I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside
I've finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am
30 Seconds to mars~The kill
Chapter Nineteen
Noah
He stares me down as he makes his way to the stool that sits before a glass partition. He doesn’t touch the phone and I don't know if he will. I look at him, he is older. You can tell this place aged him, he is thinner and his hair has gone grey. I know I look like him, a younger, tattooed and stronger version. Carrie has his eyes though and my stomach turns as I am reminded there is no denying he gave us life no matter how hard he tried to ruin it.
He lifts the phone and I realize I wasn't breathing until he did. I grab mine and swallow back bile at hearing his voice for the first time since he confessed at the preliminary hearing.
"The prodigal son returns."
"I'm no son of yours." I say and pull on the strength of TAT, of my sister and even of Bright.
"Well you are. Doesn’t matter if I wanted you or not biology is biology. You and Caroline belong to me by blood and bone."
"Maybe, but I deny you and as for any father my sister had or needed it was me, not you. Never you."
We stare at one another, both our eyes filled with hate and I am offended by his very presence. I know that the pain he inflicted on us will never be something he will be sorry for, in that I hate that I can't bring some form of closure to my sister. I would be certifiable if I thought for one minute that he could validate our feelings.
"What do you want Noah?"
Hard question to answer, a loaded question to ask.
"I want to know a lot of things, but the one staggering question I have is I want to know why? Why couldn’t we be left alone? Why try to destroy us?"
"Your mom wanted kids I didn't." He shrugs and makes it seem like it’s a logical answer. "I know Caroline has a kid, how's she as a mom? There's bits of me inside you so I wonder how her temper is?"
"You sick fuck, she's a hell of a mom and we are nothing like you!" I can see my spit hit the glass and I stood yelling into the receiver when a guard came on the line telling me to calm down or he would end the visit. I cringe at my dad's laughter, happy he got a rise out of me.
"You don't think you're like me Noah? I was a drunk, you're a junkie. You are a miserable son of a bitch and so am I. There is nothing that can fill that hole inside you, nothing. You may cry about your dad beating you, your girl cracking her neck in that crash, your drugs… you got excuses a plenty boy, but you are as fucking miserable as I am." He laughs while I wonder if he is right.
Before I realize that I am not.
"You need to understand something. You don't have any control here, you might think you do but you don't. From here on out you won't be the excuse Carrie or I use, you're nothing. You sit in here so content to know that we still suffer. We don't. You can have the credit of those few nightmares or irrational moments but that's it. I am in a band that is successful on tours and so fucking rich." I laugh and lean closer. "Carrie is a bestselling author married to the lead in my band, hell she's even richer. Rich means therapy and security and making it so your reach isn't as long as ours."
"Oh I have reach you little fucker, I have roots you can't imagine. Don't sit here and try to pretend I don't scare you. I terrify you."
I nod in agreement. "You're right, you are so fucking insane it's scary, but I am not seventeen anymore. I live my life in a way that I can sleep at night. When I leave here, I won't think of you again. I will walk away and live my life. I will love, I will smile and I will die a happy man for saving me and Carrie from your cynical insanity. From here out you are dead to us. Don't fuck yourself into a corner Dad, I would hate for anyone to find out a dirty cop lives in these walls. Could make for an uncomfortable future."
I saw it, saw the fear at my threat and fuck me I loved it.
I hung up the phone and walked away. I could hear him screaming and hitting the glass when the guards took him down. Being the prick I am, I see an inmate, heavily tattooed looking like the meanest baddest mother fucker in here. He's talking to his lady between the glass, their visit being interrupted by my dad's tantrum. I walk over and grab the phone out of the girls hand, she looks at me pissed at first then sees who I am .
"Ohmygod… Noah Beckett!" She screetches and I give her a wink and a smile.
"Hey darlin, mind if I take this a sec?"
