“I wouldn’t trust men either.”
“That’s not how I see it. It would mean they’ve won.” Elloven chewed the inside of her mouth as she studied the same stained glass he’d been musing over when he’d arrived. “But what if I can’t ever know the difference between pain and pleasure? Seven men have hurt me, and all seven left me different. One of them believes everything he’s done was an act of love, and I do feel that love, even if it’s not good for me, even if I don’t want it anywhere near me, and it’s horribly confusing. If I can’t trust myself to know a good heart from a bad one, then I can’t trust myself.”
Her desolation prompted a dark fantasy of running his broadsword through her tormentors and presenting to her their hearts in a sack. “I’m sorry. I wish I could say I’d never hurt you, but I think I already have.”
“Anyone who makes such a promise makes themselves a liar in the same breath.”
“You’re safe here anyway. It’s not real.”
“Feels real.” An echo of her earlier words. “I gave you my reason. What’s yours?”
Jesstin was relieved even before the words were out. “Intimacy isn’t on my itinerary.” Sesto knew about his code, and Gennady had as well, but he’d never actually sat down and discussed it with them. With anyone. He wasn’t sure why he suddenly wanted to with her.
“Lies are forbidden here, but half-truths are fine?”
“Not a half-truth, just a deeper one. The whole truth is I’ve never been with a woman before,” Jesstin said. He traced both hands down the smooth wood, steadying himself. “And... I never will.”
Elloven’s incredulous laugh never quite formed. “You must be telling the truth, but help me understand. You own a vice tavern. You’re regularly seen publicly with women hanging from you and your... parts.”
“With my cock in their mouths, yes.”
She flinched, but it seemed a conditioned response rather than genuine shock. “I’m no less confused, Jesstin.”
“Everything but fucking,” he said, clarifying with a lazy shrug.
Now she did laugh. “There are ways to prevent children.”
“The last thing I want is to pass my demons off to a child, but no. It’s more of a personal code of principles.”
“How so?”
A twitch of discomfort set in, but she asked, so he had to answer. “Because even the thought of it reminds me of Sestinn and Castien and men like...” He almost said Gennady and was terribly relieved he had a truthful alternative. “Your dead husband.”
Elloven just watched him with a gentle, inconsistent nod.
“Nothing to say?” he asked.
“I’m not sure what to say. It sounds like you’re punishing yourself for what others do, which doesn’t really solve anything.”
“It’s not a punishment,” he replied. “It’s an aversion.”
She pulled her mouth to one side. “But you do have urges? You must if you’re able to... do what you do, night after night.”
Having one right now. “All the time.”
“You never indulge them?”
“Never. Not like that.”
“Not even in here?”
His fingers stopped moving. Her question had frozen him solid. “What are you asking me?”
“You know,” she said with a nervous chuckle, “I’m not entirely sure myself.”
Jesstin’s mouth spread in a measured grin. “Are you propositioning me, Dream Elloven?”
“I’m...” She trailed off, blushing. “No. No, no, no. I’ve just never had anyone I could be this open with. It’s like being shown what my life might have been like if I’d had the freedom of thought and choice and words.”
