“Mom!” Winnie calls. “I got Tanner wet!”
Gwen’s eyebrows pop up.
“Her stuffed sheep,” I clarify. “Her fish is named Tanner too.”
I go in and Tanner sheep is bubbly, wet and slumped on the edge of the tub, dripping onto the floor below.
“Baby, sheep don’t like water like this. Especially stuffed sheep. I’ll try and wash out the soap and then dry him but then you need to finish up if you want to watch a movie before bed.”
I take the toy sheep and show Gwen back in the living room and she does a terrible job at stifling her laughter.
“She loves him,” I admit and ring out as much water as I can into the sink.
“The sheep or its namesake?”
“Both.”
She laughs again and stands. “I should go, but just so it’s on the record, Tanner is absolutely in love with both of you. I can tell you have some shit going on, but he’s crazy about you. Don’t give up on him yet.”
41
“It’s just practice?” Winnie asks from across the counter.
“Yes, just practice. The actual wedding is tomorrow.”
“Then we are going home?” She doesn’t meet my eyes, just keeps staring at the fish swimming in its bowl.
“We will stay for the weekend, but then yes, we will go home after.”
She sighs and rests her chin onto her folded arms.
Today was her last day at camp and she nearly clung to the door frame as we left. She hugged her friends who didn’t really understand that she wasn’t coming back. She wore her purple YMCA T-shirt and handed each friend little drawings she colored from her drawstring bag. All tears were saved though for once we got in the car afterwards. She was hysterical until about five minutes ago when I said we could have a popsicle at home before we headed over to Lauren’s for the rehearsal. The popsicle is sitting in the bowl in front of her. Melted.
For nearly three weeks, we have done nothing but plan the wedding and prepare the nursery at Lauren’s house. I avoid the parking lot out back at all costs now. I try to keep Winnie insideon pizza nights rather than on the balcony because the few times we have seen Tanner out there, it nearly doubles me over in pain.
He doesn’t come by, Winnie asks why and I tell her he’s busy getting the flowers ready for the wedding and that we too, need to be ready for the wedding. So many sleepless nights I have sat in his flannel, hovering my thumb over the send button or the call button. But I never press either. I can’t bring myself to go unanswered again.
“Are we going back to Grampy and Nan’s house when we go home?” Winnie asks.
“For a little while. Maybe we can find a little house for ourselves. Maybe something with a yard?”
I expect this to get a bit of a smile out of her, or at least a touch of interest. She just shrugs.
“Why can’t we just stay?” Her bottom lip pops out.
I haven’t told her about Ethan wanting visitation, or that I accepted a secretary job with Paul’s company back in Illinois. I decided that we needed to just get through the wedding before I throw all of that at her too. Leaving will be difficult enough.
“Because this was just a vacation,” I tell her.
“But we will come back, right? And visit?”
“Of course. Aunt Laurey will still be here, and we will come back and see her and Uncle Rhett. And then eventually the baby.”
“And Tan?”
Pulling in my lips, I nod. “Of course. You will need to come back to check on the sheep and that cow.”
Suddenly the apartment feels fleeting and nostalgic. I miss it despite my clothes still sitting in the dresser drawers and my shampoo still on the shower ledge. Winnie’s shoes are by the door inside of mine, where she likes to keep them, and my heart is hung up on the walls with all the frames filled with the photos of the people I love.
