The lift dings as we arrive back at the top floor again and I groan at it with frustration. The doors open and Edward waits, looking at me expectantly.
I reach over and hit all the buttons this time, ground floor to three. The doors obligingly shut and down we go. Again.
‘Look,’ I begin, trying to steady my breathing. ‘You told me I should start being honest about my feelings.’ He turns to mirror my position, regarding me curiously. I continue in a flurry of silly words, ‘And I know I’m really only at the start of my therapy journey. I’m going to carry on with my sessions and my work, but with someone else now.’ An expression flickers across his face, and I quickly add, ‘Not because you’re not great. You’ve beensogreat! I will totally five star you on Google reviews or whatever, but I need to… I have to…’ I take a deep breath, the lift doors dinging, shuffling open, then shuffling closed as it moves through the floors. I’m getting a bit travel sick and surely he’ll start getting annoyed if I keep him lift-napped much longer. I only have seconds until we reach the ground floor again. ‘Right, Edward, you know how you and your family loveGrand Designs? And you know how I said I can’t watch itbecause I find it too frustrating when Kevin gets you really invested in a project and then takes you around for a final look but it’s miles away from being finished? It’s the most frustrating thing in the world, but I am an unfinishedGrand Designsproject.’
He points at me. ‘GRAND DESIGNS.’
I smile. ‘That’s me. I have a long way to go yet, but I can see so many good bits glimmering in here. When I’m done, I’m going to be worth all the expense and time. I’m going to be great. And you’ve helped me see that. I have to do the rest without Kevin and the camera crew but being around you makes me want to be the best version of myself. You even make me like myself as an unfinished project. Do you get it? You’ve helped me see that I could be… pulchritudinous.’ I search his eyes, hoping he gets it.
‘You’re the… water tower?’ he offers in a murmur, and I shake my head.
‘I hope not,’ I sigh. The lift dings at the first floor. One more to go. I need to stop using in-joke metaphors, it’s too confusing.
‘Edward, we’ve finished our six sessions now, haven’t we?’ I ask and he nods.
‘Yes, Liv, and I’ve emailed theMorning Teaproducer Spencer to let him know you’ve completed your sessions but—’
‘You have?’ I feel my face light up. So, we’re officially done as therapist and therapee –andI should be getting my job back! ‘That’s brilliant, and it means—’
‘Look,’ he tries to interrupt. ‘I have to talk to you about something, Olivia. It’s something I’ve been trying to explain for a while now.’
He looks uncomfortable and it hits me that he’s going to say it, too. He likes me! He’s wanted to tell me for a while!
But I want to be first to say this. I want the chance to be honest.
I grin. ‘No, let me,’ I say, raising a hand. ‘If we’ve finished our sessions and you’re no longer myGrand Designstherapist, then there’s no reason we can’t givethisa go.’
His eyes widen as I gesture between us. ‘I have to—’
‘Please don’t start with all that transference crap again, Edward,’ I plead. ‘Because my feelingsarereal, I know they are. And you can’t deny that kiss we had at your parents’ house. It was amazing and it felt so right. I’m not mad, am I? You felt it, too, didn’t you? Don’t tell me it was all one-sided.’
He takes a deep breath. ‘Yes,’ he says at last. ‘It was… incredible. And I have feelings for you, too, Liv – really fucking strong feelings actually – but I have to—’
‘I know we have to,’ I say quickly. The lift is nearly at the ground floor and I reach out, ready to again jab at the close doors button. I just need one more minute. ‘And I know this is a huge thing. We’ve been intimate as client and therapist and it’s not as easy as just deciding to move past that. I know it’s a process and we’d have to work through it. It will be slow – unlike this sodding lift – and it will be difficult, and we’ll have to re-learn about each other as real people again.’ I swallow hard, my eyes searching his. ‘But honestly? Edward?I really don’t want to bother with any of that. I just want to be kissing you right now.’ I don’t wait for him to reply or respond. Instead, I move in. I put my hand on his face, feeling the warmth of early stubble there. And then I reach up and kiss him.
It is easily as good as the last time. Maybe – unbelievably – even better. He kisses me back now, dropping his bag and wrapping his arms around me tightly. We pull closer, my head spinning and the whole world dropping away.
The ding of the lift pulls me back and we stop at last, staring blindly at one another for a second. I can’t feel my body, everything feels far away; spinny and drunk.
In those milliseconds as we pull apart, I stare at his face in wonder. Somewhere in my brain, a kind of peace settles over me. I feel the full body relief of having said the words I wanted to say, I feel the joy of finally being honest. I feel the excitement of having kissed this man I like.
I think about the years of knowing Edward, and not really knowing him, and what these last few months have meant to me. How finding him in the chaos and ashes of my previous life has been like a miracle. I think about all those moments I’ve thought about him in private; in the quiet moments at night before I fell asleep. How much I thought about our conversations, about his messy eating. I think about how I can’t use shampoo or wash my ears anymore, without thinking of him. How – whenever Sam asks what takeaway we should get – I think of our lunch in KFC, talking about the stupidity of English words. I think aboutalot. I think abouthow I’ve restarted watchingGrand Designsin recent weeks – but only old episodes where all the projects have definitely long since finished.
The milliseconds pass and the doors open. Jools is standing there, waiting with her surely-cold-now hot chocolate perched haphazardly in a cardboard tray. She looks annoyed and I feel bad for hogging the lift. She blinks at the pair of us, standing stock still, too close. We probably look very sus.
‘Sorry,’ I try to speak, my tongue feeling swollen and unfamiliar; my lips buzzing. ‘We were just—’
‘Ugh, why are you talking tohim?’ she says making a face. She sticks her tongue out at Edward, then adds, ‘Traitor.’
‘What?’ I say, completely non-plussed. Why is she… what the hell doesthat mean? I repeat myself, ‘What?’
‘Just so you know, Liv.’ She’s glowering. ‘I’ve not once given him a good base – not once. Viewers keep saying how sallow he looks and how orange his eyebrows are, but out of loyalty to you, I’ve ignored the feedback.’
I shake my head. ‘What base? What are you talking about?Whoare you talking about?’
‘Edward the therapist,’ she says, waving her free hand at him.
‘Right…?’ I say and glance up at him. He is frozen, staring at Jools with something like panic on his face.
