At that point I ran out of the room and out of the house. I got the Tube to Thom’s house. John answered. As soon as he saw me, his face crumpled. And then he gave me a note. From Thom. I tried to open the envelope but my hands were shaking so much that John had to do it for me. The note wasn’t even worth being in an envelope. It simply said, ‘I’m sorry.’
I asked John where Thom had gone and he claims to have no idea. How could I have been such a fucking idiot.
Rose Beam’s Diary
10thJuly 1985
I went to the theatre to see if anyone knew where Thom had gone. Apparently he phoned in his resignation last week, and everyone is very upset that he’s let them down. They don’t know the half of it.
Rose Beam’s Diary
12thJuly 1985
I’ve been in my bedroom for two whole days and only now have I stopped crying. I think I’m physically all out of tears. Mum keeps knocking on the door, trying to bring me food and warmed milk, and each time I tell her to fuck off. I’ve never used bad language in front of my parents before. But now I don’t care. They mean nothing to me. I want to tell her what she’s done. I want to tell her that I’m pregnant, that I’m having Thom’s baby and that she’s ruined everything. But she doesn’t even deserve to know. Dad doesn’t deserve to know. They are toxic and old-fashioned and cruel . . . And Thom . . . I’ve made such a fool of myself.
I need to get out of here. I have three thousand pounds in my bank account. I’ll leave tomorrow. I’m finished here. They will never know my child. Never.
Rose Beam’s Diary
15thJuly 1985
This will be my last entry. I’m going to throw this diary away. I’m going to throw all of them away . . . I want nothing to remind me of this life. I’m done and I won’t ever come back. See ya.
Rose x
I spend over two hours looking through Mum’s diaries, hardly able to believe what I’m reading.Thisis how Mum’s heart broke? This man, my father, used her and left.
The words blur in front of me as I take in what happened. The only thing Mum ever told me was that my dad left us before I was born. Does he even know I exist? And Grandma. Her and Granddad Jack paid this Thom money to leave Mum. Because of their snobbishness. Because of the Beams’ reputation. It’s horrible. A wave of pity engulfs me. No wonder Mum didn’t trust people, no wonder she was so bitter and depressed. The people she trusted and loved most in the world did one over on her.
My heart hammers rapidly as I place the last of the diaries carefully back in the trunk. Coming up here was a bad idea. What did I expect to find? Why did I choose to look now, after all the drama that’s happened tonight? Jesus, my life is just one bad fucking decision after the other.
I feel so angry. Angry at myself. Angry at Grandma. Now it makes sense why she’s been so cagey. Of course she doesn’t want me to know that it wasn’t just a man who broke Mum’s heart. It was her. Her and Jack. That’s what she was talking about when she said she was ‘redeeming herself’. She thought that by taking me in she could make it all better.
Adrenalin courses through my body, making me feel like I’m about to explode. And there I was thinking that Grandma might actually be OK. Feeling pleased that she was proud of me.
I fiddle absently with the cuff of my dressing gown and watch as the dust particles glisten in the light, flying all around me, never seeming to reach the floor. I think of my mum. Of growing up around somebody who never wanted to hug, never wanted to talk about love, cried so much, stayed indoors all the time. I think of sitting on the floor of the library when Pam called to tell me that Mum couldn’t even find it in her to face life any more.
Grandma lied to me. Big time.
* * *
On the way back down from the attic, I’m not quite so careful as on the way up, and I hit not just one creak, but three. Grandma dashes out of her bedroom, her silver hair a wild halo, a look of fright on her pale, wrinkled face. When she realizes it’s only me rather than a burglar, her taut face relaxes.
‘Oh, Jessica, you gave me a terrible fright! Goodness, how was the ball? Did you have a wonderful time?’ Then she realizes where I’ve just been. ‘Wait . . . what are you doing up there? I told you not—’
‘You lied to me,’ I cut in, stepping off the bottom rung of the ladder, my voice shaking. ‘You let me think that you had nothing to do with why she was so unhappy. But it wasallyour fault. Yours and Jack’s.’
Grandma sways slightly. ‘That’s not wha—’
‘I’ve just read her diaries! She was in love, properly in love, found her − her soulmate, and because you didn’t think he was up to your standards, your precious Beam fucking standards, you paid him to leave her. And she never ever got over it.’
‘Good grief, ‘Grandma whispers, her bottom lip starting to tremble. ‘I was going to tell you.’
‘Oh really?’
‘Yes. I was going to explain everything. When the project was over.’
‘Ah, yes, your precious project. Well, congratulations! Leo Frost said he loved me, so, you know, hip, hip, hoorah. Only he found out what we’d been up to, how we’d been lying to him, and he’s devastated. I should never have trusted you.’
