“I mean, it’s mostly just a PR move to, you know, cover for the citation. Which was such bullshit, and everyone knows it.”
Lily didn’t have the words to respond as she stared at Wren in disbelief, because how could she be so disconnected from what was going on? Wren’s facial expression shifted rapidly, sensing that she hadn’t quite landed on what Lily wanted to hear. “I mean, like, yeah, I know it’s serious, and umm…” Wren’s voice dropped off nervously.
Lily sighed in frustration, pulling her feet out of the wet sand with a squelch and moving away from the water.
“Where are you going?” Wren called after her, still standing by the water. But Lily didn’t answer. By the time Wren joined her, she already had both her shoes on, sand uncomfortably rubbing against her skin in her socks. “Lily?”
“You never take anything seriously, Wren!” she snapped, getting to her feet, heat coursing through her as she finally allowed the gate holding back her anger to fly open, releasing the river of everything she usually held back. “I know thinking about hard or uncomfortable feelings isn’t your thing, but I need you to wake up and take this seriously. Soccer is everything you love and all of that could have disappeared. But it doesn’t feel like you’re getting that.” Lily threw her hands up in frustration, crossing them before letting them fall by her sides again.
“Because it didn’t happen, Lily, everything’s fine. All I’ve gotta do is stay here for a month and then I get to go back.”
Anger welled inside Lily’s body because how was Wren still not understanding?
“But itcouldhave and the only reason it didn’t is because my mom made sure you ended up here.” Lily waved her arms around her. “This isn’t normal rehab, Wren—this isprivilegedrehab.”
Her chest heaved, wind whipping hair across her face.
“You’re a professional athlete in rehab after getting arrested for public drunkenness. And yeah, you’re right, this might be a PR move, but maybe it’s also a chance to learn how to open up in a safe space. God knows you need to learn how to do that.” Lily’s chest heaved as the slightest hint of regret settled over her with the realization that she may have said too much.
Wren’s eyes were glued to the ground, shoulders hunched, not making any attempt to interject as she let Lily finish.
A flash of sun flickered across her cheeks and it was only then that Lily noticed the tears falling silently from Wren’s eyes. Lily’s stomach twisted with guilt even as she reached for Wren, throwing her arms around her neck, pulling her shaking frame tight against her body.
Wren had never cried in front of her before, not like this. Not looking so broken.
“I—I—” Wren hiccuped. “Can, I’m just?—”
“Shhh,” Lily said, brushing her hand up and down Wren’s back. “Breathe.”
“I’m such a fuck up, Lily.” Wren sniffled, head still cradled in the crook of Lily’s neck, muffling her voice. “I’ve never been able to do anything right. My parents always said—when I was little—they gave me two choices, and I always chose the wrong one. And I don’t know why. And I’m trying. I’m trying so hard, and?—”
Wren’s words got lost in her full-body sobs. The sight completely gutted Lily as she squeezed tighter. “That’s not who you are,” she said quietly, trying to think of a way to soothe Wren, to make this all go away, to fix it for her.
They stood there together until Wren’s breathing evened out and her shaky tears subsided. The salty breeze made the ends of Lily’s hair dance around them as they clung to each other.
Her mama’s voice echoed in her mind as she wiped away Wren’s tears.As long as you’re there catching her, she’s never going to realize how hard the ground actually is.Lily’s handsstilled as the realization set in that there wasn’t anything she could do to fix this for Wren. Only Wren could do that for herself, and Lily didn’t know anymore if she was helping her or hurting her by constantly being there to catch her.
“I love you. That’s what makes this so hard.” Lily held Wren’s gaze, watching as sadness was replaced by confusion, followed by worry. “But I was taught that part of loving someone is helping them learn when it’s time to grow… I think this is a growth moment for you, Wren.”
Waves crashed in the silence between them as Wren’s eyes flitted back and forth as she attempted to formulate a response. “I can grow,” she said quickly. “For you—anything. Just tell me what you want.”
Lily’s heart sank at those two words—for you.
It’s brave to know when to walk away.It was something her mom had said to her during their car chat in Oregon. Something Lily hadn’t really understood until this very moment, when she found herself standing at the crossroads of bravery and complacency,Wren smiling at her weakly.
“I can’t.” The hot tears were back, stinging her eyes as she tried to blink them away, stepping back from Wren.
“Wha—”
“Please, Wren. Please—don’t. I can’t. I can’t be that person for you, the person you do everything for. Not like this.” She took another step away from Wren, back toward the little hut next to the path they had entered the beach from.
“Lils—” Wren’s voice cracked with fear, desperately reaching for her, but she was already too far away.
Lily looked back at Wren as flashes of the forever she so badly wanted to have with her flew around her mind. But that forever would never be possible if they didn’t learn how to stand on their own without propping the other up. She breathed in deeply, drawing on her remaining strength, committing fully toher decision that now was the time to be brave and trust that if she and Wren were truly meant to be, they would one day find their way back to each other.
“I love you, but I can’t be your girlfriend, Wren. Not until you learn to love yourself enough to live for yourself.” Lily forced the words through her own tears. “So you do that. You learn. And when you do, come find me.” She held Wren’s gaze for a long moment, taking a mental image of the hurt looking back at her, tucking it away with all the other mental images of Wren she had collected in their time together.
Lily turned quickly on her heel, her short, hurried steps carrying her past the guard stand and back up the path towards the estate. She fought the urge to look back at Wren one last time, but knew it would only make this so much worse. So she kept moving forward, one foot after the next, all the way back to the pool area where her moms, Nell, and Nate all still sat chatting in overstuffed lounge chairs.
