And now she’s being manipulated.“You don’t have to worry about me. I'm going to keep you safe, we’ll find a way?—"
“You said something about a brand.” I swallowed. An image from his mind flashed across my vision, charred flesh, and screaming. I gasped.
“Whoa,” he caught my shoulders, and I looked at him. He dropped his arms.Damnit, Tyralk…“Whoever has been scaring you, they were wrong to. You don’t have to think about that.”
“I don’t want you branded, or beaten, or chased away?—"
Some poker-face you have, you shit-bag, moping about like a mewling pup and making this, again, her problem-
“I can't endure you…flogging yourself, in your mind, over and over, like you’re something that you’re not.” I wrapped my arms around myself.
“You don’t have to worry about that.” He forced a smile, and that was worse. This was worse. “I am not…flogging. I'm just focused on doing what's right.”I will be focused on it. Focus, Khal, you pile of shit-
“And you're not a pile of shit!” I must look crazy, responding to things he didn’t say, fighting not to cry over nothing. He looked so confused, and still I kept going, kept convincing him I was nuts. “A night with me can’t be so bad that you’d face having something burned into your flesh. You can’t loathe methat much. You liked me before.” I had to speak calmly, had to look put together, not like this. “At…at the pool?—"
Images assaulted my mind from his, my skin flushed and chest heaving, my face close to his. And he looked away, hands clenched at his side. “I have never loathed you,” he said, like it hurt. “But I can’t…I can’t hurt you again, Rowena.” There was a comfort in hearing him say my name.
I drew breath. “What if you’re not hurting me? What if…what if I want you to?” I stepped closer.
“Rowena, don’t?—"
“Do you want me?” I listened, waiting for his thoughts, his mind a pulsing answer against mine, a wave of self-loathing and desire as he pressed his mouth shut.
“You do want me,” I said. I wouldn't let myself think about this. I pulled off the dress, yanked it off over my head, and stood, like an idiot, holding it in front of me.
“Rowena…”
I threw it onto the bed.
“Rowena, you don’t?—"
I grabbed my shift to pull it off, and he caught my hands. We were standing so close, his breath on my hair.
“Rowena,” he said. “Please. Don’t.” The words were pain, squeezing at my throat. “This was my mistake. Let me handle the consequences.”
I stared up into those amber eyes, my face, so small, reflected in his. “Khal,” I whispered. “Am I ever going to be more than a mistake to you?”
He tried to step back, away from me, seemed to remember that he had my hands trapped in his, the fabric of my shift clenched in my fists.This is madness,his voice echoed.“It’s not like that.”
“Could we forget?” Tears were flowing down my face, onto my hands stupidly clenched around the slip, his strong hands that captured mine. “You said once that the first night was bad but we’d get better, that we could…we could practice…”
“Rowena.” His eyes grimaced closed, and I saw myself, in that room again, silhouetted in the moonlight on that bed, my eyes vacant. My blood on his length, the blanket.
“We’re trapped there, aren’t we?” I whispered. “I’ll never be the girl you share your bedroll with again, or the one you wantto kiss in the stones, because I make you think aboutthat. If I had just…if I hadn’t told you…”
“No.No.” His grip on my hands tightened. “You should never have had to endure this alone. You were never supposed to carry any of this. It’s my place, to grieve with you. A real sorrow is better than a happiness that’s a lie.” That seemed so obviously untrue. He was still speaking. “...I don’t want to be a child you pacify with fantasies.”
“And I don’t want to be yourhorror.” I tried to steady myself, just to not cry. “You used to think that you could learn to love me. You used to think we could suit each other?—"
“I didn’t stop loving you.” And now his voice was the one that rose. “Not for a day. Not for a moment.” His eyes were fierce, anguished, haunted. “And I know it, because it’s tearing me apart.”
His hands, so warm on mine, gripped harder again. “I can’t remedy this. I can’t fix that the first thing I ever did was hurt you. All I can do, over and over, is try to make sure you’re not hurt again. That you’re not trapped again. That you have a chance to get away from this. You’re the one person I want to hold onto, and I spend all my time preparing to let you go.” He let out a ragged gasp. “It’s a horrible penance, and I can’taskfor more. I can’t ask you to stay. I can’t ask for the touch of your hand, or the warmth of your arms. I can’t put the slightest pressure on you to forgive what shouldn’t be forgivable, to betray yourself with…” His lips sealed.
“Khal?” I said. “Let go of my hands.” He let go. I reached up to touch his jaw, and he didn’t pull away. “I don’t want your penance,” I said. “I want the man who married me.” I touched his face, and his eyes closed, and when they reopened they were still wary. “Can we start over?” I whispered. “Please. Can we just try again?”
“But this shouldn’t happen to you, Rowena. You shouldn’tfeel like you have to seduce me to be safe, just because of my vilecousin,” he said the word like a curse. “I should not be benefiting from his conniving.”
“I want you.”
