“If you don’t want to tell me why you’re here, that’s fine.” He seemed uncomfortable in the silence, heavy with expectation. “But it’s fucking cold, and you should be inside.”
“I’m fine. Out here.” She breathed deep and said the words. “When we last spoke... in Rivenholde... I told you my mother had warned me about you.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Now we know why.”
“The warning was only half of her message. She also... She also told me there was an explanation for your betrayal, and I needed to trust you. When I saw her earlier, she helped me see it from another perspective, and I don’t want to ramble—I won’t ramble—so I’ll say what I came to say. Jess, I forgive you. I forgive you for what you did to Gennady, and there’s no one else left to offer it to you. So if I forgive you, then there’s no more reason to punish yourself.”
Jesstin stared at her, then at his lap. “You’re wiser than this, Elloven. You’re choosing to believe the best parts and ignoring the worst.”
“I am not?—”
“There is no excuse for what I did!” he cried. “If I had waited even a single fucking second, listened for even a single fucking second, he’d still be here!”
“We make impulsive decisions every day, and we’re fortunate most come with little to no consequence. It’s a gamble of luck that yours didn’t that day.” She nudged his shoulder to get him to sit and face her. His eyes were shot with red and were glistening, but they were the same eyes she’d fallen in love with, belonging to the same man she loved still. “If you were a cold-blooded murderer, you wouldn’t have spent the years since continuing my brother’s work.”
“I won’t let you do this.”
“Jesstin...”
“Penance doesn’t exonerate a man.”
Elloven took a moment to collect her thoughts. “Why did you kill Castien?”
“If I didn’t, you would.” He shrugged. “I didn’t want to add to your nightmares.”
“So now the nightmare is yours to carry?”
“I can manage.”
“Can you? Gennady didn’t tell you what he was up to because he didn’t want you to have even more of their corruptions in your heart. Do you not see the parallels here? The irony?”
“Sesto really needs to stop running his fucking mouth.” Jesstin pushed a sharp, muted grunt through his teeth. “And you need... You need to be far rid of me. Why are you doing this? Why would you come here and say these things to me?”
“If I can forgive you, can you not forgive yourself?” Elloven asked, pleading. “Will hating yourself make any of it better? Is that the strongest thing you ever want to feel, for the rest of your life?”
Jesstin threw up his hands. He sealed his mouth tight before answering. “I’d prefer to feel nothing at all.”
“Jess, look at me.”
“I can’t.” His head shook.
“Look at me.”
“Why?”
“Please, Elloven.”
“Why?”
His face crumpled in grief. “Because then you’ll see me.”
“I’ve always seen you, Jesstin.” Elloven’s voice choked. “When you see me...” She hadn’t cried since her mother had died in her arms, and she wouldn’t cry then. But if she was pouring her heart into her words, some part of her grief would come as well. “What do you feel when you’re with me? Not before. What do you feel now?”
Jesstin pitched over his knees, shaking his head.
“Is it love? If you tell me it wasn’t ever love, if you say it was all just part of your guilt over Gen, I’ll know you’re lying, but I’ll allow the lie and I won’t challenge it. Because I can see how much you loathe yourself, and if that is truly greater than anything else, if it eclipses all the joy and love in you, then who am I to take it from you?”
His back shook as he cried. It took all her will not to offer comfort, not to hold him in her arms where he belonged, but it was his decision whether to continue to embrace his delusion or his truth.
