Lily froze for a moment, panicked by even the thought. Still, the way Amanda asked it was more a curiosity as towhetherthe thought had crossed Lily’s mind, not delivered as a solution Lilyshouldexplore. That distinction was crucial.
“Yes and no,” Lily muttered. She didn’t really want to talk about that. Retirement from gymnastics had always felt so far away until recently, when the prospect suddenly felt like it was standing right in front of her. “I asked Jamie about it—you know, the day of her surgery, when we were all hanging out in her hospital room.” Lily’s voice was quiet, eyelids fluttering shut—the memory of the day playing in her mind.
The room had smelled of disinfectant and that weird starch-y scent of freshly opened bandages. Jamie had wanted the day to feel like a party, so Lily and her mama had spent the week leading up to the surgery making paper decorations and discussing the possible outcomes. Lily remembered how, in the moment, she had been so certain, so sure she understood that Jamie’s dying was a very real possibility—yet it still didn’t make that moment the surgeon delivered the news any less shocking.
“You had just left, and my moms and Nell ran to pick up lunch for everyone. Jamie told me to ask all my burning questions now or forever hold my peace. You know how she thought she was so funny.” Lily rolled her eyes and Amanda grinned.
“I think we can all agree that Jamie was corny at best, but always with a good heart.”
Lily nodded. “I asked her when the right time to retire was, and she said I’ll wake up and feel it one day.”
“How unhelpful.” Amanda smirked.
“Yeah, not her best moment of wisdom, but given the circumstances, I’m willing to forgive her.”
Amanda leaned forward, gathering her red hair over her shoulder. “Do you want my advice?” Lily nodded, and Amanda continued. “We fell in love with a sport that comes with a pretty narrow performance window, which is incredibly unfortunate because when you’re as passionate about a sport as it takes to perform at the level we did, the thought of it all being over so soon is a lot to digest.”
Lily sat back, relieved at the way Amanda had been able to summarize her thoughts without Lily ever needing to say anything. She breathed deeply, feeling more of the weight on her chest lifting.
“Jamie wasn’t totally wrong. It is a feeling, and it comes at a different time for everyone. But there are some factors to consider—ones like your ability to compete safely, readiness for the commitment and toll competing at this level takes, and timing. It’s a lot to consider.”
Lily thought for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip. “How do you know what comes next?”
“I don’t think anyone ever truly knows. I definitely didn’t. I had a few years where I felt like I was floating around trying to figure out what was next, but everyone eventually finds their way.” Amanda reached a hand out, gently touching Lily’s arm. “I know I’m not Jamie, but I know she would be so proud of how you handled the last six months.”
Lily smiled weakly, eyes cast down. “Thanks, Amanda, you know, for taking the time to talk with me about all this stuff, and about Jamie. I’ve been missing her a lot lately.”
“We can talk about Jamie any time,” Amanda offered in a genuine tone. The sound of the metal doors opening, followed by excited chatter, drew their gaze. Amanda looked over her shoulder, down into the open gym area. “I think our class of littlechaos gymnasts is starting to arrive. We should probably head downstairs.”
That afternoon, trying to distract herself from the retirement conversation with Amanda, Lily sat at her mom’s kitchen counter, finger flicking across her tablet screen. She blushed profusely while examining a website Dylan had sent her. The site in question was a sex toy website—a reputable and ethical one—but still a sex toy website that Lily, even now at twenty, didn’t quite feel mature enough to be looking at.
She had made the mistake of telling Dylan she wanted to surprise Wren with something fun for Valentine’s Day. Dylan, being ever the compulsive over-researcher, dove right into creating a comprehensive analysis and subsequent matrix of the best things to get your girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. A matrix that included an entire tab on sex toys, which is how Lily had landed here.
“Hey sweetie,” her mom said distractedly as she wandered into the kitchen, looking down at the phone in her hand, a smile on her face.
Heat bloomed across her cheeks as Lily swiftly flipped her tablet over, not wanting her mom, of all people, to see what she had been looking at. A glance at the clock revealed that Lily had lost track of time, explaining her mom’s sudden, unexpected reappearance.
“How was your yoga class?” Lily asked quickly, making sure her mom didn’t have time to ask what she had been up to.
Sarah reached into the cabinet for a glass, then filled it with water. “Oh, it was nice. I ran into Mama, and we had a reallygood time. Ended up swinging by the Grumpy Goat to grab some coffee afterwards.”
“Since when does Mama do yoga?” Lily mused, running through her mind for any time her mama had ever willingly done anything athletic. “And since when do you two hang out?” She raised a skeptical eyebrow. She had always kind of assumed her moms only stayed friends for her sake—to keep the family peace—something Lily had always been quietly thankful for.
Her mom coughed on her sip of water, sputtering. “Oh, she—uh—mentioned it was a New Year’s resolution. You know, building healthy habits.”
Lily and her mama had made their New Year’s resolutions together on New Year’s Day. But Lily— nursing her worst hangover to date after celebrating her first anniversary with Wren the previous night—hadn’t really been listening to her at all.
“Oh yeah, I think I remember her saying that,” Lily said, her voice trailing off, a silence hanging between them as Sarah sipped water from the glass in her hand.
“Anything on your mind, sweetie?”
Lily inhaled deeply, weighing whether to ask her mom her question, her earlier conversation with Amanda about retirement still top of mind. “Can I ask you a question about something kind of random?”
“I don’t know, can you?” her mom teased. Lily rolled her eyes—that joke was seriously so lame.
“You need a better joke, Mom.” She laughed, pausing to collect herself, inhaling deeply. “How did you know you wanted to be a lawyer? And, like, know what you want to do with the rest of your life?”
Her mom’s hazel eyes searched hers, a thoughtful expression on her face. She was quiet for only a moment before speaking. “There were several things I liked about law. The structure, theorder, the chance to be the voice of change. The law is ever-evolving, meaning you’re always learning, and that appealed to me. I also enjoyed the challenge, and my mom always told me I was born to argue.”
