"I am addicted to heroin Bright. Not beer."
"A vice is a vice Noah. I mean, is it worth the risk?" Oh hell she can be annoying.
"What did you read a book on addiction too seriously? What risk? It's a beer and I can't remember the last time I got wasted just to forget. One it doesn’t work or get me high and two if I am gonna be dumb enough to risk it I would go broke and buy some top of the line black."
"Jesus Noah, go dark much?" Sam asks and steals the beer I just put back in the fridge before looking at Bright.I docked my phone and put the Jar of Flies album on low in the background.
"Typically, yes most people with addictive tendencies can't have liquor, drugs and most give up smoking. Noah is a case all his own. He still smokes weed, he doesn’t do any other drugs than that and only ever did heroin. Oh and he smokes Camel filters. There's no protocol here Bright. Our goal is to help him not feel weak when faced with after parties and fangirls looking to party with Americas bad boy."
"So I'm a glorified babysitter?" She asks and she looks defeated. I gotta be honest, I don’t really understand the do-gooder types but hell I like her.
"Oh if Tay could have her way then it's exactly what you are." I say and I can feel my irritation grow thinking about it.
"And if you have your way?" She asks and I smile when she cringes and blushes by her question. I fuckin' love messing with her.
"Want me to answer that?" I ask and laugh harder when she goes a shade darker.
"Stop…" She wines but laughs and it's so pretty on her. I love a woman who can take a joke and laugh, ten times hotter when she can throw shit back and Bright throws a lot of shit my way.
We sit to eat and I watch every move her mouth makes, the tendons as she swallows and I want to groan. My nuts are heavy and straining and I don't know how I am gonna get through this 'just friends' bullshit. I know I am a masochist, but come the fuck on this is extreme.
"So you never answered my question from earlier." She takes a sip of her wine, then clarifies. "I asked why you put up with this sponsor shit if it's not what you want?"
I think on how to answer it without sounding like a pussy, or weak. "They suffered the most by my addiction. I owe them." It was as simple as I could make it.
She nods in understanding. "I get that. Our loved ones take the brunt of or brash bullshit."
"Addiction is the only disease out there that puts you in the center of everyone you love while you fling your shit all over them repeatedly. Then ask them to forgive you just to do it again and again."
"Well put. Graphic but to the point."
"Why didn't you read my bio?" I ask, swapping subject because I want to know something, anything that tells me why she wants to do this.
"That's simple. I want you to tell me because you trust me."
I laugh at that. Absolutely no humor in my tone. "It ain't that easy doll."
She nods again. "It can be…" She looks hopeful and I feel bad for that hope because it's useless. "I know trust is earned and that we all ended up in shit creek for the loss of that innocence whatever it may be."
"Tell me something." It isn't a question and I know I sound like a pissed off asshole. I confirm that by the stunned look on her face. "What all did my sister and Tay tell you?"
I set my napkin down and steeple my fingers waiting.
She clears her throat and shifts, a tell that says she's nervous. She would suck ass in poker. "Well she told me a very watered down version of your life. I know your dad abused you. I know that Sully is your oldest friend and that your fiancé died tragically in a car accident. All of these culminated into your addiction manifesting repeatedly over the years."
The pity in her eyes makes me want to vomit. "Look Bright, let me make something clear…" I push my plate back in a failed attempt to give myself space to breathe and get control of this situation. I take a few deep breaths and finish my beer before I can continue calmly. "I hate pity, despise it. I won't have a sponsor who feels bad for me because I will manipulate that shit. Also, that wasn't watered down, it was held under a pool of water until it killed the truth."
I take a deep breath and tell her what she wants to know. "Our dad worked for Seattle PD, as a Lieutenant. When I was seventeen and Carrie was fourteen I blackmailed him and ran away with fifty bucks in my pocket and an in as an apprentice at a good studio." I pin my eyes on hers. "He raped Carrie, everyday damn near for those fourteen years and forced me to watch. We had no public education, friends, hell we didn't even get warm meals. He forced me to watch as he defiled her again and again and because I would fight he beat me. Beat me daily and threatened and tried multiple times to kill me."
I stop to start in on another beer and get my heart rate down. She doesn’t know, thank God, that I am dying telling her this. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and it sounds like a fucking kick drum. On the surface I look calm and capable of telling a story I would rather die than tell.
"Carrie had said that it was one of the worst recorded abuse cases in Washington history?" She asks and I admit I am taken back by how calm she is. Maybe sheisthe Noah whisperer.
I nod and stay at the counter, leaning against it and folding my arms. "I invented a game when she was three called Trust me. Over the years that game became a way of life and it taught us to only trust each other. It saved us both from being lunatics."
I take another drink to gather the courage to tackle another nightmare. "Sully's dad was our fathers partner. Anytime we spent with the Sullivan's was under seriously strict orders to shut the fuck up or watch my sister bleed out before he killed me too. The first time I got high was at Sully's while our dad was golfing with his dad. When he beat me that night it didn't hurt and it made watching my sister get brutally raped easier to handle. After that stopped working I moved on to pills which took all the physical pain away, but did nothing for me mentally. At sixteen I smoked H for the first time and when I was eighteen I was full on the needle. I almost lost everything, our studio apartment, my apprenticeship and the right to supervised guardianship of Carrie. I went through detox and had a few mishaps here and there, but overall I was clean."
I can see the shock now, the utter disbelief that a story like ours could be real. And I feel that pity in waves. I know how she sees me now and it's for the best. The more disgusted by me that she is the easier it will be to not fuck it all up with my dick.
