Jude treated me with respect, kindness if not warmth, and a reserved sort ofaffection.
But he never eventriedto kiss meagain.
I kept seeing other guys. But it never felt like it did with Jude. More and more, I had a better time just talking to Jude than making out with whatever guy I wasseeing.
Eventually, I started talking to him about the guys I was seeing. He listened. He didn’t always say much, but helistened.
And somehow, he became this anchor point in my life. This stable place where I could ground myself and find true north, no matter what drama was going on at home or with the guys I wasdating.
I always knew what I was going to get with Jude. He always treated me the same. He wasn’t hot and cold like some guys were. He was never too busy for me if I wanted to talk to him. He never denied me if I asked him for a joint. He never looked down on me. He never brushed me off to go talk to some othergirl.
There were other girls. I saw him withthem.
But he never treated me like I was lesserthan.
With Jude, there was nodrama.
I’d had plenty of sex. I’d dated plenty of guys, both boys andmen.
I’d never really felt like someonecaredabout me like hedid.
The thing was, I didn’t realize that care was missing until I felt it coming from him. And it wasn’t just pretty packaging to deliver his dick to me in. He never even tried to get in mypants.
Never.
At some point, it became clear to me that Jessa, who’d never been into pot, was smoking up with Seth. I knew she’d been sneaking out to see him, going to parties, and I figured they were screwing around. Drinking. Whatever. Seth was hot, so I was happy for her. Until I found out she was smoking up. It just seemed odd to me. She’d never been into it, had been scared of it, I thought, and wouldn’t do it withme.
But she was doing it withSeth.
I asked her if she was screwinghim.
She saidno.
But she kept hanging out with him—a lot more than anyone else knew. She said her brother would disapprove and it would cause drama with the band. So I kept hersecrets.
Often, I covered forher.
I lied to her brother forher.
And I chatted up Jude at parties to distract him, throw him off herscent.
Sometimes it didn’t work. Sometimes maybe it did. It was hard to know with Jude. He would give me his attention, even his undivided attention, even at crazy parties and even when he was working. But he never let me in on his secrets, and I was pretty sure he neverwould.
I figured that out about him earlyon.
And then I noticed, one night, when he was looking for Jessa at a party and he said to me, “Let me know before you leave,” that he’d started looking out for me, too, the same way he looked out forher.
And I likedit.
I’d never had a man look out for me before. My mom’s string of useless boyfriends definitely never cared thatmuch.
“I will,” I promisedhim.
That night, he walked me out to my mom’s car. He gave me that bouncer stare-down of his, like he was making sure I wasn’t gonna cause trouble. “You been drinking?” he askedme.
“Nope,” I said. “I never drink and drive.” I didn’t. He knew that bynow.
He still stared medown.
