“Even Jesse. You know that wasn’t easy… but I think he’ll listen to Jessa. And clearly, she’s willing totry.”
“AndBrody?”
“Brody will come around,” I said, repeating Jesse’s words to me; trusting them. “Jesse’s gonna talk to him.” I pulled him closer and said, “It’ll be okay, Seth. We’ll get through this. I actually think it’ll make us stronger as a band. We’ve been kind of needing something anyway, this last year… since Jesse and I broke up. Something to cut right through all the tension and bullshit and force us to appreciate each other again. In a weird way, I think that’s happening. Because ofyou.”
“Well, glad I could help.” His words were laced with sarcasm, and he sighed. “Sorry I went about it in such a shitty way, but I guess you’ve finally all figured out that was my plan all along. You know, screwing around with Jessa when we were teenagers and OD’ing. It was all just part of my master plan to make the bandstronger.”
I grinned. “Wow. Who knew?” I pressed in and kissed him, and just then, a ripple of nauseaarose.
I pulled back and Seth frowned. His arms tightened around me. “There’s somethingelse.”
“Yeah. It’s just…” I did not knowhowto say it, so I went all roundabout and said, “It seems that Jessa and Brody’s little one… is gonna have a little partner-in-crime, to wreak havoc with backstage.” I put my hands on my stomach automatically; protectively,maybe.
Seth looked down, watching my hands smooth over mystomach.
When his eyes met mine again, they were wide and dark. “You’re…pregnant.”
I couldn’t tell if it was a question or not, or if he was in shock, or what. I’d never seen his eyes look likethat.
“Yes,” I said, forcing it out. “I mean, I’m pretty fucking sure. My period’s over a week late, and I took a few pregnancytests.”
His eyebrow rose slightly. “Afew?”
“Yeah. Like… five.” This morning, I’d peed on the rest of the sticks, every test I’d brought home the other day. And they all said the samething.
Seth’s eyes widened even more. He nodded slowly, like he was processing all of this—with difficulty. “Five,” herepeated.
“I’ll see my doctor tomorrow,” I explained. “I have an appointment.” My hands were spread on my flat stomach. I hadn’t started to show yet. The baby was about the size of a sesame seed right now; I’d already looked it up. But it was my baby. I already felt fiercely protective of it… of him or her. “And I’m keeping it,” I forced out, “so please don’t even ask. And yes, it’s definitely yours, so don’t ask that,either.”
Seth shook his head, slowly. “I wasn’t going toask.”
“I just want you to know,” I pressed on, “that this is happening. No matter what happens with the band.”No matter what happens with you, I meant to say, but Ididn’t.
I wanted to tell him that I didn’t want, or need, anything from him. I had money. Resources. Technically, I didn’tneeda partner in order to raise thischild.
But that wasn’t exactly true. I neededhim. And I wanted a lot from him. Things I was scared to askfor.
Scared, because after seeing him with Jessa, her hand on his arm when they walked into the church… I realized he’d never actually told me how he felt about hernow.
I took a breath, and I found the courage, somehow, to ask. “Do you still loveJessa?”
His mouth opened a bit, those full, beautiful lips of his parting, and he drew a ragged breath. “Elle,” he said, shifting closer to me, so his hips pressed to mine. He seemed to be searching for the right words to express whatever was going on in his head, behind his eyes. “I don’trememberher.”
I frowned, deeply. “What do youmean?”
“I mean… I know I told you a lot about what happened back then. What I remember of it. But when I think back… other than writing the songs, I can’t remember what Jessa and I used to talk about when we were alone. I used to think about that, a lot, when I was in rehab. Itriedto remember, but it was like… there was nothing there. Just these strange, silent memories, like pictures, frozen. Her smile, or her face crumpled up when she was mad at me. But there was no sound in those memories other than the music. No words between us other than the ones in the songs. We had the songs and we had the drugs. I know there were some arguments. I know she wanted me to give up the drugs. And I tried so hard to remember exactly what it was I loved about her. I knew I did, at some point. I must have. But I could not tell youwhy.”
Jesus.
That was so…sad. Maybe I should’ve felt relieved that he couldn’t remember what he’d loved about her, but Ididn’t.
Despite all the pain I’d felt after the breakup with Jesse, if someone told me I’d forget everything about our relationship except the music we’d made together and the pain of the breakup… that would’ve been so muchworse.
At least I had the memories of the good times we’dhad.
“Maybe you don’t need a reason why you love someone,” Ioffered.
“Yes, youdo.”
