A sudden surge of panic has my feet moving down the hall without conscious thought, driven by paranoia. Yanking open my medicine cabinet, I pull out everything from allergy pills to painkillers; anything in a tiny bottle. Filling my shirt like a kangaroo pouch, I head to my bedroom, dumping them across the mattress.
Rooting around in my disorganized closet, I finally locate my sewing box, withdrawing a spool of thread. Leaving a good stretch at the end, I start looping it around the neck of each of the bottles, tying it off before moving on to the next. By the time I’m done, I have a twisted version of string lights, a makeshift alarm system.
Returning to the front door, I tie one end around the handle, and the other on the coat hooks fastened to the wall beside the hinges. If anyone were to open it, there’d be no resistance, but they also wouldn’t be able to grab it before it made any noise.
Then what would you do? Slade caught your fist like it was nothing. You don’t stand a chance against anyone that tries to hurt you.
“I’m not fucking helpless.” While it’s useless to argue with myself, it helps combat the loneliness and keep the deprecating thoughts in check. “I may not be the best in a fight, but if there’s one thing I know how to do, it’s suck it up and deal with it. How many twelve year olds can spend a week dumped on the side of a mountain and not only stay alive with a fractured wrist and twisted ankle, but find their way home?”
Returning to the bathroom, I flip the shower on to start heating up, shedding my clothes. “I don’t have to be able to fight a bear, I know how to endure, and that’s ten times more impressive. Even the strongest person can get shanked in the kidney and drop, all of their muscles suddenly useless. There’s more than one path up the mountain, and I know how to find the best route with the least amount of issues.”
Climbing into the shower, I scrub days worth of grime from my hair and body, breathing easier as the heat batters my muscles into submission. Without work to distract me, though, I’m forced to face everything that I’ve been hiding from for the past week and a half.
If they wanted to, they could have dragged me back to their house, and I couldn’t have stopped them.
“But they didn’t.” Vigorously assaulting my scalp, I work the shampoo into a lather. “And that’s basic human decency, nothing worth praising. Not getting kidnapped isn’t the fucking baseline.”
Rinsing my hair, I grab the conditioner, giving it time to soak in while staring at the blank wall, trying to feel anything other than hopelessly lost. “Even though it’s got to be miserable, one of them is sitting there day after day out in the summer heat, just to make sure that I can have some space where I’m comfortable rather than insist I hole up in their place where it’s more convenient, and probably safer. They make sure that I’m eating, well aware that I’d get so caught up in trying to block everything out, I wouldn’t take the time to cook, simply grabbing whatever was on hand and effortless.”
Rinsing off completely, I stand under the blistering hot spray, the heat comforting me in a way nothing else has been able to, sinking deep into my bones. “Or maybe it makes them feel good, connecting the only way they’re able to when I’m refusing to talk to them. I swear I’m not being petulant, I needed time to process without breaking down sobbing and making a reckless decision like trying to run, assuming none of this would catch up to me. I’m not stupid or in denial, I’m just... sad. Really sad, and I don’t see a way out of this one.”
Tears leak from the corner of my eyes. “And I’m not sure if the only people that actually have ever wanted me around honestly have an interest inme,or if their inner wolves recognized mine and pushed them towards me. I might be nothing more than a potential answer to their problem.” Tears steadily flow down my cheeks, mingling with the spray of water. “No, because I clearly haven’t done the one thing I’m supposedly meant to do and helped Cinjin or Boden. I made things worse and more complicated, not solved a damn thing.”
The water batters against my body until it becomes beet red, yet I don’t flinch. The molten heat is the only thing combating the chill that wants to take over, and I don’t want to crawl into bed only to cry myself to sleep, or lose myself wallowing over the injustice of it all. I wantsolutions.That’s the very thing that I’m supposed to be, a solution, but I’m just... not.
Yet they’ve still stuck around, even though I’m not the answer that they didn’t know they were searching for. Back when they thought I was human, they still wanted to date me. When they discovered I was more, they told me rather than try to hide it, laid all of their cards out on the table for judgment. And when I ran, they came with me; not to try and stop me, but to watch over me while I fell apart.
“Am I more upset that Bo and Cinjin haven’t texted me, or that I wish they would have?”
I dismiss the thought immediately.That’s not fair. You’re putting them in an impossible position that they can’t hope to win. Damned if they do, and damned if they don’t. And aren’t we all damned enough as it is?
“I’m mad because I didn’t get a choice,” I finally decide, announcing the declaration to the bleached tile. “To be fair, though, they didn’t either. I doubt this is how either of them hoped to get married, and just because I’m suffering, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t, too. They’re simply choosing to look at this mess as a blessing instead of a lifelong sentence, and I’m not making anything easier on any of us, including myself.”
Are you sure? Maybe they aren’t happy, but have accepted that they don’t have a choice in the matter, so may as well make the best of it.
Flipping off the shower, I hit the drain plug and let the bath fill, sinking to the ground to wrap my arms around my knees, suddenly too emotionally drained to stand. As the water rises around me, I tilt my head up to the ceiling, tears streaming in earnest, though they’re more cathartic than upsetting; like finally taking a deep breath after being underwater for too long.
“It’s not that bad. There are plenty of worse fates than a few hot guys thinking that you’re amazing. I liked them before this happened, so this simply speeds things along. Iwantedto skip past the awkward ‘get to know you’ stage, I just didn’t expect it to go into hyper-drive like this.”
I didn’t want it, I didn’t want it, I didn’t want it.
When has life ever given a shit about what I wanted? What any of us want? It does what it wants without regard for our feelings or preferences, and all we can do is make the best of the hand we’re dealt.
Is it really so bad to have people want you?
“It is if they want me because of my lineage and not because of me. How is that different from spending a few grand to breed a purebred dog?”
Because they liked you before they knew, and they haven’t said a word about this being about replenishing the numbers of their dying pack. This is simply about releasing the wolf in their chest so that they don’t feel so at odds with themselves.
“But I can’t.” A sob rattles my chest. “I can’t help anyone. I break things, not fix them.”
So I have to slam my shoulder into the crack in the cage for a while in order to break it open. So what? They’re just... pinatas, but instead of candy, I get puppies. That’s not so bad. Kick the cage a few times, throw some shit. When have I ever given up before simply because something was hard?
“I’m tired of fighting for everything,” I whisper. “Why can’t things just be easy for once?”
They’re fighting foryoueven though you’re being difficult.
“I’m not being difficult. I’m justifiably upset like any sane person in my position would be.”
