But none of those things would keep him clean; I understood thatmuch.
He had to want to stay clean for himself. Otherwise whatever hard time came along, whatever stress—and there would be stress—it could trigger him. He could get high once, in a moment of weakness… and start the downward spiralagain.
All I could really do was support him, trust him, and put my faith in him. But I already had faith in him. There was no question about that in myheart.
I believed inSeth.
Jesse was staring at me, unblinking. “You’re in love withhim?”
“Jesse…”
“I know.” He turned away and continued up the aisle. “It’s none of my fuckingbusiness…”
I watched him leave, and a smile crept over myface.
It was pretty much the first time in a year-and-a-half that I’d had a conversation with Jesse without having to pretend I was okay, while inside I was really feeling likeshit.
I did feel okay. I felt happy.Relieved.
But then again… I was also terrified. Because even though it seemed the band was ready to talk to Seth about coming back to us, I really wasn’t sure how Seth would take theothernews.
No matter how much he cared about me, hearing those words—I’m pregnant—just plain freaked some guys the fuckout.
He’ll do the rightthing.
That’s what I kept telling myself. But it was a coldcomfort.
I didn’t want him to do the right thing, which was stand by me and supportme.
I wanted him to fall head-over-heels in love with our baby… like I could already feel myself doing, gradually and irreversibly, one heart beat at atime.
* * *
When I got home,Seth was waiting for me on the back deck. He had a coffee and he was gazing out over the water. The sun had just crept down over the islands, and the horizon was a volcanic eruption of violet, scarlet andgold.
“Gorgeous,” I said as I sat down next to him. “You know, I never get tired of thisview.”
He looked at me, his green-gray eyes molten as they reflected the sunset. His gaze slid over my face. “I know what youmean.”
Ismiled.
“Coffee?” heoffered.
“No, thanks.” I felt my smile fade. Caffeine; just another thing I was gonna have to give up, with a baby growing inside of me. “How do you feel?” I askedhim.
“Tired. I threw a double shot in here, hoping it might pick me up.” He lifted his mug for a sip and shrugged. “Nothing.”
I could understand the feeling. I felt crazy-tired. I had no idea if it was the pregnancy or just the strain of keeping it to myself, when I’d been dying to tell someone… along with the strain of everything else—the whirlwind of falling, hard, for him, and the long hours of auditions, moonlighting in the studio—but it was all hitting me, right now. I could fall rightover.
Instead, I got up and pulled him from his chair, wrapping my arms around him. I looked into his smoky, soulful eyes as we leaned together against the deck railing, holding eachother.
“I have something to tellyou.”
I saw the trepidation, the doubt, flicker over his features, before he tried to hide it. He was probably thinking I was about to tell him the band wasn’t going to take him back. That it was just never gonnahappen.
“It’s not that,” I said. “The band… We’ve agreed that we all want you to come back tous.”
He stared at me, clearly unsure. “EvenJesse?”
