How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
And how we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
Pink Floyd~Wish you were here
Chapter Eleven
Noah
The last two weeks have been hell.
I can't sleep. I am so fucking twisted up after learning loud and clear how she pity's me for my indiscretions, all I see are those tears of sadness for all the things I wish I was and will never be.
I sit in my room like I do every day after step work and write music. Some for Candey, some angry at life, but most are about regrets and self loathing where love is concerned. I have my writing sheets in front of me, but I am only strumming and thinking of Candey right now.Pink Floyds Wish you were herecomes to mind and I play it effortlessly. How do I miss someone so much and still wish I could have their approval to move on without them?
How do you say, fuck I love you so much and I miss you, but I met someone that I can no longer deny?
That's the spot I have been in for the last few weeks. And it gets worse every day. So I wrote it, and planned to sing it. I had to purge this fear of moving on, in order to move on. That or I would lose them all.
There isn't a person on this tour that likes my attitude lately, but in talking to the guys they get it. They all have their girls and can't imagine my hell or the idea of moving on after them.
Conundrum?
Fuck yeah, big time.
I am interrupted by the knock on my door."Come in." I yell but don't stop strumming.
"Hey we need to go for sound check and a few more runs of Fallen." Chad says and refers to the new song. "I love Floyd, this song makes me think of my mom." He says and I look up with a sad smile.
That is the main thing we have in common, a mother we miss and can't remember.
I set my guitar down and grab the sheet music for Fallen. We are in Tri-cities, Kennewick, Richland and Pasco, for a festival of ten bands tomorrow. When we were originally invited, Tay had said it couldn’t be done because we were in the Dakotas last week and this was meant to be our eight day break. We decided as a band that the festival was always bad ass and that if we headlined it we would do it. How T got us in the lineup was a miracle. After the show tomorrow we take a three day break before we head up north until Thanksgiving break. Once we get back, we leave the bus's behind and fly the final sixteen shows and live in hotels.
I had my car sent to meet us at the venue, because I needed home and was going there to sit on my porch, look at the bay and say goodbye to a very special girl.
I was playing her song tonight in honor of the closure I hoped to gain. I don't know when I decided that it was time, or if it was just natural. All I knew was I couldn’t keep living as half a man. The song wasn't an ode to her, it was goodbye.
I was so confused, all the fear of saying goodbye, of if I could say goodbye, confused by the fear it was too late to start over.
"Earth to Noah?!?" Chad snapped and I swatted his hand from my face.
"Fuck I was thinking dude chill." I knew I was out of it, that I had been for the last weeks plagued with the worst loss. Loss of her, and loss of, well her. Two women, one future, one man and too many fucked up mistakes to know where to lead myself.
"Noah, we don't need to do Fallen." He is trying, fuck they are all but I am so sick of the pity, the lack of trust and faith that I want to kick him in the dick.
"You annoy me greatly." I say with all the seriousness I can muster but he still laughs, making me laugh for the first time in weeks.
