Which made me want to smokeup.
Vicious fuckingcycle.
It wasn’t like I wanted to be a failure or a fraud. Wasn’t like I’d accepted those fucking roles in Maggie’slife.
I fought them like hell, and I stillfailed.
I kept trying to please her, trying to give her what I thought she wanted so I could win her over, and all I did was fuck it up. I’d tried to win her over with sex about a million times, but just because she’d fucked me a handful of times didn’t mean it was any kind of victory. I knew thatnow.
She wanted me, and just like her love for me, that want probably went way back,too.
So she’d let me have herbody.
She’d never let me near herheart.
She was protecting herself from me, and for goodreason.
As I went over all this shit in my head, I knew she’d already told me all this stuff at some point or another. A lot of it, she’d told merepeatedly.
That she didn’t trust me. That she couldn’t give me her heart. That she couldn’t love me because I made it impossible for her to dothat.
I’d just never heardher.
I didn’t want to believe her, because I’d convinced myself that all I had to do was get her between the sheets again and she’d come around to the inescapable truth that we were meant to betogether.
But if we were meant to be together, I should’ve been able to get my shit together and treat her right,right?
I didn’t treat herright.
I treated her like every other woman I’d tried to get into bed. Like sex with her was some kind of currency. Something I could use to persuade her to open up tome.
Or something I could use to hurt her, by having sex with other women when she’d hurtme.
Sex was the most powerful tool I’d ever had when it came to women, and with Maggie, all my other shit was pretty much useless anyway. My talent, my fame; she took those in stride. Because of her job, and long before that, her fucking dad, she was surrounded by rock stars and all the bullshit that came with them. Unlike so many other women I met, none of that shit was gonna faze her or impressher.
I’d tried the money thing, maybe just a little, with the engagement ring and the watch. But I knew that really wasn’t gonna do iteither.
Sex. Sex was the only thing that ever let me through Maggie’swall.
If that really wasn’t gonna do it anymore… what the fuck did Ihave?
I waspowerless.
Powerless, just like I was with my fucking addiction. And the only thing that ever worked to get me off the booze was to completely surrender to the fact that I was powerless. That I had a weakness. A destructive obsession that was wreaking utter fucking havoc on my life, that would destroy my life. That I neededhelp.
That I couldn’t overcome italone.
And that no one else could fix it for me,either.
I had to do it myself—with help and support. Because I didn’t have all the answers. My sponsor didn’t have all the answers. As wise as his ass sounded, Seth didn’t have all theanswers.
And as much as I would’ve loved to find them deep in Maggie’s pussy, she didn’t have all the answers,either.
The truth was I’d been living like I’d overcome all this shit, like I was done with it. I’d hoped I was done with it… but I’d never bedone.
The path of recovery was a long and winding road, and one I’d just have to keep walking. Some people, for a time, would walk it with me. When I asked for help, and even when Ididn’t.
I might fall down, and I might fuckup.
