“Are you at the gym?” I ask.
“Yep, got to get my steps in and grow my non-existent arse. I have a second date.”
I giggle. Meghan was the first friend I made when I moved here. She’s fun, easy going, doesn’t take life too seriously. She works in marketing for my dad’s company, and I love everything about her, from her cute brunette bob to her British accent.
“Second date, this is exciting.” I smile, taking another sip of my wine.
“It is, but you avoided my question. How did the meeting go?”
“Good. I think they’ll sign with us,” I confirm.
“Oh, good. I’ll get working on the launch campaign next week.”
I finish my wine and begin pouring another.
“Uh oh, a second glass, what’s wrong?” she asks.
I let out a big sigh. “I don’t know. I think I need some sort of glow up, maybe a love life. Anthony asked me out again.”
“And of course, you said no because we don’t date grown men who still play with Pokémon cards.” Meghan says it’s a life mantra.
I choke on my wine. “Yes, that is the man’s main flaw,” I confirm.
“Why the sudden change of heart? I’ve been trying to get you to date someone for months.”
“No, you’ve been trying to get me to sign up for these unhinged dating apps where I will likely meet a serial killer and get locked in his basement.”
“Okay, firstly, we’re in England. We don’t really have basements. Secondly, you watch too much true crime, and thirdly, if you keep working these long hours and avoid the outdoors, how are you supposed to meet someone?”
“Hmm, you make a good point,” I agree.
“Yes, yes, I do. How about you and me, we have a girly day tomorrow? Get you all glammed, ready for the gala next week. Hair, nails, a little massage, new dress, lunch at Harrods.”
I smile into the screen, so grateful for this easy-going British girl. She knows my past: the good, the bad, and the ugly. She’s never judged, just took me under her wing and made me feel like there was more to me than my pain and grief, and showed me that starting over didn’t have to be scary; it could be exciting.
“Sounds good. Shall we meet at Oxford Street Station at 10 tomorrow?” I suggest.
“Sounds like a plan. See you then, babe. Love you. Bye.” She waves at the screen.
“Love you. Bye,” I repeat and end the call.
After a hot shower, fresh pajamas, and Noah on my mind the entire time, I head for my nightstand and the secret box I keep in the bottom drawer. I take my glass of wine and head out to the balcony that overlooks the wharf in London. It’s a beautiful view that I’ll never tire of. Being close to the water helps me relax, and it always makes me think of Noah and our times at the beach in the early days of my grief.
I take a seat on the outdoor couch, setting down my glass of wine on the table so I can open the box. It’s filled with letters from Noah. I take out the first letter he ever wrote to me.
I think about him every day. I miss him, but in a different way from the way I miss Trent. I’ve accepted Trent isn’t coming back. He’ll always be a part of my life, my story, but he’s a chapter that I have had to close, whereas my chapter with Noah was lefton a cliffhanger. I don’t regret walking away that day; I think it’s what I needed to do, but I wish things could have happened differently.
I bring my knees to my chest and remember the words he said to me:Amor Fati. It means to love your fate. I instinctively reach for the compass necklace that hangs around my neck.
I reach inside the box, pull out my notebook and pen, and begin writing.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Noah
I re-read Tori’s letter on the flight, analyzing every word. We have exchanged letters over the years, and there have been so many times I wanted to run to her. But she asked for space, and I needed to respect it. I know she was leaning on me, but truthfully, I liked it. I felt needed, I felt useful, and I wanted to save her because I think she may have also been saving me. I don’t think it really hit me until Tori walked away, leaving me without a distraction, how badly I was drowning in my grief and my guilt over what happened.
I think Jack saved my life that day I called him, and he came. Over time, I opened up to Brad and Harry, but never told them the full extent of my struggles. I didn’t want to worry them. I knew I needed a change, but I wasn’t ready to walk away, so I put in a transfer for the special forces. I needed somethingthat would keep me away and keep me moving, because when I stopped, all I thought about was Tori or Scotty.
