“I know you’re hoping here for me to give you something concrete, but I’m having trouble coming up with anything.” Chase takes a long drink of his cocktail. When he sets it down, he gives the glass a hard stare, as though he’s trying to figure it out. “I did some research and?—”
“Chase, it’s okay. You don’t have to do all of this.” I’d never force someone to come out or explain themselves. It doesn’t matter how curious I am or how much I want an explanation for what happened in the bookstore. This has to happen on his own time, whether that’s tonight, a year from now, or never.
“I want to. I mean, I want to explain as much as I can to you and hope that you’ll understand. Or at least give me a shot.”
“Whatever you need.”
“All the materials are really confusing. I knew about bisexuality, but then there are like a dozen other options. I’ve never really considered that I might be attracted to anyoneexcept women, but…I’m attracted to you.” He shrugs as though we’re talking about window blinds again instead of something far more complex and difficult.
“Labels are great, but only if they’re helpful. You don’t have to settle on one if you don’t want to. You can always change it, too. People can be fluid and change who they’re attracted to over time.”
He snorts. “No kidding. I’m in my thirties and attracted to a man for the first time in my life.” He clears his throat and takes another sip of his drink. “Well, maybe.”
“Maybe?” Suddenly, I wish it was appropriate to slip under the table for the rest of the meal.
“No,” Chase exclaims as he reaches out and grabs my hand again. “Not maybe attracted to you. That part I’m sure about. It’s just that looking back, I think maybe it’s happened in the past, and I didn’t realize.”
“Oh?” My mind searches through his various high school friends, wondering if any of them are plaguing his memory. Honestly, he hung out with a lot of objectively good-looking guys. Even though I only had eyes for Chase, I could still agree they were handsome.
“There was this guy, a few years older than me, on my college track team. We always had this big rivalry. I spent half my time trying to one-up him. My best times were always when I was trying to win against him. I was obsessed. Talked about him constantly. My friends were so tired of it that they actually enacted a ban one weekend. It was so hard I ended up spending most of the time alone because I couldn’t stop thinking about him.”
“Was he hot?”
Chase turns red, then practically purple.
“So, yes?”
“Yeah.”
He’s embarrassed, so I steer the conversation in a different direction. “So, what do you want to do about it? I mean us.”
Our earlier incident might be nothing more than him experimenting. If so, I’ll always be honored to be his first same-sex kiss, but devastated that we only got that one time. It’s not enough, not by a long shot. I didn’t get the chance to memorize every detail of what we were doing, of the way he tasted and felt against me. That’s something that will forever haunt me.
“I don’t really know how it works. Are we dating now? Is that what you’d call it?”
I choke on the sip I’d tried to get down while he was talking. It burns as it goes down the wrong pipe, and I spend the next several minutes choking and rubbing my sternum.
“Are you okay?”
Chase does the worst and best thing possible, sliding into the booth by my side and rubbing his hand over my back.
How can he possibly be this sweet? It seems fully impossible that it’s even an option. “I’m fine,” I manage to get out.
“Did I say something wrong? You can tell me.” His big eyes search my face for a glimmer of whatever he’s hoping for tonight.
“No,” I say quickly, fully aware of how close we’re sitting to each other. So much for avoiding the rumor mill. There will be at least twenty people popping into the store tomorrow to ask me about Chase. “I’m just surprised, is all.”
“Why?”
Chase has been brave tonight. Maybe I can do the same?
“You know how I hung around your house a lot as a kid?”
“Yeah, I used to joke that you were my second brother. You and Russ were inseparable. We always thought that would change, especially after Russ transitioned. That was one of my parents’ biggest concerns. Not so much about you, but your parents.”
“Right. We were pretty young, so I don’t think I ever thought about that.” Russ became himself after kindergarten. Honestly, other than using a different name, I don’t think I noticed. Or even thought about it. “He was always Russ to me.”
“I think that’s part of why he latched onto you so hard.”
