“I bet,” Cyren commented, flying through a yellow light before it could turn.
“What you got going on over there? Any big plans this weekend?” Tony asked.
She wished. “No. No big plans. I just came from volunteering at this food pantry.”
“That’s what’s up, baby. I know you enjoyed that.”
Cyren smiled. “I really did. I’ve been going for a few weeks now. Just on the weekends, but I think I want to do more.”
“More like what? Talk to me. I can hear your mind racing from over here,” Tony urged.
This was why she loved him. Cyren could yap all day about how she was feeling without feeling like she’d be judged. Her thoughts briefly shifted to Heavy and how she’d felt the same way whenever they talked.
“I was having a conversation with the owner, Mama Dot. She’s such a sweet older lady. She was telling me how she started the pantry and why. I don’t know... it just got me thinking about what my why is. What is it that I’m really supposed to be doing?”
“The conversation has you questioning your why in what?” Tony asked, wanting her to explain.
Not for himself, but for her own understanding. She needed to talk her thoughts out to someone so she could begin to make sense of them all. Sometimes, words spoken aloud were safer than in your head.
“In everything,” she said, honestly. “Life. Myself. What I’m doing… what I’m not doing.”
“Those are good things to reflect on, but is it out of comparison? What someone else’s life looks like will never look like yours and vice versa.”
Cyren sighed. “I know that. I wouldn’t ever want anyone to have the life I’m living, but I’m not complaining about it. I’m just...”
“You’re giving yourself grace to figure it all out. There’s nothing wrong with that,” Tony said.
“I know. But when does my grief stop being an excuse for giving myself grace, and simply just have gratitude?”
Tony was taken aback at her words. She’d strung them together as if she hadn’t even thought about them. Rarely did she leave him speechless, but she had just now.
“That’s another question you have to sit and ask yourself. It’s okay for them all to co-exist.”
“Yes, I know. I mean, I’m grateful for life, you know. I truly am. But every day I think about my mom and how she’s not here, and then the grief just swallows me whole. I literally can’t get out of bed some days. That’s how crippling it is. It’s a never-ending battle.”
Tony’s chest ached, wishing he could hug her. “It is, but so is life. You gotta decide how long you sit in that grief. It’s not just going to go away, but you can learn to navigate it. Have a bit more control on those days where you feel it winning.”
Cyren licked her lips and flicked on her right blinker. “Today was one of those days. I really didn’t want to get up, but then Mama Dot called and asked if I was still coming. So, I showed up.”
“And showing up, no matter how it may look, is all that counts. You keep showing up for you, the way you do for others, doing whatever feels best to get you through those moments, and keep going. I know me saying it isn’t as easy as it sounds, but just know you can do it.”
She knew she could, too, but goodness, was it hard. “You’re right. That’s all I can do. I just have to remember that.”
“Yep. That’s all. And if you need a reminder, I’m always here.”
Cyren smiled. “Thank you.”
“You know it’s nothing. How’s staying with Nia going?” Tony asked.
While she wanted to lie and tell him everything was fine, Cyren had grown out of telling people what they wanted to hear just so no one was uncomfortable. Including her.
“It’s fine. I mean, I do feel lonelier here than I did at school,” she admitted after a moment. “And that doesn’t make sense to me. I’m around family, but… I still feel like I’m by myself.”
“That’s not uncommon,” Tony said, gently. “Being around people doesn’t always mean you feel connected to them.”
Cyren nodded to herself, even though he couldn’t see her. “Yeah. And I think that’s what it is. I just… I don’t feel connected to anything right now.”
“Not even your job?”
