He pulled the bag off his shoulder to prop against a tree, and lay down, sprawled out on the moss and earth.
After a moment, I calculated a polite distance, and I lay down beside him. He didn’t comment. Overhead, the tree limbs sparkled and glowed, the tiny pinpricks of sky visible through the patches still blue.
I gathered my resolve. “I didn’t mean to offend you. Asking about…about your plans. With your body and…and a family.”
“You didn’t.” His voice was a little gruff. “That’s a conversation most people have before they have a wedding, or a wedding night. You’re not outside your rights to ask.”
“I just worry that you’re doing that thing where you think about everyone around you and you just keep…picking up things to carry. I…I don’t want to be another thing to carry.”
He let out a long breath, didn’t look at me. “You're not keeping score on who has burdened whom.”
I reached to argue, but he kept going, pain in the tightness of his voice.
"— because if you were,” he repeated again, “because if you were you would know that you have protected me, over and over, and all I have done for you is be a bit less brutal than you were expecting.”
“You saved me at the wall,” I rasped out.
“Yes, from the danger you'd never have been in without me.” His gaze stayed fixed on the sky. “Allow me to get you through the peril that I married you into. This part, I knew about. I'll make sure you're safe.” He went quiet, and I thought he was done talking, when he murmured, “I’ll make sure no one is making you do anything.”
There was a weird, heavy feeling in my chest, and a tightness where I breathe, and I was supposed to feel better, but I just felt… “Khal?” I whispered. “Can you tell me what's going to happen?”
He was quiet for a while. “...yeah. That makes sense. This is important to you.” He took a deep breath. “The last time people made plans without you knowing, you got in this mess with me.”
I couldn't answer, just lay on the soft earth with the moss beneath me. My eyes burned, and I couldn't look at him.
“You know I'm a chieftain's son,” he said. “Now that I've taken a step to assert myself, my cousin will challenge me for myplace. He's tried to convince people for some time that he deserves to be my mother's heir. And he's done a lot of good things. When I'm off with my cadre, he's helping the elderly and slaying monsters close to home. He’s spent time proving himself. And he's spent time trying to prove that I do not belong here.”
“And you set this up so you'd fight him.”
“Yes.”
I looked over at him.The glow of the moss reflected on his skin.
“My cousin might be a good leader,” he said. “He cares enough about how people view him to work hard. And he's a capable warrior. But the dissension he's caused while trying to undermine me isn't good for anyone. So…better to bring it to a head.”
“Why was Vrathgar arguing with you?”
“He wants me to risk killing Sephar.”
“But Sephar will be trying to kill you.”
“Yes. He's wanted me dead for a long time.”
“So why not kill him?”
The side of his mouth lifted, bleak. “He's my cousin,” he said. “I don't want him lost. Even if he hates me.”
A bird sang somewhere in the canopy. A knot grew in my throat. “How do you do it?” I whispered.
He looked over at me. “Do what?”
“How do you see something in people that makes you want them to live, when I’m just ready for them to die?”
He stopped, staring into that light. “Do you think I’m being irrational, too? Like Vrathgar does?”
“No. I don't think you're being irrational.” My throat hurt. “Just…better.” I spoke quickly, like maybe I couldn't humiliate myself if I went fast enough. "—I thought at first that maybe you hadn’t met evil, that it was innocence. But they’ve hurt you. Sephar…he hurt you. He hates you.” I forced through the lump thatrose in my throat, the hate like bile. “So why? Why do you care about people? And why does it seem like I can’t?”
“That’s not true,” Khal said quietly. “You cared about your sister so much that you traded your life for hers. You cared about Tyralk.” He took a breath. “You cared about me.”
