“I was — wrong,” she gritted out, still holding Kalfr’s eyes. “I broke my vows to you. I hurt you, and I… I hurt Svein, too. He’s wanted a father so much, all this time. And I put him at risk, brought him genuine harm, because —”
Gods, she couldn’t say it, couldn’t bear to look at Kalfr for another breath, and she swallowed hard, blinked toward the floor. “Because I was afraid,” she continued, quiet. “I was soterrified, with the war. I thought you would steal Svein away from me. I thought he would be drawn into the war, or hurt, orkilled. I thought I would lose him to Orc Mountain forever. I thought —”
Her voice broke, because yes, she’d thought all that — but then the war had ended. And even then, she hadn’t been willing to hear Kalfr’s pleas, or read his letters, or reconsider her position. Even after he’d shown her, year after year, that he hadn’t meant to hurt Svein. That he’d wanted to help Svein, to be part of his life.
So all that time, how much of Raye’s anger had truly been about… Gaelfr? About her own hurt? Her own jealousy? Her ownrevenge?
“I was… stubborn,” she finally whispered, with a slow sigh. “And selfish, and greedy, and…jealous. I have… so many regrets. I’m — so sorry.”
It sounded so paltry, so pathetic, beneath the ever-growing weight of what she’d done. In her fear and jealousy and hurt, she’d broken apart her own family. She’d harmed and endangered her innocent son. She’d kept him from a father who would clearly have nurtured him, and cared for him, and treated him with warmth and kindness.
She’d… failed.
“I realize it’s no help now,” she added, toward the floor. “And that you’ll likely never forgive me. But… if it wasn’t already clear, Kalfr, you’re free of any vows you made toward me, especially that one you made about Gaelfr. And if there’s ever anything —anything— I could do for you, to try to make it up to you… I will. Iwill.”
The silence hovered after her words, thick and overpowering, and Raye forced her wet eyes back up, to where Kalfr and Gaelfr were now both standing, and staring at her. Gaelfr with approvalin his eyes, but Kalfr’s eyes were now narrow, intent, glinting with… with…
“I swear to you, Kalfr,” Raye whispered, pleading. “I promise you, before your goddess. I’ll do — whatever it takes.”
And gods curse her, crush her, because what was she saying? What was she promising? She didn’t need to go this far, to offer this much. Kalfr had still hurt her too, he’d kept secrets from her, he’d betrayed her with Gaelfr in her front garden…
But again — she needed this. She needed them, for Svein. She needed to do everything within her power to protect Svein, and keep him safe.
And maybe Kalfr saw that. Maybe he knew that. Maybe that was why his eyes kept glinting like that, harder and colder, and his lip curled with something much like contempt.
“There is no need, Raye,” he finally replied, his voice clipped and low. “No need for your promises, or your apologies. For there is naught you could ever,everdo, to atone for all you have done.”
Oh. It struck Raye like a blow, like a slap across the face, and she couldn’t hide her flinch, her arms instinctively covering her chest.Naught you could ever, ever do. And she deserved that, she did, and where did that leave her now? What would she do next? And why were her eyes so painfully stinging, her lip dangerously wobbling, and she couldn’t bear to weep in front of them, she couldn’t…
I should never have dreamt he could find worse than you.
“I… I know,” she replied, wavering, toward Kalfr’s booted feet. “I… understand. I’ll… stay well out of your way, then, until we leave.”
There was no answer from Kalfr, no kindness, no acknowledgement, and in the silence, something new quivered through Raye’s body. Something cold, and slimy, and sickeningenough to churn bile into her throat. He hated her. He hated her. Nothing she could do.
“I’ll just… go keep an eye on Svein, then,” she said, with an audible gulp. “You two go on, and… enjoy yourselves.”
And before Kalfr could say anything else, make it any worse, Raye stumbled around, and fled.
22
For the rest of the afternoon, Raye felt faint and listless, with that sickly unease churning in her gut.
After her ill-fated apology to Kalfr, she’d snatched the lamp and rushed in to hide with Svein, who’d still been peacefully sleeping on Kalfr’s bed. And though she’d braced herself to hear Kalfr and Gaelfr leaving together — or worse, to hear distinctive gasps and moans filtering through the door — there had only been silence. Silence that had grown thicker with every breath, dark with misery and guilt.
She’d failed. She’dfailed.
She couldn’t have said how long she stayed there, sitting on the edge of the bed beside Svein, staring at her folded hands in the lamplight. But at some point, Gaelfr’s bulky body materialized before her, frowning down at her with something not unlike concern.
“Ach, there is no need to scent thus, woman,” he said, his voice gruff. “You did well, to speak as you did. This has meant much to Kalfr, I ken.”
Raye blinked blearily up toward his face, and shook her head. “He hates me,” she countered, tight in her throat. “He’ll never forgive me. There’snaught I can ever, ever do.”
Gaelfr betrayed a wince, surely recognizing Kalfr’s words in her voice. “He is only hurt and angry, also,” he replied. “And I ken I… I misjudged this, with him, ach? This is… not right. There is more to this he is not yet speaking of. More we must learn.”
Raye could only keep blinking toward him, and he squared his shoulders, let out a heavy sigh. “We must take more care with him,” he continued. “We must treat him with patience and kindness, and seek to draw out his trust, and his truth. We must do all within our power to uphold him, andhelphim.”
But even the thought curdled more aching misery in Raye’s gut. Kalfr hadn’t wanted her help, had he?There is no need. Naught you could ever, ever do.
