It’s not the first time, either. That afternoon, when I was stacking books at the shop, I couldn’t stop peeking back at him. At the time, I rationalized it as making sure he wasn’t aggravating his ankle. Now, in the curtain-darkened morning light, I know what it really was.
An obsession. Nix has turned into an obsession. There’s no other word for it. If we’re apart, I’m thinking about him. If we’re together, I’m finding excuses to look at him or touch him.
Yep, I’m infatuated. That can only mean one thing.
I need to get a hobby. Or a dozen hobbies. Being without a purpose in life has left me with too much free time and a wandering mind.
Good. Now that I’ve diagnosed the problem, I can start working on a solution.
First, I need a long run. That always does wonders for clearing the cobwebs from my head.
Second, I need to find something to do with my spare time. Hobbies are good for people, right? I could take up…
Well, something. There’s the second item on my to-do list. Investigate possible hobbies. Maybe on my run, I can take a look around to see what they might have in town. A climbing gym or bowling alley.
Fuck. That’s one of the saddest sentences I’ve ever thought or said.
I could ask Nix, but I don’t want to answer a whole bunch of questions. Like, why do I need a hobby? What am I supposed to say?Because I can’t stop thinking about you and how adorable you are in a bowtie.
Nope, that won’t work. I need advice. The problem is that I’ve lost most of the people I went to for this kind of thing.If I’m being honest, they were never good for it anyway. They were more the kind of friend who could help pick out a bottle of whiskey. Or help me drink a bottle of whiskey.
That leaves me with my brother. Not the best person for this conversation, but I’m not coming up with anything better, and I really need to chat. My best thinking is always done out loud.
“Hey, did I wake you?” I ask when Russ picks up on the second ring.
“I haven’t slept past five in at least ten years. What’s up? How’s life in Sleighbell Springs?”
“Uh, it’s good. The town is a bit quirky.” Now I need a way to ease him into this conversation.
“Well, I hope you take advantage of it. Nix has told me all sorts of stories over the years. The people there must be exciting.”
“Some of them,” I mumble.
“Wait. Did you find someone you’re interested in?” And there’s my opening.
“Maybe?” Honestly, I’m as surprised as anyone by that response.
“Switch to video.” There’s no room in Russ’s voice for me to even consider arguing with him, even if I’m worried that my face will give me away.
Russ has a great poker face, mostly developed from years of working with children. I, on the other hand, have a hard time not showing every single emotion. It’s been a real problem my whole life. I pull a shirt on and make sure I’m covered by the bedspread before hitting the button to start my camera.
“There. That’s better.” He’s sitting cross-legged on his living room floor with his phone propped up on the coffee table. It’s a good reminder that my leaving is good for both of us. He usually meditates there in the morning, sitting on his cushion. With me sleeping on the couch, he had to be extra quiet getting set up.It put a lot of stress on him, exactly the opposite of what his practice is supposed to look like. “Now, tell me everything.”
If only it was that easy. “I’m not really sure.”
“Do you like her?”
I flinch at his use ofher. Luckily, Russ doesn’t notice. There’s no reason for him to think anything else. “That’s what I’m trying to work out.”
“You don’t know?”
Yeah, I’m confused, too. “Let’s say there was someone you couldn’t stop thinking about? How would you know if that was because you liked them or because of something else?” My crushes over the years have always been…intense. They start off with this little flash of something, followed by a long period where they’re the only thing on my mind. Like with Nix. It quickly becomes all I can think about until I either take action or get tired of chasing someone.
“What do you mean by like?”
I roll my eyes. I haven’t had a conversation like this since high school.
“Got it. Well, in my experience, when there’s someone I can’t stop thinking about, it’s usually for a reason. Either because I like them a lot or hate them a lot. Those two emotions tend to be very close.”
