I never backed down in the past. Corey always said it was my biggest problem and I needed to learn when to shut up and where my place was. The fact I could never bear a child is because I never learned to just shut the fuck up, I sure as fuck wasn’t about to start now.
“Let me guess, he calls out Sweetheart or Sugar, Baby or Beautiful?”
Brittany smiled.“You bet your ass he does.”
I nodded knowingly. “I knew that Shamus very well and all he means when saying that is that you mean so little to him he can’t be bothered to remember your name.” Seeing the fury in thefangirlseyes gave me a sense of peace I hadn’t had in years. The hoots and hollers from my friends only spurred me on. “And when he fucked me, repeatedly for years, he always got my name right. You are nothing more than a notch on a very used, very worn out bedpost.” With that I began making my way back to Carrie and Chad refusing to acknowledge how much I hated knowing he brought such trash home for his dads funeral. Then my ego reared its ugly head.
Fuck why didn’t I bring a date!?
Before I could bail to sit beside Carrie and Chad who looked to be‘discussing’ something about Brittany, I heard my name that voice that still haunted even my very best dreams.
So have you got the guts?
Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts
Simmer down and pucker up
I'm sorry to interrupt. It's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you
I don't know if you feel the same as I do
But we could be together if you wanted to
Arctic Monkeys
Chapter Four
Cassa
“I can’t believe it.” He said his voice still like a whisper reeling my mind back to when that voice made me come on command.
I regained my composure before I faced Shamus standing next to Mike and Roni. He was still the most beautiful specimen of man I had ever seen even though he had changed. His once long brown hair was now gone, almost completely shaved close to his head. Both ears were gauged now. He stood tall, taller than my memory could recall. But his gray eyes were what I always remembered, gun metal gray, dark and haunting.
“Hey Shame.” I finally said when the cat let go of my tongue. I couldn’t help but notice that everyone stopped what they were doing to watch our two year separation end. He stepped towards me, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling my small body against his giant one.
God he still made me melt and he smelled like I remembered. Shame was basic still. Even with his new career making him a millionaire before he was thirty, he usedAXEdeodorant and body spray at 3.99 a pop.
He smelled divine.
I loveAXE!
I didn’t want to make a spectacle of myself, but I couldn’t help it. I breathed him in, locking the feel of him, the smell of him in that dark and secret place inside I went to when the memory of Corey was too much. I had missed him so much that I cursed my memory for the bad version I had clung too. I did Shamus no justice at all. I had missed him so much that it rushed the pain of losing him and all I endured throughout the last few year’s right back to the surface.
“Jesus Sassy you look the same.” He used his nickname for me and it melted me to even hope he remembered me as his Sassy. He pulled back from me all too soon and it was crushing to lose the feel of him.
His eyes stayed on me though, taking in the sight of the changes I had made since he ripped me to shreds. He cupped my face in his hands and I gasped in hope and shock wanting his mouth on mine then and there. Forget the past let’s focus on kissing Shame one last time.
Hope is a foolish bitch. I was desperate for his touch, even more so for his kiss but he stood there before me like fantasy made real and watched in astonishment as my tears fell.
I don’t know why I let my emotions get away with me, but it’s him and I know it. I was helpless when in his presence and even after all this time and a pit of endless secrets between us, I still loved him with everything inside of me. My tears were because he wasn’t mine anymore and a world where Shamus James wasn’t mine was a world I hated.
I fought to regain my composure because regardless of my love for him, he was still the man who wrecked me and moved on to something that resembled a woman, though I was pretty sure ‘Brittany’ was a succubus hell bent on stealing his soul. “Sorry I am just so taken back by his death and then seeing you….” I paused not sure what to say.
“Yeah this isn’t where I imagined seeing you again.” He stepped back and let me go. I had to fight the urge to moan in his absence and ask if he actually thought of seeing me again one day. “I talked to him yesterday morning and he said I needed to come home. I knew by his voice why...” He trailed off his gray eyes full of sorrow. Shame was a master at hiding his emotion too. I had always thought I was blessed because he never hid it from me. I saw the ugliest sides of Shamus when he was sad, he loved and trusted me with those sides of him. He was hiding from me now though and even though I too was hiding, it still broke my heart. “Then he called me last night after he... yeah so I came right after.”
“Where were you?” I asked trying to keep my voice level and hide the fact that I knew where he was, what Jerry had said...hide the fact I was there for such an intensely personal moment between him and his father. He may not know how close Jer and I were, but he knew I was there when he took his last breath. I was holding one hand and Jerry had his phone in the other, saying goodby to his son and it felt a million miles away.
“London. The band was heading to San Francisco today so we could unwind from the tour and meet with the label before we headed home to decompress. I swear to God Sass, he waited for me to be close-" he paused then afraid to say the truth. “Before he did it. We have our tour starting in Seattle like normal at the beginning of spring so he knew I would be home for a while.” He rubbed his hands over his closely shaved head before he turned. He was hiding like always more afraid of showing emotion than he was of the emotion himself. Even now his father was dead and he couldn’t show his pain.
