My physical health, at least, was in greatshape.
My mental health was a whole otherdisaster.
The day of the first of our two L.A. shows, I avoided sound check and the venue until showtime. Once I was backstage, I made myself busy talking to whoever else was around so I could avoid having to talk toZane.
And it wasn’t fun. It was far fromfun.
Avoiding him, and spending so much mental energy avoiding him, completely sucked. It was exhausting andtorturous.
After the show, both bands went barhopping, and I went with them—because I was trying to make an effort. Not let my bullshit with Zane turn me into a hermit. But I skipped the limos and took a taxi with Talia. We ended up at Dylan’s nightclub, where I danced the night away with the girls. The dance floor was a pretty safe bet; Zane didn’t like todance.
He definitely liked watching me dance,though.
He also seemed to like several fangirls who were circling around, flirting with him andMatt.
The girls were everywhere. When I really cared to pay attention… they were everywhere Dirtywent.
Asalways.
Begging Jesse to take selfies withthem.
Trying to get Dylan’s attention while Amber was busy talking to someoneelse.
Following the Steel Trap guysaround.
Xander had two chicks all over him. They were sitting on him, and one of them had her hand happily planted on hiscrotch.
When I left the club, I saw Ash outside making out with some dude up against the wall in the alley. No sign of the chick he’d walked in with about an hourago.
I had to stare for a sec, because really, Ash was super fucking hot—all angsty, badass rock star in his tight black jeans and sleeveless shirt and mussed-up black hair. And sucking face with some hot blondguy?
Holyshit.
I would’ve found it sexy if I didn’t feel so sorry forhim.
Ash had been a hot mess ever since whatever number Dylan and Amber had done on him. I loved Dylan, I liked Amber already, but I liked Ash too, and honestly, I felt horrible for him. It was pretty clear he’d had his heart broken and was on some booze-and-sex spree, and I didn’t even know all thedetails.
Wasn’t sure I wanted toknow.
Too fuckingdepressing.
The whole idea of having to be around someone you cared about, maybe were in love with, while they were happily in love with someoneelse…
Painful.
Depressing.
Not the kind of shit I’d wish on my worstenemy.
I was in enough pain of my own. But at least Zane wasn’t in love with someoneelse.
Back in my hotel room, alone, I kept looking at histext.
And I kept wondering if he’d come back to the hotel or not. If he wasalone.
Zane:please take down yourwall
He hadn’t sent me another personal text since that one. He hadn’t followed me back to my hotel room or tried to get me alone tonight. He hadn’t tried to get medrunk.
