I was with him and the rest of the band in a dressing room, and he didn’t look particularly nervous. He was talking with Jesse and Seth, joking around and semi-arguing about the changes they’d made to the set list, and I just watchedhim.
At every show on this tour, for a few minutes before the band went onstage, they’d had this alone time. Only the band, Jude and me were welcome in the room, and of course Brody, if he was intown.
Everyone else had to wait outside while Dirty got ready to take the stagetogether.
I didn’t always join into these informal little meetings, but when I did, I didn’t say much. I just stood back and kept out of the way in case I wasneeded.
Which was exactly what I didtonight.
Usually, Jesse busted out the bourbon and everyone except Zane and Seth did a shot right before showtime. I was pretty sure Jesse still did his pre-show shot with Katie, but he kept it on the down-low; there was definitely no booze in thisroom.
When it was time to hit the stage, we all headed out, Jude in the lead and me in back. But just before he went onstage, Zane reached back and caught myhand.
We were standing at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the stage, and while the rest of the band headed up, he gave me a hug. But he didn’t sayanything.
Then he ran up there and did histhing.
I watched him perform from backstage with Katie. He looked gorgeous, as usual, with his hair all white-blond under the lights and sweat running down his face, a little smudge of black eyeliner that made his blue eyes pop. His arms looked chiseled in his sleeveless Danzig T-shirt, his shoulders broad. He was wearing charcoal-black leather pants; Zane didn’t often wear leather pants, but when he did… as he ran around the stage, they clung to him in a way that made me bite mytongue.
He wasincredibletonight, and listening to him sing had my heart racing. Especially when he sang, “I’ll Go,” which they’d just added to the setlist.
My heart always raced when Zane sang. But this time, my respect for him was exploding,too.
He hadn’t broken when I feared hewould.
And I realized, as I watched him out there, rocking the place down—clean and sober—that I’d never actually believed he’d be able to give up pot. I’d doubted his ability to do that in everyway.
To be fair, I’d never seen him totally give up potbefore.
But I’d definitely never believed that he could or that hewould.
The truth was, I never believed he actually wantedto.
Now, I was seeing him in a whole newlight…
It had only been a few days. But Zane had stopped smoking pot, on his own, because he wantedto.
Just likethat.
I was afraid it wouldn’tstick.
I was afraid he’d change his mind or fall apart or just plainfail.
But I was hopeful,too.
For the first time in…ever, I actually had hope that Zane might stayclean.
And what that could mean forus…? I wasn’t even sure I could go thereyet.
But yes. It gave mehope.
It gave me even more hope, in a weird way, when at the same time he’d stopped smoking pot, he’d also stopped trying to get in mypants.
It wasn’t like he’d lost his mojo oranything.
That much wasclear.
As I watched him out on that stage, he was still just as sexy as he’d ever been. And all the women out there, screaming for him? They clearly agreed withme.
