‘Justin?’ I ask with trepidation, half hoping it’s a butt dial.
‘Liv?’ he answers, sounding equally horrified.
‘Er, yes?’
‘Hi, um, sorry for calling,’ he says nervously. ‘I know it’s weird.’ He pauses. ‘Come to think of it, I don’t think we ever actually spoke on the phone when we were going out, not even once.’
I shake my head though he can’t hear me. He’s right, I don’t think we did. And I don’t think it says anything good about us that we didn’t.
Beside me, a wide-eyed Sam mouths, ‘Shall I go?’ and I shake my head again, grabbing for her hand and squeezing it.
‘Thanks for your message,’ he adds, and I wait, still notknowing what to say. ‘It meant a lot, and I wanted to say sorry, too. Er, properly. I don’t think I have.’
‘I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad,’ I say softly. ‘With my message, I mean. I just needed to say it. For closure’s sake. To end a chapter.’
‘No, I know that, I get it,’ he says. ‘And I think I need my own closure, too.’ I hear him smile. ‘Hence the unsolicited phone call.’ He takes a long, slow breath. ‘I wanted to say that it did mean something, our time together. It wasn’t nothing. But I wasn’t… I don’t know… fullymyself, I guess. Or at least, I wasn’t the person I want to be. I was a useless oaf, I know that, and I let myself be that guy when deep down I knew I didn’t need to be. Hell, I didn’twantto be, not really. I felt lazy and stupid a lot of the time.’
‘Well,’ I say lightly. ‘You kind ofwerelazy and stupid a lot of the time.’ He laughs good naturedly.
‘That’s fair,’ he replies. ‘But to quote the great Robbie Williams, “No one is the villain in their own story”.’
I frown. ‘I think George R.R. Martin said that.’
He sounds a little impatient when he replies, ‘Okay, well, Robbie Williams said it more recently. Anyway, I don’t think I wanted to see that there was anything wrong with the way I was behaving. The way I was treating you. I told myself that you liked doing everything for me. Y’know, it’s how my mum treated my dad, and I see it happening in a lot of my friends’ relationships. Not that many of them are happy.’ He pauses. ‘But none of that means it’s okay that I acted like it. Meeting Orla made me realise that.’ He laughsa little. ‘Every time I act all helpless and useless about something that needs doing, she does the same, but takes it even further. She’s like, “Oh, you don’t know how to turn the dishwasher on? Oh no, neither do I and now I’ve flooded the kitchen – whoops!” She’s hilarious. She says she’s weaponising weaponised incompetence.’
I laugh, too. ‘She honestly seems amazing. And I’m not just saying that. I want to be her when I grow up.’
‘Me too,’ he says. ‘I hope I don’t fuck it up.’
‘Me too,’ I echo.
I hear him swallow hard down the line. ‘I’m sorry if it hurt you, me meeting her so quickly after we split up. I didn’t intend for that to happen either. I hope you never thought I cheated or—’
‘Nah,’ I say simply, letting him off the hook. ‘And I get it now. These things happen when they happen. You can’t let someone like Orla pass you by.’
‘That’s… really…’ he trails off. ‘You’re a good person, Liv.’
‘Sometimes,’ I acknowledge, making eye contact with Sam. ‘And I’m working on being better.’ I pause, thinking of the man who’s been helping me with that mission. ‘Thanksalotfor calling me,Just Tin,’ I say, knowing he won’t get the joke, but also knowing it’ll make Edward laugh when I tell him about it.
As we say our goodbyes, wishing each other well, I feel all glowy and light. I don’t think I’ll ever speak to Justin again – I don’t need to – and I’m fine with that. It was what it was, and now it’s time to let him go and get on with my life.
‘Take care,’ he says, and then – as I go to press the end call button – he says something that I barely catch. It sounds like the word internet, and then – bizarrely –redemption. He’s gone before I can ask him to repeat himself.
I frown at the phone as Sam watches me.
‘What?’ she asks anxiously. ‘It sounded like a really civilised, grown-up chat, until the end. What happened there?’
I shake my head. ‘He said something strange as he hung up, but I didn’t catch it.’
She shrugs. ‘Well, he’s a strange dude.’
I laugh. ‘That’s a fair point.’
She looks expectant. ‘Are you going to call him back or message to ask what it was?’
I consider this. ‘Nope,’ I tell her at last. ‘I need to learn to let things go.’
‘Therapy has been so good for you,’ she murmurs, and I nod.
