“Legacy, what are you doing?”
“I’m packing your shit. We’re gonna stop by my house and grab my stuff before we hop on a flight to Minnesota.”
“Minnesota?” I frowned. “What’s out in Minnesota?”
“The Mayo Clinic is doing a clinical trial. Oh, and there’s a doctor in Switzerland,” he said, rushing back into the closet to grab another handful of clothes.
“Legacy—”
“I think you’d be a perfect candidate. They’ve got scientists and world-renowned doctors doing all kinds of groundbreaking surgeries and treatments. We can?—”
“LEGACY, STOP!” I shouted, causing my voice to crack and him to halt in his tracks. We locked eyes, and it was at that moment that I saw the tears, making me feel like shit.
“I’m dying,” I sniffled. “Have been for a while now. I knew this day was coming and I’ve made my peace with it?—”
“So, you’re just giving up? You’re just gonna die and leave—leave me? Butterfly?” His voice cracked. “Do you know how fucking selfish you are?”
“I have triedeverything!” I stomped over to my nightstand, grabbing a folder of my medical records I kept stored inside the drawer. It was thicker than a Bible and had every test, trial, and treatment I’d done to date. “Those trials you’re talking about, been there and done that. Those treatments, did that too. I’vehad cancertwice.I’ve done four rounds of chemo.Four!” My voice bellowed as I shoved the folder into his hands.
Legacy’s eyes softened and he scanned the papers.
“The cancer came back too aggressive, and after fighting for years I decided that if I was going to go, then I wanted to do it onmyterms. Not chained up in some damn hospital with strangers. I wanted tolive.Travel. See the world. Do the things that I never got a chance to do. I never expected to meet you. Never expected to fall for you. And even as much as I love you, I amtired.Everyday it’s a struggle just to get out of bed but I do it and with a smile. I do it because I still have to be a mother. So, you don’t get to call me selfish! Until you have a body that’s literally betraying you, you don’t get to call me that,” I sobbed.
Legacy pulled me into his arms, and we both broke down. I never expected this. I never thought that we’d fall in love or fall so deep that it’d hurt when my time was up. I never thought that my pain would inflict more pain on him. What was supposed to be an experience for me ended up being life changing—for both of us.
“How am I supposed to live without you?” I pulled away to look him in the eyes and wiped his tears away.
“You just take it one day at a time. That’s all you can do.”
“What the fuck, man! We can’t just let this shit win. I know you’re tired, but a fighter don’t give up until this shit is over. I can’t sit around and just wait with you and watch you fuckin’ die! Ever since I found out that you were sick, I've been researching this, and I know you said no to the Mayo clinic, but let’s try the doctor in Switzerland. He specializes in this type of cancer. His treatments are rigorous but life changing. At least let's go and see him or let me fly him over here,” he said and I could hear the frustration and anger in him. But I couldn’t do anymore of this.
“Legacy, please STOP! I can’t do it anymore. And frankly, I'm tired of going from doctor to doctor just to hear them tell methere is nothing that can be done. I know you’re hurting, and I'm so sorry that I brought you into this. I hope you can understand my position.” I didn’t like seeing him this way.
“Nah, I don’t fuckin’ understand!” He spat. “I gotta get out of here. I’m going back to Philly. I’ll be back in a few days.” He grabbed his bag and walked out. Hearing the door close suffocated me. This wasn’t supposed to go like this. Our birthday is five days away, and I had something special planned for us. And now this!
Seeing him so broken had me rethinking everything. Maybe he was right; maybe I was selfish. I mean, I had to be to get involved with him, knowing that I was always on borrowed time. It was wrong of me to do that to him... and maybe, just maybe, it’s time to let go. I don’t want to pull him more and more into my mess. I decided to call him, and the call went to voicemail. I left a message and asked that he call me back. A few hours has past and he still hadn’t called me back. So, I decided to send a text.
Me: I think it’s best that we end things here. I love you with everything in me, but I never want to see you hurting. This is killing me and you were right. It’s not fair for you to have to sit and watch me die. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me and my baby girl. Thank you for being YOU. Thank you for showing me what real love looks like. Thank you for giving me you even if it’s just for a little while. Know that when I take my last breath, my thoughts will be of my daughter and you. I’ll love you FOREVER MORE.Forever
It’s been four days since Legacy and I had our argument and our birthday is tomorrow.I feel so bad because I was so excited about sharing our day together.I know that I was mean to him, and I know that I was the one that pulled him into my shattered life, and yes, I know that it was a selfish move. I just never thought that he would find me. I never thought that he would beinterested in me, and I damn sure never thought that I would fall in love with such an amazing fucking man. I’m so fucking angry! I want to live and be loved and my God; he has properly loved me. I could leave this earth and truly say I had a partner in him, one that I dreamed about. One that showed me what true love looked like in human form.
He’s called me several times, and each time I’ve ignored his calls. I was trying my best to stand on what I said to him when I ended things. He had a key to my house, so I changed the locks. I was doing this because I didn’t want him to hurt any more than he already was. I needed to spend as much time with my daughter as possible, and I still had to talk to her about what was about to happen.
My heart was broken for so many reasons, but the biggest one was for her. I don’t even know how to move on from here. I can’t believe that God chose this life for me. I can’t believe I’m supposed to leave my fucking daughter out here in this world without her mother. This shit wasn’t fair. I’ve never questioned God before, but this was something I had to wrestle with every single day. Because how am I supposed to accept the fact that my baby will grow up without me? How was I supposed to smile, laugh, and act like I wasn’t dying? I wanted to watch her grow into the beautiful woman that I knew she’d be. I wanted to see her get married and have children. Knowing there’s a possibility I wouldn’t be here to watch her become a woman—that thought alone destroyed me.
I think about all of the things that a child needs to hear as they grow up and try to maneuver through life. I wouldn’t be able to hold her and talk to her when life broke her heart. Me dying was the biggest lesson of life—breakingherfucking heart! The times when she felt like she wasn’t beautiful or worthy enough, who would be there to remind her on just how beautiful she is? I should’ve been the one doing all of those things.Because that’s always been me. Throughout all of this, I tried so hard to remain strong, praying that God would work a miracle on my behalf.
I tried so hard to stay strong, but some days this shit crushed me. Some days, I sat alone and cried until my chest hurt because I was scared. Not of dying, but for my daughter. For the life I won’t get to see, and all the moments I’d miss.
Thankfully, Jaz and Kasia decided to come over and bring dinner to get my out of my funk. Hanii had already eaten and was already upstairs asleep in her room so it was just us ladies. They’d been here just about every day since I got the news. Jaz couldn’t keep her emotions together. I decided to take a leave from work so that I could spend time with Hanii. I was still not feeling the best, and you could tell that I was declining. I just didn’t expect it to happen this fast. My doorbell rang and I went to grab the door while Jaz fixed our plates.
I looked out the peephole and couldn’t believe my eyes—it was Chauncey. I was hoping that he stayed the hell away from us but that was wishful thinking.
I swung the door open. “What?” I asked.
“Yo, my girl work at your doctor's office and told me you was sick. I came by to tell you, me and my girl gon’ raise that lil girl. My bad you sick and all, but my girl got her. I don’t want you to worry about that.” I hauled off and slapped the shit out of his ass.
“Bitch, you done lost your damn mind!” He gripped my neck and hit me in the face. I didn’t even see Jaz and Kasia behind me but we ultimately beat his ass.
