‘You mean away from all the tourists?’ I pretended to be offended, hoping he’d say something sweet, and hating the fact that Delphine’s words from the start of the holiday had really got under my skin.
‘Yes.’ Felix smiled. ‘I want to show you the real France, not just what the tourists see.’ And then he kissed me, taking all of my doubts away.
We ambled up the almost empty street looking for a restaurant when Felix stopped suddenly. A song filled the air. He had let go of my hand and had just frozen, right there inthe road, looking at a man playing what looked like some kind of flute up the street.
‘Felix, are you OK?’ I asked, even though he clearly wasn’t.
‘The txistu,’ he whispered. Not to me. It was like he was in a trance. I took his hand again, but he didn’t respond. It was heavy, lifeless.
‘I need to … can we …?’ Felix turned to me with panic in his eyes and this time he did take my hand, pulling me back down the street the same way we’d come, back down towards the harbour, where he found a bench to sit on.
We sat and Felix bent over his knees, putting his head in his hands.
And I didn’t ask what was wrong again, I just put my hand on his back and waited for his breath to calm and his heart to stop racing.
Finally, he sat up and just stared out at the harbour.
‘Sorry, Margot.’ Felix shook his head but still looked out at the boats. I put my hand on top of his.
‘Don’t apologize,’ I said gently. I knew what it felt like. Like there was no air, like your chest was tight and sore and ready to explode, like you might die. That day at the swimming pool. I’d felt it too.
‘I just …’ Felix hesitated, and I could tell how painful he was finding whatever it was, so I stopped him.
‘You don’t have to explain if you don’t want to. We can just sit here if you want?’ I offered.
I squeezed his hand, and he squeezed mine back, then looked at me with what I swear were tears in his eyes.
‘You know, there’s this song,’ I said, taking a breath, becauseit still hurt to think about it – howshecouldn’t breathe. ‘This Irish folk song. “The Irish Rover”. And Rue loved it because in the version she’d heard, there were bad words.’
I glanced at Felix and watched him attempt a smile, breathing heavily, so I continued.
‘So anyway. She got pneumonia. With Rue’s cerebral palsy she’s more prone to respiratory infections. And this time was really bad. So when she was stable, I got on her bed beside her and played the song over and over again, holding her little hand, and it probably didn’t help at all, but I knew it made her happy. And now? I can’t listen to the song any more, it brings back memories of how scared she was, and just how unfair it all was.’ I was shocked by the tears that filled my eyes now, just by talking about it, but I forced them away. I was just trying to let him know that I understood.
‘Will she get better?’ Felix asked, more normally now, like he’d come back to life.
‘She’ll always have cerebral palsy, but she’s having this operation in September that will hopefully make things a bit easier for her.’ I shook my head. ‘She has these injections all the time, and they used to bother her. But now? She just lets them inject her without even saying anything. She’s incredible.’ I inhaled the salty air and turned to Felix.
‘Music can make us feel too much sometimes. Too many memories.’ He brushed hair away from my cheek. ‘I promise I will explain what just happened. But the words are not here right now.’
‘Felix. It’s OK. I understand,’ I whispered. ‘I’ve felt like this too. Last year I had a panic attack at a swimming competition.’
I looked at my lap as I let the memory in. Felix reached for my hand as I continued. ‘It just came out of nowhere, like I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, it was horrible. And I let so many people down.’ I shook my head and blinked back tears.
I felt his hand under my chin, raising it gently to look at him.
‘I am sorry you have felt this way too,’ he said.
I leaned into his palm, which was now on my cheek, and gazed into the comfort of his eyes.
And then he kissed me, slow and gentle, his hand on my jaw and my hand at the nape of his neck, twisting my fingers in his hair.
‘I know a good place to get pizza. Just over there.’ Felix pointed.
‘With all the tourists?’ I asked. Shocked.
Felix rolled his eyes and smirked. ‘As long as my favourite tourist is there to protect me.’
I stood up and offered him my hand. He took it and we ate pizza in a beautiful little pizzeria looking out over the harbour, surrounded by Americans.
