you know she is and I will not let her hide from me. You stay here.” I went to back out when it dawned on me I didn’t know where she lived. I stopped and rolled the window down. “Directions Mikey?”
“She will kill me Shame.” Mike said pleading with me to stop, but knowing I wouldn’t. He was the only person who knew that I still loved Cass, knew how I had tried to come back for her. Looking at my friend I couldn’t deny him and hated myself because I had to.
“I could kill you Mike!” I roared and jumped from theDurrangocharging the brother of my mind. “You should have told me the truth! Every time I called and asked about her; if she was happy now that she had moved on. Christ you didn’t even tell me she was divorced Mike!” I was losing my mind and knew I needed to leave but the only place that I wanted to go was to my Sassy, where I could keep her safe and pain free forever.
