“I’m sorry I keep adding stress to your life Noah.” Jen isn’t the self loathing type so the fact she thinks she brings problems into my life means she believes it.
“Jen you don’t. I swear. We aren’t the most welcoming people.” I say it with a cringe knowing its Carrie and Cassa that are holding off. Everyone else has accepted her in our world for the sake of Axe, minus two defiant brats.
I look back at the Porsche and feel like a piece of shit knowing Jen took the bus. I swear to God, I would have given her thePorscheif it was fitting for Axe. I make a mental note to have myEscaladedropped off at Skin tonight and leave no room for arguments. I would give her it now, but I know Jen and she would refuse. I am pretty sure I can spin it somehow so that she thinks it’s for Axe.
We make our way inside and I sit down on my recliner and feel the exhaustion set in. “How the fuck am I supposed to just accept who they pick?”
I say to myself but its Jen who responds.
“Noah, you make music. You tied yourself to the universe when you signed on. My guess is that they have at the very least an inkling of a clue or they wouldn’t risk it.”
“Carrie and T are interviewing them tomorrow and I’ll meet my new sponsor at the same dinner I’m dragging you to.”
I weaseled that in hoping she would go with it….
“Hell no, you didn't, Noah!” She doesn’t sound happy and I inwardly cringe knowing she is outright uncomfortable with the idea.
“Jen, hear me out yeah?” I look at her and use the same tone I do Carrie…or anyone when I mean business. I need her to trust me here and for her own reasons Jen doesn’t trust easy. I am lucky she trusts me and now I need to remind her I would never do anything to jeopardize it. “Trust me yeah?”
“Ugh, yeah okay.”
I smile for the mere fact I won.
“You really need to trust me here doll. Understand I am fighting fire with inferno here. Chad, Cal, T and Shame are all in your corner. Same as Sull and Sev, Mike and Roni. Carrie will come around, she is in the dark and it’s a corner I put her in. When Candey died…. “ I choke on the words that are my truth… my conscience. “I couldn’t handle her suffering. I couldn’t watch another second of it. I have held her hand through everything, but with her death came my selfishness full throttle. I was tired of our misery being connected. I wanted to mourn her alone. I didn’t want to see Carrie suffer so I blocked her out. I pulled on Shame because he is strong as fuck and he was the only one who tried to live when he lost Cass. When I got sober I relied on you and Sam. I have blocked her from the most painful parts of my life and I don’t know how to allow her back in.” I look at Jen. “ It’s like I broke us. Because of that I know she will do damn near anything to get our connection back.”
“Noah, you don’t have a broken connection with Carrie. I don’t know what it was like before so I can't fully comment, however I know you see her every day. You laugh with her, you support her. The connection isn’t broken, you have made a choice to mourn your way. Right or wrong it was what you needed and for whatever reason it worked. Look at where you are today. Whatever the reasons, you tackled it.”
I smile and shake my head. “You're missing the point.”
“I get it.” She says and puffs out a sigh of frustration. “I get it. She is so desperate to be in your good graces she will accept me. Manipulate much?”
“I am the master of manipulation, but I only manipulate what I know someone needs.”
“How is that fair Noah?”
I laugh. “Have you met me? I don’t fight fair and I never have. I'll take any cheap shot in a fight that I have to. I am who I am. A self deprecating junkie on a power trip. I manipulate so they do what they truly want to do. Carrie doesn’t hate you Jen, she hates that I trusted you and as fucked up as it sounds, she loves you for it. She hates that I turned to Shame and you and Sully instead of her and that is her cross to bear not yours. You paid your dues, you have eaten their shit long enough. Either you'll be there for me tomorrow or you won't, either way I’ll still be heard.”
I was sick of the bullshit. All of it. I am sick of feeling guilty for having a friend. I was sick of feeling guilty for trying to find comfort from anyone but Carrie. I was tired of trying to pretend I wasn’t pissed off at her bullshit attitude. She had Chad and the rest of our group holding her up I had to hold me up and I couldn’t stand seeing her suffer. I had seen it enough in our lives that in that moment I could not. I am broken, but for fucks sake if I would have had to hold her up through it all I would have been ruined and they’d have buried me right after Candey.
“What about Cassa? How you gonna manipulate that one all-knowing Messiah that you are?” I know she is making light of my irritation, but with that question it just had to play itself out.
“I can't help with Cass, only Cass will decide if she can accept you.” I see the sadness and the flinch from my words and it sucks knowing what I said hurt her. I cup her chin and force her to see me.
“I can't know the place you were in back then Jen, but I can understand it. I am proud of you everyday even though you lie your ass off in meetings.” I smirk and she laughs through her tears.
“It helps me. I hate meetings they are definitely not for me like they are for others. Besides I only lie about my sobriety dates.”
“I’m Jenny Pope and I am an alcoholic. I have been sober three years.” I say it in a mocking tone and she playfully punches my arm.
“My point is that yeah, you lie in meetings to feel comfort however you need it, but you don’t lie to us when you face it. You were straight with me and Cal and T. You’ll face it with Carrie if you have too. Cassa has a different fight with you and babes, I don’t begrudge her it and neither do you. All you can do is be you, new and improved sober for six months Jenny and accept what is thrown at you and know I got your back.”
