"Lastly, yeah she did die tragically. Her name was Candey True. I had proposed to her at Carrie and Chad's wedding not even an hour before, when I pulled over on a two lane highway to get in the backseat and fuck her senseless." I feel that same sorrow as the scene I remember flashes before my eyes every time I tell this story.
"I saw the headlights in enough time to roll her in a vain attempt to protect her, when I actually put her in the worst position. When the car hit, the impact was so intense that it broke her neck in half and killed her instantly. I woke up, hell… like four or six hours later with tubes down my throat and everything hurt. The drummer of my band, Shamus, confirmed my worst fear and that it was real. I lived on morphine and pain pills for two weeks until I was released. Her body was preserved for those two weeks so that I could attend her funeral. I went home that night and shot up and every chance I could from then on. I slipped into the gates of hell willingly.
"I pushed everyone away, but mostly Carrie. Now we can barely talk about anything civilly and it's my fault that we are broken. I refused to rely on her or turn to her. She and Candey were soul sisters, best friends. Candey was the first person we trusted on our own and I refuse to share anymore pain with her. Shame was the only person I would talk to until Carrie called Sam in desperation."
"You and Carrie…? Do you still trust her?" She asks and I don't know how to react to her steel resolve at hearing my tale of woe. She is very much like Jen in how easily she accept what I have shared and does so without forming an opinion. She pities me, no doubt, but God bless her she is trying to hide it.
"I trust her implicitly, I just can't be around her until I get a better grip on it all." I want to tell her how much I miss her and wish shit was different, but I can't. I can't because I don't trust her and I don't know if I will. See, right now she thinks I have shared all of this in trust. If she hadGoogledmy name she would have got almost all the same info on the world wide web. The only thing I really shared in a test of trust was the early on drug abuse, and that I was in the back of the car fucking Candey. That tidbit, by God's mercy, never made it to the news.
"Okay, makes sense and I'll respect it. As for everything else…" She shakes her head and I know she wants to say the right thing here. Maybe she will, but I doubt it. I doubt it because there isn't a right thing to say. I'll do what I always do and tell her thank you and act like she helped.
"Fuck Noah… I got nothing. In fact I am pretty sure I am all around the wrong choice to sponsor you. I can't relate to you on almost anything. I don't know how I can help you but I wish I could… I honestly don't know why they chose me or why you're here thinking I can help."
I am so shocked that I bust up laughing, probably scaring her. "Holy fuck Bright…" I say and wipe the tears from my eyes, still chuckling. "Thank you Bright. Seriously, thank you."
"For what?" She asks in total shock.
"For the truth and not kissing my ass to get the job. I am still hiring you, absolutely. That honesty… God damn, Carrie knew I need that. I swear I thought you were gonna throw me a pity party or do something as equally offensive like cry and hug me."
She smiles and it is genuine. "I will not try to sugar coat shit. I am a straight shooter and I think you need that. You don't strike me as weak or incapable of seeing the truth. If you want me to be your sponsor, I accept but understand I need your help understanding because I don't know anything about the shoes you're in."
I will look back on this moment and face what I refuse to face right now, because right now I know damn well I could fall for this chick and right now I refuse to face that shit. "Deal. Consider that your orientation because we hit the road tomorrow."
