“That’s what I thought.” And since I don’t hate Nix…
“Is there a reason you seem so, I don’t know, conflicted? It’s not because you’re still hung up on Kelley, is it?”
“Maybe?” I lie. I haven’t even thought of her in the last twenty-four hours. That might not sound impressive, but it’s a new record for me. As an extra bonus, alcohol wasn’t involved.
“She’s a total bitch.”
“Russ.”
“No, I won’t apologize. Cheating on you like that? I get that the two of you had problems, but that’s not the solution.”
Honestly, I think the divorce was harder on Russ than me. At least emotionally. I’d checked out months—maybe even years—earlier. It was all the things that came with it that really did me in. Losing the house and our friends.
“If she’s the reason you’re holding yourself back, then you need to go for a long run or do some meditation and get your head on straight.”
Somehow, I don’t think that will fix it, but almost anything is worth a shot at this point. “It’s just, this would be a different type of relationship for me.” That’s putting it lightly. I’ve never been with a guy before. Never really considered it until now.
I search inside me for any sign of panic, that this might all be some sort of confusion, and come up empty. It’s a little strange, but not uncomfortable.
“Maybe that’s a good thing? I never liked Kelley. She wasn’t right for you. None of those women you dated were. They were nice enough and everything, but I think you need someone who can challenge you. Picking someone different shows growth.”
Growth. That’s one way to look at it. It’s a lot to wrap my mind around. My new bisexuality, if that’s what it is. Then there’s the Nix of it all. He’s not some guy I met at a bar over a third drink. He’s practically family. My brother’s best friend and my current landlord. There are complications in this.
“Russ?”
“Yeah?”
I have about a hundred questions for him right now, but I can’t ask any of them without blowing my cover. “Never mind. I’ll figure it out.”
“I know you will, big brother. And I’m here for you, anything you need. Same for Nix. I know the two of you aren’t close or anything, but you can talk to him about whatever’s bothering you. He’s a great listener.”
“I’m sure he is.” The problem is that I’m not sure talking is what I really want. My thoughts at the moment are more focused on what his lips taste like than the sound of the words coming out of them.
Yeah, I’m definitely bi. Straight guys do not think about other men’s lips.
“Okay, I gotta go. Busy day ahead. I’m building a pillow fort today.”
I smile. Russ has always loved kids. He’s worked for several families, but I think the current one is his favorite. He claims he doesn’t have favorites, but I know better. These twin boys have brought so much joy into his life.
“Have fun.”
When I hang up, I sit on the bed for a few long minutes. The more I think about it, the more confused I become.
Thinking has never really been my thing. I’m more of an action kind of person. Do first, ask for forgiveness later. It’s gotten me in trouble more times than I can count, but it’s how I operate.
Okay, new plan.
First, go for a long run.
Second, talk to Nix.
10
CHASE
The worst thing about job searching isn’t that it’s never-ending; it’s that between checking all my usual job posting sites, writing increasingly desperate cover letters, and applying to anything that looks like a possibility, there’s a lot of downtime.
It’s eleven AM, and I’ve already gone for a six-mile run, showered, and applied to three new roles. Of course, at the same time, I also got seven rejection emails from jobs I’ve applied to over the last several months.
