Honestly, I was unsure if I even deserved that kind of love after the mess I’d made between us by holding a grudge. It’s not that I didn’t want to forget everything that had happened, it was that my brain physically couldn't. Every time I reminded myself of how it felt to be loved by him, my mind replaced the joy with the pain of his betrayal, and I couldn’t shut either thought out.
Yes, I forgave him and we were moving in the right direction, but that didn’t mean we were fixed. It didn’t mean we ever could be.
Throwing myself down on my bed, I grabbed a pillow and cried into it. When I had calmed down a bit and the jitters disappeared, I rolled out of bed and changed into some loungewear, sipping from my bottle as I did. I wanted nothing more than to write right now, but refused to put my private thoughts on paper anymore. Not after what Lucan did.
I laid back on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. Sebastian was the first man I’d ever truly loved, and I thought he would have been the last. Maybe, deep down, he alwayswouldbe the last person I ever truly loved, even if we weren't together. Maybe he would always be the man that showed me what real love felt like, and also the one to show me how painful it was when it was ripped from your hands with the harsh reality of truth.
We’d been in Lumosia for about a month now, and I needed to put effort into attempting to move on. And though that was the only answer—theonly possible outcomeif Sebastian and I were really history—it still felt like a knife was being dragged through my heart.
It hurt. Too fucking much. I could feel my literal soul tugging at my insides, tearing me into more pieces with each second I spent thinking about it all.
Maybe this is part of what Blythe meant. “You let your mistrust of others, blah, blah, blah,” I grumbled, taking a swig from my bottle, wincing as the liquid made my head hum. Or maybe not. Maybe this was just shit relationship luck. Shit life luck.
Overwhelmingwas what it really was.
My head darted to the side when the sound of knocking battered my ears. I groaned, rolling my eyes back into my skull.
“Sebastian, if that is you, I swear to the gods?—”
“It's Sawyer.”
“Oh.”
I opened the door for him, greeting him with a scowl that could kill. “What?” I snarked, turning my back to him and making for the window. I drew the curtains, not wanting even a glimpse of the stars.
“I’m not going to ask if you're okay, because by the look in your eyes back there, I know that you're not,” Sawyer said before I heard the door shut. “I’m not going to ask if you want to talk, because I know you will tell me to fuck off.”
“Damn right.”
His boots scuffed across the wood as he stepped towards me, coming to a halt a few inches from my back.
“And I’m not going to tell you that everything is going to be okay, because I know that’s not what you need to hear right now—and also because I don’t know that it is.”
He laid his hands upon my shoulders, using them to turn me to face him. “I’m not going to ask you anything except for this.” His green eyes sunk into my gaze, drawing me in. “What can I do to help you feel better right now?”
I hesitated for a moment while I tried to regain my composure, but decided that what I really needed was a hug from my best friend.
Sawyer held me in his arms, allowing my tears to absorb into the cotton of his shirt. The comfort helped, and I almost felt like I could rejoin the party if I really wanted to.
But then, my attention could not be pulled anywhere else except for the empathy that lined Sawyer’s features when I backed out of his embrace. For the first time in a while, I allowed that feeling of complete silence to absorb me.
So when he leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine, I granted myself mercy, giving myself the power to do whatever I needed to feel whole again. Even if the feeling only lasted a moment.
When I didn’t immediately flinch away, he pressed a palm into my waist and stepped closer to me, deepening the pressure of our mouths.
Quiet.My mind wassilentaside from the buzz of a craving that I couldn't quite categorize. And I wondered if this was something I had overlooked all along.
He pushed me back against the curtains, using the window for support as he cupped his hands around my jaw, pulling my mouth closer to him. His lips were like velvet against mine, enticing me with soft, delicate motions.
Sawyer dropped one hand from my face, flattening it against the window to brace himself as he deepened our kiss. I parted my lips, allowing his tongue to cradle my own.
Maybe this was wrong, or maybe it was exactly what I needed. What webothneeded. I had to move on—right?
“Maeve…” My name slipped free in a hushed moan. “We shouldn't be doing this.”
“I know,” I breathed into the seam of his lips. It wasnothinglike kissing Sebastian, but it was still a nice kiss all things considered. Just different.
“We should probably stop then,” he muttered, though his tongue said otherwise as it scraped against my teeth.
