“So,” Sarah said, unable to mask that matter-of-fact, let’s get down to business tone that had a habit of slipping into her sentences. “Where does that leave us?”
Her eyes swept slowly over Beth, anticipation flowing through her, hoping Beth would say exactly what she wanted to hear.
Beth looked up at her, eyes puffy and sparkling and beautiful. She licked her bottom lip. “I want another chance with you. And I know that’s selfish of me, and I know I probably don’t deserve it, but you were right.Wefeel different this time, and I don’t know how to explain it other than that.”
She was interrupted by a low chime followed by the voice of the captain announcing their arrival. Neither of them moved as other passengers began to shift around them. Their eyes locked on each other, Sarah’s excitement growing.
“You are a deserving person, Beth. You’re worthy of the love that you want—the lovewewant. We’re all allowed to make mistakes as long as we’re learning and growing. I should know, I’ve made my fair share along the way and am trying to grow in my own ways.” Sarah stood, straightening her jacket, tucking a wisp of hair that had fallen from her bun back behind her ear. She held out her hand. Beth looked at her with wide eyes as Sarah continued. “If you want it, that chance is yours. But promise me we’re not going to fuck it up this time, okay?”
Beth looked at her, shock painted across her face before a smile so large it stretched from ear to ear replaced it. Slowly, she rose, taking Sarah’s hand in hers. “I promise.”
Sarah squeezed her hand three times, Beth’s sharp inhale conveying her understanding of what Sarah was saying without words.
They moved slowly towards the exit, folding themselves into the flow of other travelers milling about, waiting for the all-clear from the crew. When it came, they disembarked the vessel together, hand in hand, knowing that more conversations lay ahead. But for the first time in years, she and Beth were finally on the same page.
THIRTEEN
LILY
JANUARY
Lily sat cross-legged in a stiff armchair set back in a corner of the parents’ viewing area at PGTC. It was mid-afternoon—her favorite time of day to be in the gym. Most of the full-time gymnasts were either working on their homeschool assignments or taking a break for lunch. It was the peaceful time between intense morning training sessions and the afternoon chaos of entry-level gymnastics classes that Lily had started assisting Amanda with at the beginning of the new year.
She swept a stylus across the smooth surface of her tablet, making broad sweeping strokes at times, while at other moments she made short, erratic movements as she sketched out designs for more patchwork sweatshirts. Shannon had loved the one Lily had made her after the NWSL championship game. While she knew her mama was incredibly biased—she was still a talented artist with a discerning creative eye—Lily couldn’t help but feel proud that she had raved about the jacket Lily had made her for Christmas.
The clattering of the door to the viewing area drew her attention away from her tablet, where she had been shading a part of her sketch with a vibrant chartreuse. A flash of red haircaught her attention before Amanda plopped down in the chair in front of her, looking at her expectantly.
“Hi,” Lily said, tapping the button to power off her tablet and setting it on the table in front of her. “What’s up?”
“Oh, nothing.” Amanda’s voice was lofty. “Just wondering why you didn’t tell me you got cleared to return to sport!” She leaned forward, placing a hand on each of Lily’s shoulders, shaking her excitedly.
It was true. Lily had received the all-clear earlier that week after finally scheduling her psychological evaluation. She may or may not have deliberately dragged her feet in making the appointment, fearing what might happen if she didn’t pass.
That anxiety had kept her awake night after night, lingering even into the doctor’s office on the day of the evaluation. She thought getting the all-clear would alleviate the general sense of dread that had given her a perpetual stomachache, and while it did momentarily, the feeling had quickly returned.
“Oh yeah, that. Pretty cool, right?” Lily said, trying to match Amanda’s bouncy tone.
“Have you started your running protocol yet?”
“Yup, last week. It feels amazing to move like that again.” Lily was surprised at how effortless her words sounded, but that surprise was quickly followed by twisting guilt.
Amanda squinted like she knew there was more Lily wasn’t saying. It reminded her of what Jamie had once confided in her, that what made Amanda such a great best friend was her ability to listen without judgment. Lily gulped, considering whether to tell Amanda about her struggles with feeling excited about returning to gymnastics. The thought of stepping onto a mat again made her nauseated.
Lily knew she should talk about this with someone. She had tried to tell Wren about some of the thoughts that played in her mind at a volume she didn’t seem to have any control over,but that hadn’t gone so well. While Wren probably didn’t mean anything by it, Lily had noticed that when it came to feelings and complex emotions, if it wasn’t something positive, fun, or exciting, Wren seemed reluctant to engage, leaving Lily hurt and alone on more than one occasion.
“Is there something else, Lily?”
Lily blinked in surprise. She had been lost in her thoughts longer than she had intended. “Can I talk to you?” Her voice was small, lacking the false pep she had forced earlier. Amanda’s smile fell slightly, and Lily could see the concern in her eyes. “It’s not super serious or anything,” she added quickly. “I just—I need some advice. I usually would have asked Jamie, but obviously I can’t do that anymore,” she mumbled, attempting to make a joke that felt weird and tacky on her tongue.
“The only reason Jamie was ever able to give good advice is because I gave it to her first.” Amanda grinned, and Lily felt relieved that she wasn’t the only one who coped with a little bit of dark humor. “What’s up?” Amanda asked, leaning back in her chair and putting her legs out on the coffee table between them. Her relaxed nature instantly put Lily at ease, making her feel like maybe this wouldn’t be so hard.
“The thought of going back out there makes me want to vomit,” she admitted.There. It’s finally out. “Like, it gives me so much anxiety. I even have a hard time being in the gym to teach the afternoon lessons with you, which is weird because this is my favorite place in the world. I don’t know what to do and…”
Jamie had been right. Amanda was really good at listening. Once Lily began, the words came and kept coming in one continuous waterfall. Every thought, every feeling—good, bad, and ugly—came tumbling out. The last six months of pent-up frustration, annoyance, and worry. And slowly, with each word, a lightness replaced the weight she hadn’t realized she’d been carrying.
Amanda let Lily talk, gave her space to ramble through her own thoughts, and in return, asked thoughtful questions that gave Lily a lot to consider.
“Have you thought about retiring?”
