“Probably. He was smarter than most gave him credit for.” I looked at Shame, my Shame and saw the pain he was fighting to hide. He was so closed off when it came to emotion. If it were just us would he let it out? He had in the past and I couldn’t help but wish that he still trusted me that much. “I don’t know if anyone told you Shame but see I-“ I was cut off by that bitch Brittany that almost got her ass kicked by Candey. Clearly she wasn’t done annoying people yet. I had dealt withfangirlsfrom when Shamus was just a local act, I had no idea the level of crazy I would be dealing with now.
“Shamuspleasetell me people are not going to be here night.” Her voice was whiny and she seemed like a spoiled little girl the way she pouted. Her bottom lip was actually protruding like a child.
But that wasn’t as appalling as Shamus’s reaction to her.
“Oh that lip.” He whined back and leaned in to kiss her now dramatic pouting bottom lip. I actually felt my stomach turn at the sight, gagging at the overly cutesie gesture. Some may say it was jealousy but it was his voice and his action. “Give me a minute Brit.” He said the words against her lips and I wanted to weep.
My memories of Shame were crowded by whispers of ‘I love you’ or ‘I need you’all spoken against my lips. I had always thought of it as his trademark when he showed me that slight emotion. It was special even if it seemed mundane. He would whisper against my lips knowing I would tremble. It was ours.
I guess I was wrong and it was just another piece of Shamus James I didn’t know existed. What a fool I was, he had been with girls before me. I was no different than ‘Brit’
I wanted to slap Brit….and yes I know I am being a catty bitch, but like Carrie always said “At least I’m woman enough to admit it.”
Shamus then slapped her ass causing her to scream with laughter that was fitting to the person it came from. She was cheap. Jealous or not I was sticking to that assumption.
“Dad would have loved her.” Shamus said with a smile as he watched her walk away. I called bullshit. I knew the truth. Jerry couldn’t stand the bimbo’s he brought home. He had never told me in detail, not sober anyway. He usually tried to spare my feelings. Jerry knew how much I still loved and pined for Shamus and Jerry willingly never told me about Shamus and his conquests. But when he was drunk enough he would let the stories spill out. I couldtastethe bitterness of those memories.
“Your dad would have hated her.” I said under my breath but Shamus caught it.
His eyes drew in like two slits of hate and he looked at me with contempt for the first time in my life.“You would know.” His velvet voice laced with anger and maybe even hurt. In that moment I was certain he knew how close I was to Jerry. “Don’t look so shocked Sass. I knew the minute I showed my face after being gone for the first year. He told me everything.” He tipped a beer that I didn’t even know he had and looked away.
He had known all along.... it made sense now why he begged Noah and Chad to send me to Jerry in his final hour. He had known.“I wanted to tell you. After you left…” I trailed off when I noticed he wasn’t even looking at me.
“You knew before I knew that he was dying.” He kept his eyes trained on the bonfire to the left of us, looking anywhere but at me. “You knew his liver was failing and you knew he was dying, he trusted you more than he did me." He was covetous of the relationship between me and Jerry, I felt it as he spoke. Shamus and Jerry never saw eye to eye but after Shamus left I assumed they had made their peace. Here and now, Shamus didn’t seem bothered by the death of his father and more angry that I was.
"Would it have been so hard to pick up a phone?"
Was. He. Serious?
“What was I supposed to do Shamus hmmm?” I asked sarcastically. “Call the fan hotline?” I stepped closer fine to let him have it. “The truth is Shamus, he didn’t want you to know. He said you were busy putting the new album together and that if you left it would put it behind.” I watched his face, it didn’t change but his eyes did, they went from anger and hate to pain and anguish at my words. I felt my anger deflate at his pain. “He talked to you on Monday. You told him you were wrapping up on Tuesday, it’s Thursday Shame. He did what he wanted and tried to avoid hurting you or your falling behind in the process. He knew he was dying soon so he did it on his terms.”
I hated that he was angry and hurt, but I refused to forget that he chose to leave me. Wanting this little reunion to be over with, I nervously rubbed my hands on my jeans and looked to my friends, my family who would comfort me when this was over with.“I am real proud of you Shame, so was Jerry. More than he ever let you know.” I look at the raging fire because looking at him hurts. “My number is on the fridge. Call me if you need anything. I’ll be by tomorrow to gather some things I left here on the real bad nights.”
I didn’t wait for a reply, but I set my pace as I walked away from him this time because I refused to run from him. He left me behind and I needed to look like it hadn’t fazed me in the least. I made her way to Carrie and Chad refusing to look at Mikey who's guilty look told me he obviously told Shame I was there. Damn traitorous brother he was.
It didn't matter. I said my piece, said I was sorry and did it all with my mask in place.
*
Shamus
I felt my chest burning. I didn't want to be a dick to my Sassy but seeing her, like every wet dream over the last two years come to life just pissed me off. I had shattered myself by leaving her behind all because I was young a dumb enough to listen to an old man who was drunk and like usual mad at me.
She showed up alone tonight and I had brought Brit, or was it Beth? Regardless I brought thefangirlbecause I wasn't going to face the woman who all others would be compared to alone. I end up looking like a giant douche because she showed up without the hubby.
I was going to have the last word here, not her. If my last word was a cheapfangirlthen so be it. Payback was a bitch. Cassa had killed me just a few short months after I left she was married to another man. Her bed wasn't even cold by the time she had a new man in it. I don't know why she wanted to be close to my dad, or why her new man wasn't here. Maybe it was her way of slapping me in the face for leaving.
If I'm honest with myself, then I'm man enough to admit that I am glad he had Cassa and that she had been at his side when his body stopped fighting. But in the end, Cassa still didn't know the half of it. She had been played by the old man just like he was. Maybe it was my dad playing her and not the other way around. He was the one that scared me off taking my girl with me. He was the one fighting me that night before we were supposed to leave.
She didn't know that I had to leave, had to leave her behind. TAT had no guarantee's of success and Sass was in school ready with a year left to graduate. We both had dreams and mine was in Hollywood making TAT a success and hers was always in Gig, happy and free. I had always planned on giving her time before coming home and explaining why I left. I had bought the ring she deserved, it had her name all over it and I bought it the minute we went platinum. Two days later I found out she was married and that fucking ring went over the Gig Harbor bridge, tossed without thought or concern and enough bitterness to fuel me to this moment. I had afangirlin my bed every night there after... and she had a husband.
Fuck that. Fuck the man she replaced me with. Fuck my old man too.
“Go home to your husband Sass.” I called after her. Within seconds the entire party went dead quiet and nothing but the crack and pop of the fire filled the night. Cassa had stopped walking, her back still to me. Chad and Noah both looked like they would kill me if they could get to me but it was Cal who broke the silence.
“Fuck, Shame just stop man.” Cal made his way to my side ass I watched literally all my friends step to Cassa's side.
Fucking traitors. All of them.
