“I can't breathe.” I say and sit on the couch head between my legs. I put the call on speaker and set it beside me.
“Okay, so why?” That simple. She can cut through shit so fast with me, so similar to Carrie but without the overwhelming sense to lie like I get with Carrie. Every instinct with Carrie is to soften the blow or to protect these days. It's how I keep her out. I don’t lie, but I do dance around the issue. It wasn’t always like that. I used to throw it out there no matter how dark and dreary I would tell her. These days though… Carrie and I are damaged and it’s my fault and I don’t have the first idea how to fix it. I spend hours wondering if she knows we are broken or if she is just so glad I am alive and sober she doesn’t care about the rest.
I tell her everything. I tell her how I need Candey. I tell her that I could never tell Carrie how bad I need her. I tell her how bad I want Bright and how hard I fight it. I tell her I need peace, just a moment to be alone and think and that I can't get one or I am off the tour.
“Noah, why not tell Bright? I mean it. Why not just go grab her and kiss her and tell her you need to stop fighting it? We all know, her included. It isn't a secret so tell me why? You are Noah fucking Beckett and you have never been scared to be you.” She laughs a little in the background I can hear Axe.
“You’re busy. I can hear little man in the background. I’ll be okay.” I say not answering her question because I don’t have an answer for it.
“Answer me Noah.”
“Fuck Jen…” I run my hands through my hair and want to scream. “Because I can't take that step. She looks at me like if she upsets me I’ll kill myself.” I keep seeing her sad eyes when I played the piano solo on ‘Fallen. I see all their eyes because they all know I wrote it for my girl, but don't get concept. It's goodbye, and hello. It's for them both. Yet they don't look at it as moving on, they all see the worst. “I think they are more scared of me moving on then I am.”
“Axe, mommy will be right back. You watch your show and eat your fruit snacks okay sweetie…” She remains quiet until I can tell she is in the other room. “Why do you think that?” She asks and I can hear the fridge open and then a can, which I know is Diet Coke.
“Why do you think that?” She asks and I can hear her sip from the can and it hurts because I wish I was there hanging with her. She was possibly the one true person who knew inside my mind as an addict, no history between us forming her opinion. It was as refreshing as it was annoying.
“Because they saw too much. I think they all see the struggling to survive Noah as opposed to the same old Noah. Nothing in me has changed. I was sober for years before, a few slips but in general I was the same as I am now. I will never get over my childhood. That shit will haunt me to the end of time, I accept it and fuck off I won't let it get me. Now with Candey dead, it’s like they all thought she was what made me good…”
As I say it I know it is truly what I believe. “They don’t believe in me Jen.”
“Yeah they do. You’ve never been here before Noah. She was there through it all. From the get go. She was the first person you trusted and you let her in easily because Carrie brought you to her. You trusted her with Carrie, knew she loved her like a sister so Candey was easily integrated in your world of trust. They love you so much sweetie her death upset the delicate balance between you and them.”
“How do you mean?”
“Noah, you are their hero babe. You have been the strong one, the one they come to when the world is too much. When you see a mountain crumble it’s scary and people in general fear what they can't understand. You are hard to read on a good day, but add to it such a deafening loss… they don’t know what to do except love you and worry.”
I love Jen no different than I love all my girls and I needed her just as much. “I need to go see her Jen. I need to say goodbye and move forward. I am stuck here, its limbo and killing me.”
“Then go. Your show isn't tonight, sound check is over. Go, tell her everything you wish and tell her everything you know, and then let her go. Let her rest and be. I know she will never be far from your mind, but you need to make peace with it."
“I love you. You know that right?” I ask and I am serious, I do love her, and she knows what I mean by it.
“I love you too. I am here you know that right? I am right here and if you need me I'll meet you there.”
Right then the door lock was being jiggled and I knew that the peanut gallery had arrived to make sure I wasn’t passed out high. “Gotta go, my entourage is about to rush in, in a panic.” She laughs and ends the call with a “stay strong.”
I look up as they all pile in and light a smoke, this could take a while. “I’m alive. Not hanging from the shower. No needles dangling from my arms.” I wave my arms to show I have been a good Noah. I knew it was a shitty thing to say and do, but they have pushed me there. I had no compassion or maybe I had just lost the urge to shut the fuck up any longer.
“Funny fuck face.” Shame says and heads to the cabinet to get chips and a beer from the fridge.
“What crawled up your ass?” Chad asks and sits beside me, catching the beer that Shame tosses to him.
I say nothing, just ash my smoke into my hand before taking another drag. “Noah…” Carrie says my name and it is a dagger to the chest when I hear the frustrated sadness and I snap.
I stub the smoke out and stand searching the bus for keys, any keys to get the fuck out of here. I find my keys and head to the door.
“Where are you going?” Bright asks me, Tayla right there beside her like a fucking body guard and it sickens me that I have made them all this.
“Away. Not forever I will be back on lockdown before dark, but I need to just be alone okay?” It took everything for me to not tell them it was none of their business.
“Not without Bright you’re not.” Tayla says and folds her arms over her chest and stands strong, defiant with a look that dares me to fight her on it.
She has no idea, none of them do that I am done asking.
“You don’t get it Tay. I’m not asking. I amtellingyou I need a break.” My eyes are on her just as fierce and I am aching for a fight. So be it if she wants to be part of my rage. I would never hurt her, but I sure as fuck was spending some time alone looking for peace tonight.
“You go without Bright, or… anyone Noah, and I can’t save you.”
