‘Having me and a baby live with you will upend your life and you will grow to resent me and the baby and I couldn’t bear that. If you want to be involved in our baby’s life you can be, as much or as little as you want.’
‘Of course I want to be involved, this is my son, or daughter. I’d want to see them every day. I’d want to be there for every little milestone: their first words, their first steps, their first smile. That’s why living together makes sense so I’m there for all of that. I want my baby to know I love them and that I’ll be there for them no matter what.’
‘We live opposite each other, you can see or take the baby whenever you want. We can work out a schedule or be as flexible as you wish to suit you. It doesn’t need to be weird between us, we can be friends who raise a baby together while living separately.’
‘Friends.’
‘Yes of course. I want you to be a part of our baby’s life, you are a wonderful father to Etta and I know you will love our baby too, but we don’t need to get married for that to happen.’
He shook his head. ‘It’s not right.’
‘Says who? Society? Family and friends? We can make this work in any waywewant it to. As long as our baby has two parents that love him, or her, that’s all thatmatters. It doesn’t need to be conventional. Getting married just because I’m pregnant is silly.’
He sighed. ‘We can talk about this later.’
‘There’s nothing to talk about, I will not live in a loveless marriage.’
She took a step away from him so he could no longer touch her. That had been a mistake anyway, it had been far too intimate for where they were in their relationship.
‘But if we live together I can be there to help you,’ Xander said. ‘I can do the night feeds, nappy changes, bath times, or just help when you’re too tired to do anything. When you’re heavily pregnant I can give you foot rubs or shoulder massages. I can run out at two in the morning to get you a jar of pickled gherkins. Whatever you need, I can take care of you.’
She stared at him, a huge lump in her throat. She hadn’t been expecting that. But then she shook her head. ‘As lovely as that sounds, you never wanted that life with me or with anyone. I would cringe every time you did anything for me, knowing there was a part of you that hated doing it. I couldn’t live with feeling like a burden to you.’
He frowned. ‘I wouldn’t hate looking after my own baby. We’d be a team. Raising a baby is hard work. Trust me, I know. I did most of it when Etta was born as Brook didn’t want to. I was working all day and then coming back and taking care of the baby and doing all the housework. And I never once resented it. I love Ettawith all my heart and it’s an honour to take care of the ones you love.’
‘But you don’t love me.’
‘I could very easily fall in love with you. You are—’
‘No, don’t say things like that. Because every time you’re kind to me, every time you look at me like you’re looking at me now, my heart starts to hope, it starts to dream. And then, when you walk away, I’m the one that has to pick up the pieces of my heart and try to fix it, to make myself stronger, more resilient.’
He moved towards her but she took another step back. ‘No, we’re not talking about that. We’re not talking about this perfect rose-tinted life where you rub my feet and go out to get me pistachio ice cream whenever I want. We can talk about the baby and how we will co-parent, but we’re not talking about… us.’
They stared at each other and silence hung in the air between them.
‘How long have you known?’ Xander eventually asked.
‘Since this morning.’ She checked her watch. ‘Yesterday morning now, I guess, as it is one o’clock.’
He groaned. ‘That’s why you came to see me?’
‘Yes, but you were too busy to talk to me.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘It’s OK. I wasn’t expecting for you to drop everything for me. I thought you might pop by after work though, but I’m getting used to you avoiding me like I have the plague.’
He was silent for a while. ‘I thought it might be better if I didn’t.’
She sighed. ‘Why, were you afraid I might try to seduce you?’
‘I was more afraid it would be the other way round. I can’t think straight when I’m around you. Every time I’m with you I want to make love to you.’
‘I never had a problem with the sex, that part was always incredible. I have a problem with how you treat me afterwards.’
‘What do you mean, how I treat you after?’
She stared at him, incredulously. ‘How can you be so blind? We have sex, you worship my body like a goddess and then you completely go cold with me immediately after, you barely even talk to me. How can you think that I’m OK with that?’
