‘Because I’m such a grown-up and I know it doesn’t matter, I’m definitely not going to ask you about the sex.’
‘Good.’
‘Let me finish. I’m not going to ask you about the sex againafter today. It was good, wasn’t it? You wouldn’t be nearly as upset if it was terrible.’
It’s very difficult to lie to someone when their head is in your lap and they’re staring at you.
‘If I say yes, will you leave it at that?’
‘Probably not.’
It was always going to be a long shot.
‘It was amazing,’ I say and she whoops. ‘Not how I thought it would be at all but, wow, yes, incredible.’
Her grin narrows into a sly smile. ‘So, youhadthought about it?’
‘Enough already,’ I warn. ‘I don’t want to think about it because it isn’t going to happen again.’
‘And you look thrilled.’
‘Ecstatic.’
Hair ruffled, she sits up and wrinkles her nose, deep in thought.
‘Whatever goes on with the two of you, I’m Team Mia always,’ she says as I collect all my pens, tucking them back into their pouch before she can turn them into projectiles. ‘But I really do believe he likes you. You can tell me to fuck off if you want but whatever he did or didn’t tell you, there has to be a good reason for it.’
When I close my eyes, he’s stood in front of me, staring at me. Not the way he did before he left this morning, full of wonder and warmth, but the way he stared at me on the soccer field. Cold and detached. Not my Ethan, just that guy I recognized from my old school. What reason could there possibly be?
‘What are you doing?’ I ask, when Alice stands up and goes over to my dresser, combing through my makeup bag.
‘Getting you ready,’ she replies. ‘Because we’re going down to the medical centre to register with a counsellor before youtry to get out of it and you can’t go until I’ve fixed your brows. Everything is easier with a good brow.’
There’s no point fighting her on this and so I sit still and let her start on my face.
‘Alice?’
‘Yes?’
‘Thank you.’
She pauses and smiles, eyebrow pen in hand.
‘Any time. Now, back to the sex …’
I smile back at my friend, beyond grateful, because no matter how many things I may or may not have screwed up since I got to Hemden, I know I got at least one thing right.
49
Ethan
Assad’s room reminds me why I was so happy to find out I had a single when I first arrived at Hemden. Both sides of the double are covered in shit, dirty sneakers, discarded textbooks, empty beer cans and half-empty packets of chips. The overpowering stench of Axe body spray almost knocked me off my feet when I walked through the door, but the underlying sour stench of unwashed clothes soon makes me miss it. If he’s hooking up as often as he says he is, I pray to all that is holy he isn’t bringing guys back here. No one deserves this.
Not true. I deserve this.
I could be in my room right now. With Mia. Inside Mia. We could be realizing every fantasy I’ve ever had, the ones we hadn’t brought to life last night anyway. I could have her bent over my bed or backed up against the wall with her legs wrapped around my waist. We could be sharing a shower or taking a stroll in the woods behind halls. We could be watching a movie, studying, eating dinner in the ref. I don’t know, I don’t care. I want all of it with her, the fun stuff, the boring stuff, everything, and now I have nothing.
My health psych textbook sits open in front of me on Assad’s roommate’s stale bed, but I haven’t absorbed a single word since I got back from my tutorial, and that whole hour was a blur. AllI can do is reread today’s material and ignore the vintage porno mags so tastefully spread out on their coffee table. The Eighties are not my decade of choice.
