I stare at him, jaw clenched, and my chest fit to burst with anger.
“This isn’t you, Noah. Talk to me, buddy. I’m here.” I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling my need to fight dissipate.
“I fucked up, Jack. I fucked up bad.” My legs give out, and I hit the floor, and Jack follows.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Whatever it is, we can fix it.”
I sniff and shake my head, not letting myself cry. “No, this, this can’t be fixed.”
“Everything can be fixed, Noah.”
I swallow the bile that’s worked its way up my sore throat and muster up the courage to speak my truth.
“I slept with Tori. And now she’s gone. She walked out without a second glance, and I haven’t heard from her since, and I miss her so goddamn much. Every time I close my eyes, I see her. I see Scotty, bleeding out on that fucking floor.”
I bring my knees up and rest my forearms on them, pushing my fingers into my hair and tug.
“I replay that day over and over. I should have known that the shooter was there. I took my eye off the ball for a second. I must have done. I’ve never missed a threat or a target, Jack, never, and now he’s gone, and it’s all my fault. It’s my fault Scotty is gone, it’s my fault Tori doesn’t have him. It’s my fault she lost their baby, and I tried to fix it for her, and I fucked it all up because I…”
“Because you what?” Jack asks, placing a comforting hand on my back.
“Because I fell in love with her.” I sigh, a mixture of relief and exhaustion working its way out of my body. I have never admitted that out loud.
“What happened to Scotty is not your fault. It could have been any of us. We know it’s a risk with that job. You can’t carry that weight, Noah. It wasn’t your fault.”
His words become too much to handle, and I break. My body shudders uncontrollably, and I let myself cry for the first time in years without a care. Jack sits with me. He stays silent, with just a hand on my back to let me know he’s there.
“I’m sorry, fuck, I’m a mess.” I stammer eventually as I wipe my nose with the back of my hand.
“How long have you been living like this?” Jack asks, not with judgment but with concern.
“A couple of months. I’m on a temporary leave of absence. The commanding officer says I need to deal with my anger. I got kicked out the block, so I’ve been renting this shitty place.”
“Noah! Shit man, this isn’t you.”
“I know,” I admit as I hang my head in shame.
“Does anyone know?”
I look up at him. “No, and you can’t tell them. Not yet. Ria can never know. I don’t want to worry her. She’s pregnant again. She doesn’t need the worry.”
“She’s pregnant again?” he asks, but there is a hint of something I can’t quite decipher in his voice.
“Yeah, it’s new, so I don’t wanna stress her out.”
“Brad and Harry would wanna help. I can get them to fly out.”
I cut him off with a bark. “No, no. Jack, please. Brad, he’s fragile enough after that day, and Harry, he can’t ever know. He’d never speak to me again.”
“Yes, he would,” Jack confirms.
“No, he wouldn’t. Did you hear what I said? I fucked his sister,” I say on a shaky voice, the pain of it all resurfacing.
“Yeah, I heard you, and I also heard you say you love her, so that sounds a lot more than just fucking her.” He gives me a knowing look.
“It doesn’t matter because it’s not what she wants. She left, and I let her go.”
Jack shuffles into a more comfortable position and leans his head back to rest against the cabinet.
