God, that kiss we had was sensational. I’ve never felt anything like that before. I can still feel the buzzing on my lips whenever I think about it. And if the kissing was that good, what would it be like to…
What if I followed my own feelings for the first time? What if I see love as something for myself? What if I make a good choice – what if Ichoosesomeone good – instead of being flattered by being chosen? Flattered by the wrong person.
I have to tell him I like him. Iwantto tell him.
‘Sam.’ I sit up straight, staring at her, my chest heaving. ‘I know this might not be sensible, but I think I’m going to tell Edward I have feelings for him.’
‘You… you’rewhat?’ She gapes at me, and I swallow hard.
‘I know he’ll probably reject me, but I have to do it.’ I scramble to stand up. ‘You’re right, I think he likes me as a person, and maybe the ethical bullshit will get in the way, but he’s not my therapist anymore, is he?’
‘Er…’ Sam looks so divided. On the one hand, this is exactly the kind of crap she loves to be a part of. I can see it on her face – she wants sooo much to cheerlead me on and then watch. But she’s trying to be less dysfunctional. ‘Ummm…’ she tries again, fighting herself.
‘If it helps,’ I say, bouncing on the spot, impatiently. ‘I’m definitely doing this, whatever you say next.’
Her face breaks out into a huge, triumphant grin. ‘Then GO!’ she shouts. ‘I want you to do this and I love this for you! Edward is the BEST! And so fit!’ I grab her for a quick hug, and she doesn’t resist. Then I turn to run out the door and to the lift.I’m doing this, I’m really doing this.
I jab frantically at the lift doors and they ding open immediately.
And standing there, as if he was waiting for me, is Edward.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Edward is standing there, in front of me, real and solid. I feel like I haven’t seen him in years, and it takes all my willpower not to throw myself into his deceptively big, burly arms. I step inside the lift, trying not to stare, taking in his familiar shape.
‘Liv?’ he questions; surprised to see me, and I find myself unable to speak for a moment. All the excitement and energy from a moment ago has frozen in my chest and I can’t think how to say any of it. I had all the words ready back in my office with Sam, and now all I have are squeaks.
‘Hi,’ I squeak.
He presses the ground floor button, and I stare at it in a panic as the doors shuffle closed. My first instinct is to throw myself into his arms and kiss him. To have that moment again. That kiss we shared in his parents’ hallway was so genuinely glorious. I could’ve kissed him for hours, doingnothing more than enjoying that feeling of his rough lips against mine; his hands on my face and back. That kiss… it felt – I don’t know –pure. It was kissing for the sake of kissing. Kissing for kissing’s sake. I wanted more, obviously I did because I’m human and it was amazing but – in the moment – it felt like everything. It was sort of simple and beautiful. It was how kissing is meant to feel. How kissinghasn’tever felt for me – not properly. And Isowant to do it again.
Instead, I clear my throat. ‘How are things?’ I ask, feeling the horrible hollowness of small talk ringing through my words. Our last session was just days ago. We talked in so much depth about the darkest corners of my life and now I’m treating Edward like the Amazon delivery driver dropping off my washing powder subscription. But that feels like aeons ago and everything is different now.
It’s clear he hears the strangeness in my tone, too, because he laughs lightly. ‘Things are, you know, pretty good. How about you?’
So formal. It’s bizarre.
‘Well, I…’ I glance frantically up at the digital display. Fuck! We’ve nearly made it to the ground floor already. What idiot made lifts so quick?
I turn to face him because it’s now or never. And I can’t do never. The old Liv would’ve done never; she would’ve found another Justin.
‘I…’ I try again and he regards me quizzically.
‘Is everything okay?’ he asks nicely and I nod, unable to speak.
‘Everything is really okay!’ I tell him in a rush. ‘Actually, Edward, I just stood up for myself to a bully in a queue and everyone joined in. We scared a man with a tiny penis and it was brilliant. Maybe he won’t push in next time, or maybe he’ll reconsider parking in a disabled bay.’ I shake my head, laughing a little as I think of his number plate. ‘Big Boy!’ Edward looks totally confused by this, so I keep speaking. ‘What I mean to say is that everything we’ve talked about in our sessions has really helped me. Knowing you, talking to you, has really helped me and—’
The lift dings loudly and the doors begin to open. I reach over and press the close button.
‘What are you—’ he asks, eyebrows drawn together, but I’m already choosing the top floor again. We start our ascent, and he looks flustered. Is this a kidnapping? Surely it wouldn’t rise to that level. If the police wish to categorise it, it would be a simple lift-napping, nothing more.
‘Sorry, I just need another minute with you,’ I say quickly, and he frowns. It makes me giggle. ‘Edward, your resting bitch face is really Karen-ing right now.’
This makes him smile and I take a deep breath, trying to re-start the speech I can’t remember a word of. ‘You know, spending time with you has really dampened my enjoyment of Taylor Swift,’ I tell him as he looks ever more baffled. ‘Say what you will for awful men who ruin your life, but they definitely make her songs more relatable.’
‘Who’s Taylor Swift?’ he asks, eyebrows raised, and I feel a squawk of abject horror making its way up my throat – until Iremember theTwilightprank. He’s messing with me. A playful smile is fighting through the wide, innocent expression, and I laugh. Edward clears his throat now. ‘Look, I’m really not sure I’m following a lot of this,’ he says and I sigh.
Why am I talking about Taylor Swift and queue bullies when all I want to do is tell this man I like him? I’m really messing this up.
