“You missed me?”
Bax turned, spatula in hand, and watched my face as I decided how to answer my son.Bea watched closely, too, but I didn’t blame them or hold any anger at their overprotectiveness because they were doing what I’d asked them to, both of them ready to jump in if I said anything or did anything that might hurt Stu.
“Yeah, I missed you, all of you, and I wondered what you were up to.If you were happy and got to play a lot and have fun.And I wondered if Granny made you her famous custard pie.If your mama tickled you and let you stay up late sometimes to watch a movie.”
Looking at Bea, a guilty smile grew on Stu’s face.“She does.”
And in that moment, I knew.
I knew I couldn’t tell him the truth, ’cause if I did, his whole world would crumble.His memories of Bea and Bax and Athena would change.What if he became angry like I had that no one ever told him the truth about his real daddy?
What if the truth led him to drugs?
Standing and gently removing his little arm he’d wrapped around my shoulder, I carried him back to Bea and set him in her lap while she stared up at me.
My skin lost its connection to his, and it felt like the fabric of my soul ripped free from my bones.
“I’ll, uh, I’ll be right back.I need to use the john.”
Bea nodded silently, and I turned and walked away as fast as I could, listening to my sister and mama calling my name and their worried voices fading behind me.
In the bathroom,I turned on the faucet, let the water run, and slid down the door.
What the fuck are you even doin’ here?You can’t do this.You don’t have shit to give your kid.You don’t know how to be a fuckin’ father.You’re stupid and worthless and?—
Something shiny and brilliant caught my eye, and I focused on the empty toilet paper holder and forced myself to count to ten.Someone had meant to put on a new roll but must’ve forgotten because it sat on the sink, still rolled tightly.But that gleaming silver bar led my eyes around the bathroom until I realized that the whole thing had been renovated.
The scuffed and stained ceramic tub—the one Noah Lee had almost drowned me in because I’d come home with dirt on my face after playing all day when I was ten and it irritated him—had been replaced by a modern clawfoot, and all the fixtures were new too.The showerhead up top looked like one of those fancy rainfall doodads, and even the toilet was new.It had more buttons on it than my cell phone.
My phone.
I pulled it from my back pocket and clicked it on with my thumb.Stu’s and my family’s faces appeared, but I opened my contacts to avoid their happy smiles.
There was something shiny and new in my life, too, and right now I needed her.
Please come to my brother’s house
It only took AJ two minutes to text back.I counted.
What happened?What’s wrong?
I can’t do this, AJ.Not alone.Please.
Tweedledee
On my way
ChapterTwenty-Three
Avery Jane
Dixon textedthat I should meet him by the old barn, the one he’d worked in with his dad.The one he hated.
His SOS text had felt different than when he first invited me to dinner with his family.I knew he wouldn’t have sent it if he didn’t really need me.For him to show vulnerability like that told me he wasn’t in the best place.
I walked the perimeter of the rundown structure but didn’t see Dixon anywhere.The big sliding door to the barn had been left open, so I slipped inside silently and looked around at abandoned farm machinery and too many cobwebs.There were lifetimes of history steeped into these walls.The sun filtered through weathered boards on the second floor, and dust motes floated in streaks of warm, late afternoon light.
Calling out quietly, “Dixon?Where are you?”my heart raced and fear seeped in beneath my skin.I wasn’t afraid of Dixon but of the pain I knew would be trying to change him back to the same angry teenager who’d wanted to burn this place down.
