“You don’t get it Carrie, I have her. Huge difference.”
“You have everyone if you would just realize it. We are all here supporting you but it’s a stranger you let comfort you. You don't come to me like you used to.”
“To you!” I yell in frustration. “She is a stranger to you, but a friend to me. A precious and valuable one. Do you know what it’s like for me Carrie? Can you even possibly comprehend what my world is like these days? I have no peace. I think of dad and I think of Candey and I think of the band, Noelle, Axe and you. I think of Cory coming after Cassa, I think of Shame and his guilt. I think of all these things and rarely do I get a glimpse of something just for me. I can’t tell you how my heart aches or how I am lost and overwhelmed by guilt, but I can tell Jenny. I can tell her because she wasn’t there Sissy. She only has the glimpse of what the media shared. She wasn’t there to see me wake up and learn that Candey was dead." I see her flinch at my harsh words, but I am to frustrated to care right now.
"She wasn’t there the night I lost my mind on Shame or the nights I sat vigil at your bedside waiting for you to wake up from what dad did. She wasn’t there as Cassa tried to heal her broken pieces or as Shame and Cal fucked their way through America. She knows what I tell her and what I want to share and she places no judgment. It is so fucking valuable to me to have something outside of this group.”I bow my head in the silence that follows my outburst.
“She understands what trust means to me. There is nothing fake between us. There is brutal honesty and unyielding support and there is trust and she understands the game trust me. You all value my trust in you and your trust in me because you all, you most importantly, know that it iseverything. She is the only person in this world I have trusted on my own with no limits or expectations. It was a huge risk to give her my friendship and support and she accepts me with nothing more than trust. It is so powerful Carrie and I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks because we help each other.”
“And what happens when she wants you to open up to her Noah? What then?”
And this is the moment that changes how she views me. This delicate moment where my sister learns that with my sobriety came a change in the very fabric of who I am. It shows that yes, we are fractured and I prefer us stay fractured to keep her clean from my shit for once.
“She knows everything Carrie. Every last bit.”
It took time, more than I would have liked, to pull her crazy ass back from the ledge she was teetering on. I knew my sister. I know it isn’t easy for her to allow a new person into our very tight knit fold. Add to that, the person is someone not only her husband, but also her brother and closest friends have slept with, to then top that cupcake with the truth that Jen knew my secrets and that meant she knew a glimpse of Carries?
I remember having the same emotional stand off when Carrie brought Candey home for the first time.
“Hey bub, this is Candey my roommate. BTW she knows all our secrets. Can I have twenty bucks?"
That was one of our biggest fights and yet, looking back it was one of my most grateful moments.
By the end of our conversation she had agreed to invite Jenny to dinner tomorrow night. She agreed to this because I put my foot down and told her she had no choice.
I was meeting the labels sponsor tomorrow and I wasn’t doing it unless my family was with me and Jen is family to me.
As I pulled in to my driveway, the same house I rented at eighteen, and bought at twenty-one after scraping pennies together for an entire year doing every tat I could at Slave to the needle. My Uncle Seth co-signed with me and allowed Carrie to live with me under their watchful eye.
They never knew the full extent of what we survived until the night my dad confessed to his fellow officers and almost killed and raped my sister. Before that though, Seth and Lilly only remained in contact with our dad because of Carrie and me…
12 years ago
“Now listen to me and listen good!” Dad was seething mad and had his fierce grip on my jaw made sure I was listening with rapt attention. I could hear Carries soft cries from the living room where he had just finished with her. Bile rose in my throat as the sounds he made while assaulting her played in my mind. “Seth and Lilly are coming to see you for Christmas and as far as they are concerned we are going to Disneyland for your Christmas break. Say a single word or even make them think you aren’t happy here and I will slit Caroline’s throat and let you watch.”
I flinched from the mental image he painted, as well from the spittle that flew from his mouth. I knew all too well the line to tow. My bruises, cuts and even broken bones were from my latest obsession with skateboarding. What I didn’t know was that Christmas was in a few short days and that our pretend vacation was to hide the obvious fact there were no decorations, or presents under the non-existent tree.
“Got it.” I say, my tone just shy of seething. I felt the burn from the back of his hand, but didn’t care. I was beyond caring. Soon we would be gone. Soon I would have enough proof to keep us safe for our entire lives.
“Watch it Noah. I have no problem keeping you hidden, bound and gagged in my condo and telling them you went with Sam and Dale to California to see his parents. I can keep Caroline to myself. Just tempt me.”
The threat was evident in his tone, but I knew what it meant for my sissy to be alone with him. “Yes sir.” I said, my tone one of the utmost respect to a man I hated.
I am pulled from memories I would kill to forget when I see Jenny walk out my front door. I look around the street and my driveway and don’t see her car. “What’s up?” I hit the lock on my FOB to myPorsche 911, the sound making me smile. I may live in a small and modest home, but I had a fuck ton of cars. I had a thing for muscle cars, but thePorschewas an impulse buy I have yet to regret.
“Where’s your car?” I ask and hug her in the same fashion I do Carrie. I am reminded of not too long ago I was toying with the notion that I was attracted to her. Jen is gorgeous, drop dead, but when heartache, loneliness and withdrawal are the cocktail in your brain you get confused easily.
“I took the bus. It broke down again.” She shrugs and poor’s peanuts into her palm and slams them in her mouth.
“Then why come over? Or at the least call and tell me to grab you?”
“When you called me after talking to Carrie… I don’t know I could hear the stress in your voice. I figured you needed a friend.”
“Again I could have picked you up.” She drove a 1984PlymouthReliantthat was broke down more often than not. I made the decision then and there to handle this car bullshit once and for all whether she liked it or not.
“Stop dodging the question. How are you really?” This is one of the many reasons I need Jen. She is a true friend and being that she’s a chick it’s easier than calling one of my boys to vent and end up looking like a vagina.
“Shit… over all it went okay and I am ok. I know Carrie too well. She makes shit harder than it needs to be so I have to wait for her to clear her head out and calm the fuck down before she’ll see reason.”
