Chris, although it took him another ten minutes to remember to introduce himself by name, headed down to offer us a drink. Trace, thinking clearly, said plain tap water would be very much appreciated. A couple of minutes later, the living room door swung open. Edwin quickly snatched the glass from my hand. A woman — Mum — edged into the room. She clapped a hand over her mouth when she saw me, but it didn’t disguise her gasp.
“Oh my God. It really is you.” Her eyes — wow, so like mine, how come I’d not remembered this? — filled with tears. “You came to see me. I…I can’t quite believe it.”
“Sit down, love.” Chris pushed her gently into a chair opposite the sofa where we were perched like birds on a twig. “I’ll get you a glass of water too.” She shot him a grateful glance, then focused back on me, her eyes darting to the men who flanked me. “Did you think you’d need to bring backup? You weren’t scared to come here, were you?” Her bottom lip wobbled, but it didn’t seem artificial.
I cleared my throat. “No, not scared. These are my…” I could feel sweat breaking out on the back of my neck. “These are my boyfriends.” I gestured at them in turn. “Trey, and Edward.” The names we’d decided on in advance in case things went well and we were invited in.
To her credit, Mum’s eyes only bulged a bit. Chris, who obviously overheard as he stepped back into the room, looked a bit shocked, but covered it well with a cough and then a smile as he handed Mum a drink. He propped himself on the arm of her chair and slipped his hand onto her shoulder. She reached up to briefly cover it with one of her own, then leaned forward in her seat.
“Why did you come back, Jamie? I mean, why now? Not that I’m not thrilled to see you, love.”
Jamie.
All at once a flood of memories washed over me: Mum, laughing as she tickled me and I giggled, cautioning me to take care with the candles on a birthday cake — I must have been really small, reminding me with a serious face to keep my hat on for outdoor play because it was windy.“We don’t want you getting sick again, or nosy beggars seeing your ears, Jamie.”
Edwin, probably picking up on my emotions, squeezed my knee. “You okay?” he mouthed when I glanced his way.
“Fine,” I mumbled. To Mum, I said, “I wanted to know. Not what happened in the past, that’s gone and can’t be changed, but who you are now. If you regret giving me up. That sort of thing.”
Her expression twisted. I thought she was going to cry. For a moment she covered her face with one hand and breathed deeply. Then she faced me.
“I do regret not being there for you. Every day. But like you said, I can’t change the past.” She sighed. “I’d give you excuses, but I don’t suppose you want those.” A pause. “I was a bit of a rebel, but also rather naïve. I saw the best in people, then when they let me down, convinced myself it was due to not being good enough. So I drank, to give myself confidence. Sometimes I took pills if they were offered to me. Mostly I drank. Not enough to be falling down and sick everywhere, but too much.”
“I’m sensing there’s more to it,” I prompted.
She nodded. “I met a bloke. Rollo. Silly name, but he was ever so handsome. Long silky hair.” She eyed Trace. “Bit like yours, Trey, is it? Anyway, he was fun. Took me out in his car to the countryside. Once to the coast. Gosh, he was a terrible driver. Made picnics of the most ridiculous combinations of food, and made me laugh when he danced in the middle of nowhere to his music he always had with him. He had this old Walkman that you’d have thought was a precious antique the way he loved it. We danced like a pair of right weirdos in the woods. Told methey didn’t have a telly or a radio at his, so he’d not heard of half the stuff everyone else had, but he did love to dance.”
She gave a self-conscious scoff. “He always reminded me of the fairies in the picture books I borrowed from the library when I was a kiddie. Absolute nonsense, of course, but I dreamed he was my fairy prince and would one day take me away from it all. The shop I worked in, Mum and Dad’s old-fashioned views, my brother…”
“Did your family abuse you?” Edwin asked, his voice tight.
Mum blinked at him. “No, love, not as such. Bit on the fire-and-brimstone side for my liking, but no, they’re not bad people at all. They were strict with me, but that’s how they’d been brought up and they knew no different. Mark, that’s my brother, he’s okay too. Bit stuffy, but kind enough.”
“What went wrong?” I asked.
“I fell pregnant. I told Rollo. At first, he was very excited, but he didn’t want to get married or meet my family or anything. I knew Mum would freak out if I was unmarried and expecting, so I concocted a story about a flat share with a girl friend. Moved out into a two-room place with five others. Amazingly, I managed to get a job in a factory near the new place. Hoped Rollo would change his mind. He kept disappearing without notice, then popping up like nothing had happened. I accused him of cheating on me. We rowed. He stormed off. Then came back. Until I got sick of it and told him to sling his hook.” She dropped her head into her hands and Chris replaced his hand on her shoulder.
“I made him cry. I think perhaps he did love me, a bit at least, but he said he had to go away and couldn’t stay anyway. He gave me some money and begged me to give you a name with only five letters. It seemed important to him and I loved him. I was so mad at him, but I thought perhaps he might come back if I did what he asked.” She made a strange little sound like a strangledhiccough. Pushed her hair off her face and sat back up once more. “I named you James. But you were so tiny and so frail, James seemed too grown-up, so I called you Jamie.”
That explained my deluge of memories. “So what happened when you had me? Didn’t you tell your parents?” I couldn’t refer to people I’d never met as my grandparents.
“I did tell them. Wrote them a letter. Sent a photo of you.” Her smile faded. “They sent me back a letter saying they were praying for me. They sent me a blue bib for you and a tenner. I stopped bothering after that. Didn’t seem like they wanted an illegitimate grandchild. I got a little flat of my own off the social and made do on benefits until Laura at the factory said she’d heard I could have my job back if I found a childminder.”
“Were you able to work then?” I don’t know how Trace did it, but he sounded genuinely caring. My mind was reeling.My dad sounds like a Fae. A Fae who wasn’t able to stay this side of the Glimmer.
Mum shrugged. “I never found anyone reliable. You always had a soaked nappy or were grizzling when I picked you up. I kept getting shifts and had to cancel because the childminders would only work daytimes. You got so many ear infections. I lost the job. It was easier to stay home and look after you myself.”
“Except you didn’t, did you? Not really.” I was trying not to be harsh, but she’d been a pretty crap mum if they’d taken me into care. Hadn’t she?
Her breath hitched. “I tried, love. I really tried. But it’s bloody hard when you’re on your own and you don’t have much. Keeping work when your baby is sick a lot is almost impossible and bless you, you were always unwell as a baby. You got a lot better when I stopped listening to the flipping health visitor and told her to do one. Always trying to get me to force meat into you. You never did take to it.” She cocked her head to one side.“You look proper healthy. I bet you’re still a vegetarian, aren’t you?”
“I am. The mere thought of meat makes me feel ill.” I realised Mum had stood up for me that way. Maybe I’d misjudged her a bit. A thought occurred to me. “Did you eat meat while you were pregnant?”
“Well yes, of course. Why wouldn’t—Ohh!”Her eyes went very wide. “D’you think that’s why you were sickly from the start? No, that doesn’t make sense. Babies don’t know about food in the womb. Do they?”
I could feel Trace beside me almost vibrating with the effort of not speaking. Shit, I had to say something. Edwin, bless him, came to my rescue.
“Perhaps James is allergic to something in meat. I’m vegetarian myself, as is Trey. We always have been, with vegetarian parents, so I can’t be sure, but I doubt anyone would have considered testing for that sort of thing. Please don’t blame yourself for something you didn’t know.” He copied her earlier head tilt, his tone comforting.
