“I can’t.”
44
Iknow I shouldn’t have married Ethan. I know I should have left way before a wedding came along. In my head, though, I had myself convinced that if I worked really hard and stuck it out, it would be okay. That we would have our little family, and things would be fine or at least fine enough. He could learn to really love me, and I could learn to love him. We could mature together past the hormone-fueled lust. I wanted to work for something because I watched my parents fail to work it out for years. Relationships take work. I believe that.
However, I found myself uprooting everything for him. I gave up my potential career to be a stay-at-home mom like he wanted. Moved tohishometown. Lived in a househedesigned. Every move I made was because ofhim. Every decision I made was in the name of being a good wife. Of being Ethan’s wife. All of it in the name of being nothing like my parents.
Neither of them bothered to fix their relationship or even try to work on it. So, I was going to work on mine. My dad wouldn’t budge for the sake of his family or wife, so I budged as much as I was asked to.
Every choice I made had been because of a man. Whetherdirectly or indirectly. Fear had fueled me for my entire life. Fear drove me to protect my sister. To protect my daughter. And now it has me frozen, unable to form any real words.
I stand before Tanner on the outskirts of my sister’s wedding reception. My sweet Tanner, with tears in his eyes—asking me to stay. Begging me to stay, to figure it out. He had thought Sebastian was Ethan and that I was leaving him to go back to Ethan. Which in a sense, I am. I am moving my life back to Illinois for his sake. I’ve told myself it’s for Winnie, but I know better than that.
Of course Iwantto stay, but it’s not about what I want. I have made too many decisions that have left me in this loop. And if I stay, is it because of him? Is it because of another man?
This is Tanner.My heart says,He isn’t your father. He isn’t Ethan.
“Why not? Why can’t you stay?” Tanner asks, taking a step closer as I take a step further.
“Because. This isn’t my home.”
“Bullshit.” He says the words so fast and sharp that it makes me flinch.
“Excuse me?”
“Damn it, Hannah, choose whatyouwant,” he demands. “If you want to go, then go. If you want to go work a mindless desk job for your dad, then fine. But don’t you dare act like this isn’t your home. Since the moment you got here, this has been your home. My passenger seat, my rocking chair, my kitchen table? Hannah,my bed? Every square inch of my house— my land? It’s all yours. Every blade of grass, every damn flower petal on my property is yours. The flannels in my closet and every shirt in my drawer has belonged to you since the moment I met you. Since the moment youlookedat me from across that rooftop in Chicago, there was nothing else for me.Nobodyelse.” He shakes his head. “Your roots are already so buried within this place,withinme, Hannah. You can say you don’t want me. You can say you don’t love me. You can give whatever other excuse you want, but don’t you dare say this isn’t your home.”
His hands are gripped around the back of my head, fingers threaded into my hair pleadingly as I blink up at him through my tears. He’s looking at me like I might float away. Or like I already have.
“Of course I love you. But it’s not about me,” I whisper, knowing my voice is too weak to speak much louder.
“Then what is it, Han? For crying out loud, talk to me!” His voice is growing in volume and desperation. “Talk to me and tell me what is actually going on here.”
“He wants visitation rights!” The words leap out of me. Like the final knife to the argument.
“Okay?” He looks at me like he’s waiting for more. “And?”
“And?And,my parents are in Illinois. Winnie’s dad is in Illinois wanting possible custody. I was never going to be able to stay. I didn’t know it then, but I can’t be here, not with Ethan still there.”
“It’s only a few hours. He can drive. Hannah,wecan drive.”He stands straighter. “If you don’t want that, then I’ll come to you. If you would have me, Hannah if you wantthis, I will move to you. I will move to wherever you are.”
“I would never ask you to do that,” I say, my heart puddled around me. “That’s what I’m saying. It’s not your home. Your life is here. Your family, your friends.”
“My home is you. Wherever you are, is where my home is. My home is with you and Winnie and I want nothing more than to love both of you, Hannah. In fact, I would really prefer loving you than not.”
My name lives on his lips like his lives in my heart. There will never be a day in my life where I will not love this man. I think I knew it, in a sense, back in Chicago. I knew that my life wouldnever be the same after meeting him. And now, being loved by him? How could my life ever return to what it once was? How could I want it to? But how can I stay?
“They’re doing their send-off!” a voice calls out, and I blink at Tanner, then at Elyse waiting on us.
“Let’s go,” he says. “This conversation isn’t over yet.” He nods his head back toward the party, and I follow on floating feet.
“There you are.” Lauren finds me amongst the crowd. “I was looking for you. We are staying at the bed and breakfast in Près du Lac for the weekend, then heading to the airport after that.”
“I’ll be back in Illinois by then,” I tell her and she lets out an exasperated sigh, and it catches me off guard.
“Stop making decisions because of men,” she snaps and I physically recoil. The words slapped across my face. Had she heard my conversation with Tanner? What on earth is she talking about?
“What?”
