“That came out wrong,” he promptly apologizes to her, dipping his head, respectfully contrite. “I should have phrased it as ‘I need your help and acknowledge that your time is valuable. It’s -” growling in annoyance, he gestures at me like that should sum everything up. “She's having girl feelings. I need you to fix them and make her stop it.”
Emmy snorts, amusement dancing in her golden gaze, and her energy is contagious. Choosing to see how much fun she can wring out of him, she plays dumb. “What do you mean?”
A scowl twists his face like this much conversation physically pains him before Hunter awkwardly rubs the back of his neck. “That thing girls do when they're upset and get together to talk shit and dye their hair, but don't actually deal with the problem, yet aren't sad anymore. Do that."
I can't help but smile, bringing a hand up to hold back my amusement. “Yeah, Em. Slip into your nighty, grab a pillow, and beat me while telling me that I’m pretty. You know, girl things.”
She breaks before I do, laughing and crossing the room to rummage through her closet. Thane, her massive, blonde beta, shakes his head and reaches for a discarded shirt on the floor to tug on. “I'll go raid the wine cellar.”
Raiden follows him out of the room with a sigh as he buttons his jeans and I step aside to let them pass. “I'll hit a bakery. Back as soon as I can.”
Hunter’s confusion only makes Raiden’s dramatic, put-out sigh intensify. Clapping his shoulder on the way out, he shakes his head. “You'll learn, man, give it time. Snacks and booze are the chick version of punching a hole in the wall.”
“Hitting something is easier,” Hunter mumbles and I actually get a stitch in my side from how hard it makes me laugh, so overtired I’m reaching slap-happy territory.
“So is pushing someone down the stairs, but it usually results in more problems. Feels good for a few minutes though, so I don’t blame guys for only thinking about the instant gratification.”
He shoots me a strange look that I can’t decipher. “If you don’t want to feel better, whatdoyou want?”
With a wry smile, I shake my head, not trusting myself to answer while feeling so raw. “Ask me again in a week or two.”
***
Thirty minutes laterI'm in a borrowed bikini in a hot tub with Emmy and Lizzie behind the latter’s cabin on the far reaches of the Hawthorne property. It’s strangely... nice. Emmy was my first actual girlfriend, so I never realized how much I was missing out on until now. No stress, no overanalyzing my actions; simply talking shit and laughing uproariously over nothing as we pretend that the rest of the world doesn’t exist for a little while.
While I stand by my first choice being my therapist when I can afford her, there’s something to be said about wine and good company coming close as a solid substitute.
Lizzie groans. “You’re telling me, Ems. Ever since your brothers started shifting, my mates have had me on lock down. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am that you two came to visit. I’m about two seconds away from going to visit my parents so I can at least look at adifferentset of walls.”
Grimacing, I take another swig straight out of my bottle, since we’ve long forsaken bothering with glasses. “It’s not like they’re monsters,” I defend, annoyed at everyone harping on that fact. “Still wolves, just with... blurry fur and more of a temper. And a little bigger. Pretend that they’re hungry wolves with thorns in their paws and you’ll be able to anticipate their temperament, how to deal with them, so it’s really not that big of a deal.” She and Emmy exchange a quick glance and I thump my head back on the edge of the hot tub a few times. “What now?”
Gently, my best friend explains, “An alpha should be seen as a source of safety. Strength. The pack can look at him andknowthat he’ll find a way to take care of them. But now, with Slade being barely a step above feral, only listening to you,” she trails off with a grimace, but when the silence stretches on too long, blurts, “It doesn’t feel like a pack anymore, Sabrina. It feels like everything’s splintering apart and we’re all seeking out somewhere to weather the storm. It’s unsettling, and putting all of us on edge. I love my brother, and I know he would do any and everything to keep us safe...”
Draining the rest of my bottle, I lean out of the tub to reach for another off of the table beside us without looking at her and crank up the music we’re using to keep the guys from eavesdropping. “But?”
Cringing, she takes another drink to bolster her nerves. “But we can’t keep going like we’ve been. It’s like someone pushed pause and we’re all waiting for shit to get figured out so that we can go back to normal, but the longer time stretches without any changes, the more it becomes clear that there’s no normal to go back to. We’re all walking on eggshells, simply waiting for the next strike to come, and quite frankly, it’s exhausting. We’re not made to live in a constant state of duress; us women, at least.”
I can feel the walls around my heart harden with every word out of her mouth, mentally preparing myself for the blows that are coming. Best and worst parts of girls’ night; we rip off all of the ugly scabs, force everything into the light, and figure out how to deal with it. Thereareno good solutions, though, and we all are aware of that ominous fact. Hell, most of what has us upset are intangible concepts thatcan’tactually be fixed, yet still need to be processed before they can emotionally decimate us. So I really shouldn’t be surprised that after eight pounds of sugar from all of the junk Raiden brought back and a few bottles of wine, we’re finally delving into the heart of matters.
I’m not the only one stressed the hell out, they are too. We all have things that we need to get off our chests, and all I can do is send up a mental prayer that whatever comes out of my mouth doesn’t destroy the family the guys have spent so many years killing themselves to keep together.
“So, the problem is you don’t feel safe with Slade anymore?”
They both press their lips into a flat line and look away. Nodding to myself, I try to figure out the right thing to say before I just... stop. I quit over-analyzing and over-thinking, instead going for whatever the heck I want to say, since it’s all blowing up in our faces one way or another.
“Then I suppose it’s a good thing Slade isn’t the only alpha anymore. Think logically for a moment. We’re about to piss off several of the surrounding packs before we make our indefinite trip out of town; did you really think we’d leave the two of you and your mates here to deal with the fallout? You already have three flights booked, each. That way they won’t know which you’ll be taking if they decide to look. And in all actuality, it’ll be none of them. You’ll be heading off for an extended vacation in Alaska; part of the trip by train, the last leg by boat, and you’ll pick up rental cars under fake names.”
As they gawk at me, I shrug. “I wasn’t about to risk you guys being used in a retaliation scheme. So we’ll scope out the lay of the land that Damian’s pitching, get a feel for not only his pack, but also the surrounding ones to see if it’s a better fit than here, and if we should consider moving out there permanently. Technically, I married into that one, too, so there’s no reason Pack Hawthorne couldn’t merge with-” I trail off with some creative expletives, both of the girls snickering when they realize that I’m the worst mate in existence. “With Pack Damian Somethingorother.”
Emmy and Lizzie have a silent conversation with their eyes the way only people that have spent an abundance of time together can. I don’t intrude, stealing another cupcake and reveling in my sugar overload. Hunter was right; I’m crashing for more than a day when I come down from my manic high. Until then, though, I’m going to enjoy every sweet, sweet minute of imaginary normal that I can get my hands on.
“You know,” Lizzie starts, picking her words carefully. “An alpha isn't the strongest physically, it’s mentally. They’re supposed to take care of their pack, make the hard choices. They sacrifice a piece of themselves for the sake of the whole. Their entire identity revolves around other people until it threatens to overtake everything else, including themselves.”
Emmy picks up where she left off. “And theyneedthat pack, because while they know how to take care of others, they don't know how to take care of themselves; not really.” She pauses, letting her words sink in. “They need a pack maybe even more than us weaker wolves rely on the safety it offers because without one, an alpha has nothing worth protecting or living for. That’s why the larger ones thrive while the lone wolves ultimately go feral; there’s safety in numbers, but not always in the obvious way.”
Sipping my wine, I wait for them to get to whatever point they’re trying to make, all the while filing away their declarations, because they aren’t wrong. I’ve never felt more alive than I have since meeting them, building a family that thrives more when they lean on each other than when they branch off on their own downward spirals.
Mom always preached that relying on anyone was a weakness, that the second they disappeared, you’d be left floundering. Sheknowshow packs operate,and that hurts more than anything, because it means she also knew that she was hurting me. Neglect is one thing, intentional torture another entirely.
