I open my mouth, but nothing comes out right away.
That should probably tell me something.
“I’m good at it,” I say eventually.
“Cool, cool. But do you want to stay in HR? I’m good at cooking, but I love our chef.” Charisse raises her eyebrows.
Porsche nods. “You’re good at a lot of stuff. You could probably be good at crime if you focused.”
“Porsche.”
“I’m just saying. Being good at something doesn’t mean it deserves your whole life.”
Damn, I hate how much I feel that.
I pull the pillow closer to my chest. “I don’t know what I want. I mean, I know I want Lit with Lily to grow. I know I want more time to paint and teach classes and create things. But I don’t know if I’m ready to walk away from stability. Benefits. A steady paycheck. Being a responsible adult.”
Charisse nods. “That makes sense.”
“I’m not saying quit tomorrow,” Porsche adds. “I’m saying maybe stop acting like this promotion is a gift just because somebody wrapped and thrust it into your hands.”
I look between them on the screen.
Charisse’s voice softens. “Maybe you don’t have to decide everything right now. But you can start thinking about what a pivot would look like.”
“A pivot,” I repeat.
“Not a dramatic leap,” she says. “Just a plan.”
Porsche points at her. “You do need a plan with numbers and a timeline. Figure out what you’d need to make Lit with Lily your main thing. How many events. How much profit. What kind of help you need.”
Help?
“I don’t even know what kind of help I need,” I admit.
“Then start there,” Charisse says. “Write down everything that drains you.”
Porsche nods. “And everything that would make it easier.”
I look over at my desk, where my work laptop is still closed. My Lit with Lily notebook sits beside it, full of ideas I keep squeezing into the margins of my life.
“I can do that,” I say.
“Good,” Porsche says. “And for the record, I’m still happy about Javonte. I just want you to be happy about you too.”
My throat tightens a little, and I look away before either of them notices.
“I love y’all.”
“We love you too,” Charisse says.
“Obviously,” Porsche adds.
I laugh, and we hang up a few minutes later.
For a while, I sit in the quiet with my phone in my lap, thinking about what Charisse said about a pivot.
Maybe that’s all this is. Not quitting tomorrow or blowing up my life, just letting myself ask the question I’ve been avoiding because I’m scared of the answer.
