‘I can’t afford it.’
‘Nice try but it’s free,’ she replies. ‘Got anything else?’
‘Yes, I’d be taking time away from people who really need help,’ I say. ‘People who have been through traumatic stuff. What am I going to talk about in counselling? Poor me, school is hard, I suck at my job, please fix me? I wouldn’t know where to start.’
Alice looks around my room, the books, flashcards, pens and highlighters scattered everywhere. ‘It doesn’t matter where you start. You just talk. I think you should give it a shot. Unless you like feeling this way?’
The beating in my chest starts to pick up again, like there’s a tiny bird trapped inside me instead of a heart and it’s trying to find a way out.
‘I’ve always felt this way. The only way to fix it is to get on top of everything.’
‘And if you can’t?’
An ugly tension builds, starting in my shoulders, binding my arms to my ribs, tightening my hands into fists as my lower body clenches, holding everything in, holding everything down. I stare at the floor, the warm wooden floorboards, the creamy beige rug.
‘I’ll go with you,’ Alice says softly. ‘If you hate it, you don’t have to go again. Same deal I made with Jenna when I told her I didn’t need counselling.’
‘What if they tell me to quit my job? Or drop out of class?’
‘They’re counsellors, not gods. You don’t have to do what they tell you. But if it helps, I don’t think they would say that. WithAva, the one I see, it’s more about her asking questions than telling me what to do.’
Nothing changes at first. I’m still wound up tight, wheels spinning, but as we sit together in silence, there is a shift. The smallest crack that lets the light in. The thought of talking to someone is frightening but not as frightening as the thought of feeling this way forever. I chew on my bottom lip, afraid to say words that would put the wheels in motion, but I have to. I know I have to.
‘You’d come with me?’ I say, so quiet, I can barely even hear myself. But Alice hears.
‘Every week if you want. I’ll walk you to the door, I’ll wait outside, and I’ll even take you for a little treat after.’
It’s shaky but I find the beginnings of a smile and turn my head to look at my friend.
‘Is this all part of a cunning plan to getyourselfa little treat?’
She grins, back to the Alice I know. ‘Shit, you found me out. Do we have a deal?’
‘Yes,’ I tell her before blowing out a slow, steady breath. ‘We have a deal.’
‘Which we should toast with a little treat.’ She hops off the bed to grab a box of Kleenex from my dresser and drops it in my lap. ‘Now, at the risk of undoing all our good work, do you want to tell me what happened with Ethan?’
There isn’t a single cell in my body that wants to relive the events of my morning but it’s going to come out sooner or later. She might as well hear it from me. But only my part in it, I’m not going to tell anyone about the accident, it’s not my place.
‘He and I, we …’
I don’t even know the right words for what we did.
‘Shagged each other senseless?’ she offers helpfully, and I sigh.
It was definitely senseless.
‘That covers it, more or less. What did Michael tell you?’
‘Michael didn’t say anything other than he saw the two of you having a big blow-up. I put two and two together, and what do you know, four.’ Leaning back on the bed, she gives me a wink. ‘Also, we all know he’s completely obsessed with you so it was only a matter of time.’
‘No, he isn’t.’
‘Please, it doesn’t take a master detective to see it. I’ve known since the night before your birthday. Why do you think he waited around all night to walk you home from your shift?’
Balling up the Kleenex in my hand, I pinch my shoulders together. ‘He didn’t wait, he was hanging out with his friends.’
Alice looks at me, disappointed. ‘I’m not playing this game, so we’ll just agree that I’m right, you’re in denial and Ethan is in love with you. What happened, how long has it been happening and how was it?’
