But Tanner doesn’t miss a beat. He bends to Nelson, ruffles his hair and sets the big bear on the ground next to him. “I wish, buddy. I wish.”
I know I should probably wade in, set Nelson straight, saysomething. But a lump forms in my throat and I’m left digging my teeth into my lip as realization hits me. I wish it were true, too.
“Happy birthday, big man,” Tanner says, not looking anywhere other than my son as he gets acquainted with his new gift.
A hand meets my back, tenderly. If I turn to see who’s trying to comfort me, I’ll cry. So I watch my son play with the man I am absolutely head over boots for, thinking there’s a very significant part of me that hopes Auston won’t turn up today, while simultaneously hating myself for even having that thought.
43
PACE – LATE NOVEMBER
Da-da
The weather is glorious – sun beaming, sky blue. Drinks are flowing around the table.
Country music plays in the background but not so loud that Bear’s occasional attention-seeking barks andI-want-meatgruffs can’t be heard.
Annie has told me off more than once for feeding my furry friend under the table.
More incredible than any of that, Nelson called me Da-da. I swear it opened up parts of me that I never knew existed. In a split second, I saw it all, a house on the ranch, Annie, Nelson, me and maybe another sprog or two. Chickens shitting everywhere, a small holding of longhorns mooing and horses for my girl to ride on the land.
I want it. I want it more than I’ve wanted anything before in my life. I could trade every shiny ring and silverware for these guys.
And I guess it’s obvious to more than just me and my sister now because I’m helping Sas carry dirty plates from the table set up on the lawn into the kitchen when she asks, “Can we talk for a second, Pace?”
“Always,” I tell her, turning to lean against the countertop. She mirrors me.
“I’m not going to ask you how you feel about Annie because I don’t want the answer to put me in a position.”
Every muscle in my body stiffens.
“But I’m going to say this. You’re one of Colton’s best friends and he respects you, in the same way I know you respect him. The Quinns have been through a lot in the past year and Colton’s doing well now.”
“He’s good people, they all are.”
“So if there’s more to you and Annie than friendship, promise me you’ll do the right thing by him? Don’t go behind his back with this, okay? He deserves better than that.”
Fuck.Do I tell her that I’m in love with Quinn’s sister? Do I tell her I’ve drawn a line around sex with Annie but that Iwantit? Or do I simply… “Promise.”
“Thank you. And for what it’s worth, if you really care about her, Colton might have reservations but I don’t think he’dhatethe idea of you two. Not after everything you’ve done for Annie.”
I swallow hard. “He put the last guy in the ER.”
She chuckles. “You’re not Auston.”
“Damn straight.”
Speak of the actual devil…
I doubt any of us, even Annie, had faith that Auston would show today but there’s an unmistakable roar of a sports car churning gravel on the driveway to the house.
Sas and I glance out the window, where the postures of Sonny, Colton, Darcy, even Betty, confirm we all know who it is.
Last time I was in the same place as Auston, I was squaring up to him on the sidelines. And my instinct as I step onto the porch and see him getting out of his fancy fucking car, dressed to the nines, hair styled, big fucking birthday gift in his arms, is to fight, again.
I hate this guy. For everything he’s done and keeps doing to Annie and Nelson, I loathe him. But I can admit that the way my entire torso feels like it’s being wrung out isn’t only because I despise him, it’s because I’m jealous that Nelson is his and terrified that he might somehow worm his way back to Annie.
I’m not okay,I think as I watch Annie jump up from a lounger by the pool, rushing to find something to cover over her swimwear.
